Julep: Surely you jest.

I don't know if you girls even read this blog any more, but I tried calling my mama and she's evidently working, and Mr. J was terse with me as he is apparently knee-deep in paperwork, and I need to get this off my chest. So here goes.

My bitchy Lil Sis had another baby two weeks ago today. I was not all that interested in seeing said baby (y'all know I don't really get excited by infants) but I was trying to be a good sport so I called and texted her a couple of times to say I hoped everyone was well and we'd love to come by whenever she was ready for company. (Normally I would take a meal, but I can't cater to her smorgasbord of eating restrictions. She won't even eat Thanksgiving dinner at my house, so forget that idea.)

Anyway, Sunday morning she actually answered the phone - my mom and stepdad were over anyway so I think she figured she could get us all out of the way at once. The Bear was at the circus but Bits and I walked over. After 30 minutes we had to leave because I could feel myself about to go Hulk. She is so nasty to J-Mama, a woman who (a) would not harm a fly, (b) is sensitive by nature, and (c) bought Lil Sis the very house in which we sat while Lil Sis mouthed off to her.

But this was the richest part. Lil Sis - who is not Catholic, never baptized her kids, has no religious affiliation whatsoever and is the classic incarnation of a modern secularist - has decided that she wants to send her oldest child to St Spanish Tile next year for kindergarten. She tells me that they really think it's the right continuation of the good foundation they've laid at Hipster Prep preschool down the street. (Translation: lots of the other parents at Hipster Prep - presumably the Catholic ones - are going on to St Spanish Tile.) Lil Sis's kids are on scholarship at Hipster Prep, and while parochial schools are way cheaper than the private schools, St Spanish Tile is running about $7500 for non-parishioners. Not to worry, Lil Sis says - they've applied for financial aid and are hoping for a large grant from the local archdiocese to cover the tuition. Record scratch....

As a tithing, Catholic Service Appeal-donating member of the local Catholic community, I was pretty surprised to hear that the archdiocese was interested in sending Lil Sis's non-Catholic children to a Catholic school for free, particularly a Catholic school that is probably not struggling to keep the doors open, since it is in part of town where most of the neighbors can afford the tuition should they be interested. Surprised is one word. Really, really pissed is another. Why should I pay $9,000 a year to send my two Catholic kids to Catholic school while she sends her non-Catholic kids to Catholic school for free?

I know the archdiocese gives out financial aid, and I have read plenty about how they have a big push right now to increase that aid. But I always had the sense that the need was for families like one we know at our church: the dad went to grade school with Mr. J and he's now a plumber, and his wife worked at UPS. They have a daughter Bear's age and a newborn, and I won't be surprised if they add to the family eventually. They might be able to swing one tuition, but it will surely be a stretch for them to have multiple kids in grade school, or to send their kids to Catholic high school.

I talked with one of my partners who is on the board of the foundation that gives out the money for Catholic school aid. Apparently the greatest interests are in supporting schools in the southwest corridor of the city and increasing Hispanic enrollment. While the aid program is faith-blind, it also sounds like someone like Lil Sis -- who certainly isn't indigent, and isn't applying to a school in a poor neighborhood -- is probably going to get $500 or $1000 at best. The archdiocese has $1.5 million to give out and at least $5 million in demonstrated need.

So that is a silver lining ... she is almost certainly not going to get free tuition, and it's unlikely that any discount will even bring it to the level of what a parishioner pays. That takes the foundation back off my hit list, but even so, it infuriates me to think that underwriting Lil Sis's champagne tastes and beer budget could mean that some family like Plumber's might not get every nickel they need to educate their kids in the parish they were raised in. Where does she get off?

Furthermore, I can tell you from watching her utter lack of gratitude towards J-Mama: funding her is not going to inspire her to any tact or diplomacy when her kids are in second grade and it comes time for First Communion preparation. She will be perfectly willing and happy to bag on the Catholic Church's teachings while taking their (my) money, and lord alone knows what her kids will be telling the other kids in the class about what they hear at home.

Have mercy on the people of St. Spanish Tile, Lord. Don't let the archdiocese give her entitled free-riding bitchy ass a dime.

Julep: A classic MIL moment

In the past 48 hours, both of my kids have been down with a stomach bug: Bits was puking on Tuesday, and yesterday it was Bear's turn. Bits was fortunately at home with the bug hit, but Bear was at school - so someone had to go pick him up and spend the afternoon with him. That may be the subject of another, heavier post later ... right now I just need to tell someone about the interplay between the kids' illness and Mr. Mama.

All afternoon yesterday Mr. J was feverishly blowing up Mr. Mama's phone, hoping she could help out with the sick Bear so that he could get to Lexington for a work appointment rather than me having to leave work early. When she finally called him back - hours having passed - she was in the check-out line at Kohl's. She couldn't help, she was very busy shopping all afternoon - and I know Christmas is coming, but I also know that she has been stockpiling gifts since October. And she has two more weeks until Christmas, and no other obligations in her day time hours. Ahem. Anyway, she was unwilling to come help him out. Fair enough, she's got priorities.

