Twinkle: Sigh.

 Sigh. 

Today Husband and I went to the football game. We had a nice time. The kids stayed home and Middle had plans to go to a friend’s house to practice basketball drills because she and all her friends have recently joined the basketball team. 

I made plans with another mom to get Middle to and from this gathering. I’m always happy to take anybody’s kid anywhere. I want to help moms and I want my kids to have their friends around, plus there are three of them so when I help out, I’m paying into a larger system of goodwill. Today I called in a favor to a mom I have helped a lot. Not that it has to be so transactional, but I needed help today. She agreed to take Middle to and from this friend’s house. It was all planned. Middle was to be picked up at around 1:30 for a 2 o’clock arrival at the home of the friend who was hosting the basketball meetup.

When we got back from the game, we stopped at a family party where I saw MIL. She mentioned that she had taken my kids to lunch. They were at lunch at 1:25 when Middle mentioned that she was getting picked up by a friend’s mom at some point soon. MIL had no idea about this plan and had to rush back home to get her there for her pickup time.

Sigh.

This is what I am talking about, y’all. Has anyone ever thought of looping me into the plans? Has anyone ever thought, “Their mother probably has a plan for them—let’s ask her.” I can arrange rides for my kids ALL DAY LONG. I can coordinate the logistics until the cows come home, but until my in-laws GO THROUGH ME ABOUT THE PLANS, I will be screwed every time. And what I really feel bad about is this other mom, who I had coordinated with, who was going along with the plan we agreed on, and there were wheels in motion NEITHER OF US EVER EVEN KNEW ABOUT. MIL and FIL took the kids to lunch, and no one thought even to tell me about it or to ask me if there were other factors in play.

The other thing that is super annoying about it is that being nice to me should be a basic prerequisite for spending time with my kids. Sorry not sorry. Go through me. I am so frustrated. 

Twinkle: My Kids Love Me, Leaving MIL Baffled

I love hanging with all my kids. Oldest and Middle will hang with me and want to talk sometimes, and when they do I drop everything, because it doesn’t happen all the time. Youngest, on the other hand, always wants to hang. She’ll talk to me in the pool for hours, analyzing everyone in the 5th grade, discussing the friend groups, or just throwing a scrunchie back and forth. She wants to play cards each night. We’re really enjoying reading Anne of Green Gables together. If I need to run an errand, out of the three of them, she will always be the one to go with me and then want to keep driving around listening to music.

Today when we met up to hand off the kids to the grandparents before the trip to Lexington, she was sad. MIL was baffled. What could possibly be wrong? What could it be? It was a flashback of when they were babies, screaming for me. “She’s hungry.” “Her feet are cold.” “You forgot to put a hat on her.” Only this time it was different, because she can speak. “Are you tired?” Did you not get enough sleep last night?” “Do you not want to go to Memphis?”

My husband stood there dumbly while Youngest clung to me, crying. Middle was getting her pre-back-to-school hair cut (we met at the salon), and Eldest would have done anything to get out of the awkward situation, where Youngest was crying and MIL could not understand what was going on. Finally I said, exasperated, “I think she’s sad that I’m leaving.” It would have been nice if my husband had said it, but I guess it’s too much to ask for for ANYONE to acknowledge that I mean something to my kids. MIL was still incredulous. She can’t comprehend that my kids actually like me, that any child would actually want their mother. They could be (and have been) torn sobbing from my arms, screaming, “Mommmmmyyy!” And MIL will be like, “What could possibly be wrong? It’s definitely that she didn’t get enough sleep last night.”

I’m sure she’ll spend the next two days trying to deprogram my kids from loving their mother.

Twinkle: Memphis Blues

 When will I ever learn, y’all? Will it be this time? Will this be the time when I learn my lesson?