So at 8:10 this morning she sent me an email asking how Bear was doing. I thought this was a very kind gesture since she knew he had been sick, and I wrote back promptly that although he was still upchucking at bedtime, he seemed to have made it through the night and was still sleeping when I left for work at 7:40, bless his little heart.

At 10:26, I got a call from Mr. J. He said, "I deliberately left my glasses in the truck so I could come back out and tell you about this. You will not believe it. She showed up at the house at 9:45 with her @$$ on fire telling me to get the kids out to the car, and she wanted me to drive since we were already going to be late. She made an appointment for them to get their Christmas pictures made."

Y'all. Two kids who have been puking everywhere for the past two days. And I know she did not have that appointment made before they got sick because she was just asking me on Tuesday if she could take them over the weekend. (And I said maybe, depending on what time she could get an appointment, so this wasn't her only chance.)

You know everyone who comes to that photography studio in the next week is picking up the bug. I would warn you off by name, but none of y'all would ever be tacky enough to take a child there in the first place. It's awful. Fake fireplace backdrops, fake pine cones. These photos are going to be a rich treasure trove some day when Bits and Bear encounter Awkward Family Photos.

As always, completely oblivious to the needs or interests of anyone other than herself.

Julep: bella figura

I just got the daily e-newsletter from school, which often features a few photos of what the children have been up to today. And I noticed today, as I have before, that my kid looks adorable and the other kids, not so much.

It's not that my children are physically so attractive - they are, but most of the other kids are also nice-looking. The difference is in wardrobe. The other kids might as well be wearing their pajamas. For instance, today the Bear has on khaki pants, a white oxford shirt, and a blue argyle sweater vest. And of course, his school shoes. The boy with whom he is building a block tower in the photo is dressed in a long-sleeved horizontally striped T-shirt, sweatpants with vertical striping on the legs, and plastic sneakers which may or may not light up.

The girls aren't much better. Mostly I'm seeing pants with long-sleeved T-shirts or T-shirt dresses with leggings. I prefer to send Little Bits to school in a dress, but I was caught short on the laundry this morning - they don't usually go to school on Thursday, and I don't have enough tights for four school days in a row. I could have sent her in play clothes, but instead Little Bits is wearing red corduroy overalls with black and white plaid trim, a white blouse with peter pan collar, and two hair bows. (She wanted white, and her brother was adamant that she should wear a red one to match her outfit.)

In a vacuum, most of the clothing items these kids are wearing are fine. I would let my kids wear any given item around the house for play time, or over to my mom's house, or even to Target or the grocery store. But even though they do a lot of play at "school" at this age, I just feel like school deserves the good stuff out of one's wardrobe. Yes, a lot of the time they come home with paint or spaghetti sauce on their nice clothes. I have a free hand with the Oxi Clean, and that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make so that my kids don't grow up to be the kind of people who go to their college classes in sweats or show up to traffic court wearing a Tweety Bird T-shirt and jeans with holes.

Twinks, I am expecting next year's school experience to be a step up. If nothing else, I know the Twinkle sisters will ensure that my two are not the only ones in the building who appear to have changed their clothes after rolling out of bed in the morning.

Julep: for laughs

I feel like you girls will appreciate these.

http://the-toast.net/2014/11/06/women-rejecting-marriage-proposals-western-art-history/

Julep: Nobody puts Baby in the corner

The Bear loves to sing. He sings to me, he sings to himself all the time. He makes up his own songs, he sings children's songs, he sings songs on the radio. He particularly loves to sing the songs from Frozen, including - especially, of course - "Let It Go." He knows every word. He will sing it with me when there is no music playing. Sometimes I can hear him singing it to put himself to sleep.

So yesterday we were driving home from school, he was singing something and I said, "I love to hear you sing, buddy." And he said, in the saddest little voice imaginable, "But I can't sing Let It Go anymore." I said, "Why not? Who said so?" And he said, "XX [a little girl in his class] told me. I'm not allowed to sing that song because I'm not a gril." (Not a typo - this is how he pronounces "girl.")

Y'all. My heart broke.

Needless to say, I immediately assured him that XX doesn't know what she's talking about, that just because Elsa is a girl doesn't mean boys can't sing that song too, that he should sing "Let It Go" anytime he wants to and he can tell XX that his mama says XX doesn't know shit from Shinola. (The last part was slightly more child-friendly when I said it out loud.) I think I convinced him. But. Little Miss XX has some thunder coming.

I'm sure the preschool director thought I was a nut when I called her today to report this story and insist that someone have a little chat with XX. I realize that XX is only 3, and this is an age where children are very interested in gender development and making distinctions between themselves and the other, and I understand that she didn't mean to crush him. But imagine the reaction if Bear had told XX she is not allowed to play with trucks, because trucks are only for boys. Or if someone told XX she is not allowed to sing "Let It Go" because Elsa is a white girl and XX is black.

Reverse sexism is still sexism, and I am having no part of it. If my son wants to sing diva show tunes until the cows come home, damn it, he can.

Twinkle: Fun Sink Needs a Personality Adjstment

So I've found this awesome balance with my new job, and it is working really well. I now do all of it from home, or a coffee shop, or a carpool line, or wherever. I describe what I see in pictures of the items that are in these estate sales. For instance, there might be a picture of a blue vase, and the caption will say "blue vase," and I'll change it to say, "A lovely Sevres-style vase with gilded foliate scrollwork and cobalt blue ground; it has a pretty pastoral scene in reserve." I love it because it's fun learning the words for everything, and I can do it on my own time. It's not every day; I can still go to the grocery store or make dinner or do laundry, but I look forward to when new items pop up that need their descriptions embellished. It is fascinating; I learn every day, but I don't feel like I'm neglecting my mom duties. It's not a full-time job, and sometimes it's only a few hours a week. It depends on how many sales are going and where we all are in the sale. I enjoy the times when there's a lot of work, because I learn new things. But if there's not a lot of work, that's fine, too. It is the perfect balance for me, and I could not have designed a better job for me.

I don't know why Fun Sink has to be so nasty about it. Things are generally OK with her, but I don't think she understands this job at all. She was asking about it tonight. I talked passionately about how much I like it, how fascinating it is, how much I feel like I'm learning, and what a great balance I've found by working from home on a really relaxed and flexible schedule. She said, "Well, that's all fine. IF you can make any money that way." And, honestly, for me this job is about learning and doing something that I find intellectually interesting, and a little bit of extra money is great, but I'm not exactly the primary breadwinner here, and nobody expects me to be. This balance works for us; and it's OK that we're not getting a 40-hour/week salary for it because the flexibility is worth more to us than that monetary amount. What is her problem?

I sort of feel like no one can judge me anymore. Like, now I have this job, so the Leaning In b*tches can't criticize me. But I'm still home with my kids. So the Stay-At-Home crowd can shut their mouths. I have carte blanche and no hater can say anything. It's a lovely place to be.

She was also a little too giddy tonight when there was a miscommunication between Mr. Twinks and me. The girls are spending the night over there tonight, so I thought Mr. Twinks and I would have a date night, and we had even talked about it. But he decided he needed to work on Baby B's birthday cake, so, when I said, "What are we doing tonight?" he said, "I guess I'm decorating a cake." I said, "Oh...I thought we were having a date night." Fun Sink giddily chimed in, "Misunderstanding!" She just sucks. And yeah, it was a low-key night: we went to Kroger for cake supplies and joked around and had fun. We were laughing more in a Kroger than she ever has. What the hell is her problem?

Julep: shoes with lights

Mr-Mama went to Hilton Head with her buddies two weeks ago. I knew she would be spending a lot of time at the outlet malls, and in a feeble effort to get out ahead of a problem, I sent her an email with a list of items that the kids and I could really use, if she happened to run across any of them while bargain-hunting.

Instead of purchasing any of the things on the list, she bought Little Bits some sleeveless pajamas (very handy for wintertime) and a new pink coat ... after I just dropped $40 on a beautiful little corduroy swing coat for her. Best case scenario, my coat gets worn half as often, worst case is she gets all attached to the pink coat and there's a battle royale every time I try to get my coat on her. You know what? Mr-Mama's coat is going back. I picked out a coat I really like for my kid to wear all winter, and she's going to wear it. Finis.

I can't get around the other problem she purchased for me, though. She bought the Bear sneakers that look like cars, with lights in the heels. He wore them yesterday (since she brought them over when I was not home), and he wanted to wear them to school today. I said no. Tears ensued.

She sent me four text messages about the shoes from Hilton Head to make sure she had the size right. I ignored the first three. The fourth came after midnight, when she informed me that she bought the shoes and I should let her know whether to exchange sizes before she came home. I wrote her back and said, "While he would love shoes with lights, I already bought him some very nice shoes to play in for winter." Did that stop her? Ha!

I draw the line at wearing these shoes to school or church. I would prefer that my child never wear plastic shoes that light up, but as a grandmother, I suppose it's her prerogative to buy hideous items that he will love madly. However, one would hope that she would have enough foresight to realize that buying my kid something I will not let him wear every day means that she has purchased a boxful of family trauma. Thanks, My-My!

Mr. J called me a fascist this morning when I told the Bear that his new shoes are not school shoes, and handed him his school shoes instead. (We are still in a cold war stand-off after yesterday's explosion.) I'm OK with that. At least my kids will grow up learning to dress for the occasion.