My husband has to speak at a conference in Lexington for the next two days, and I always go with him because it’s fun to go there and stay in a hotel, go to my favorite antique shops, walk around downtown Lexington, etc. In the old times the grandparents each could have done a night with them, but that’s really too much to ask of my dad. We asked my in-laws to hang with the kids, and of course, because nothing is never enough, they said, “Sure we’ll watch them for two days, and then after that we’ll just take them with us to Memphis on Friday morning!”

We’ll be finished on Friday and they easily could have just left the kids at our house for a couple of hours until we got back to town, but because I never learn, I asked my husband what he thought about going to Memphis, too, and meeting everyone down there.

Please understand two points: I was coming off a beautiful cousins’ weekend with my aunt Mel (she that my MiL so resents) and her side of the family. She is so sweet and kind, loves everyone, loves controlled grandkid chaos, laughs a lot. Even though I’ve been accused of hating family, Mel’s vibe is actually that I wish for with my husband’s side of the family. I don’t hate family at all. I wish for a family that accepts me and doesn’t steamroll me, that can just relax and laugh.

The other point is that I stipulated I was only comfortable staying in a hotel. I thought it was pretty rude to invite ourselves and then descend on my SIL’s house like a swarm of locusts. I told my husband before I ever suggested it that I was only comfortable staying in a hotel. He said, and I quote, “Don’t we have that gift card to the Peabody we’ve been saving?” That sounded great to me. Putting in a little face time with the family. Throwing my in-laws a bone. Retreating to the Peabody.

Then the rest of the week happened. I talked to my SIL, who insisted that it wouldn’t be an imposition at all and we could sleep on her sofa bed. I said, “Maybe; we’ll see.” And then reiterated to my husband that I was not comfortable with this arrangement. She and my MIL have planned all the vegan meals for us. MIL told my kids Memphis was happening before we got a chance to. My husband was working on his speeches for the conference so I barely saw him.

Last night we finally talked about it, and by now I’m sure you’ve worked out what has happened. My husband said that everyone was planning on us all staying with SIL, and MIL and SIL have worked on it and made plans. The trip I agreed to is not happening anymore. I’ve been steamrolled by these people yet again. I’ve gone from the Peabody (or any hotel; it doesn’t have to be the Peabody, but he was the one who suggested it) to my SIL’s pull-out sofa, with no agency or decision-making power whatsoever. Not even a door to close on the family when it gets to be too much. It doesn’t matter what I’m comfortable with, or how I feel about it, because this is what everyone else wants, and they’ve already planned the whole thing. And I was the one who even suggested it in the first place.

When will I learn? I just want to be accepted by them. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. No amount of doing what they want is ever enough for them. And how is my husband letting this happen, when I told him lots of times that I’m not comfortable with it? Will I ever stop trying to get them to like me? 

Real talk: they will never like you. Read those words, Twinkle. Bookmark the page. Remember.

Twinkle: Sigh. I'm Going to Have to Push Back Again.

Last night my husband and kids went with the inlaws to Shabbat in the Park while I was volunteering at the horse racing booth at a certain church picnic. I got the better part of that deal for sure. My husband said it went well, and my MIL did, as predicted, bring a big picnic spread for everyone even though he told her we had it covered. Whatever. I don't care. 

He also said his dad is obsessed with Burger Week. He described his dad going to all these burger places, getting his burger card stamped (or whatever; I don't know how it works). He's in the top 1% of Burger Week participants and he's really excited about it. I think this is cute. It's the coolest thing I've heard about his dad in awhile. It's actually semi-interesting and fun. I would way rather have a conversation about someone's Burger Week experiences—where he got the best burger, the toppings, the different burger styles—than anything to do with the restrictive plant-based diet I usually have to hear about from these people. After many years of dabbling in veganism, I'm sure my FIL could use the iron. 

Forgetting who I was talking about for a minute, I said, "Oh—that's fun. I guess your mom is having fun with it, too?"

Husband: "No, she hates it." 

Of course she does. For a second I forgot that she can't have fun with anything. I forgot how judgy and mean she is. I forgot how she's unable to let anyone derive any joy from anything. Of course she's going to disapprove of Burger Week and of course she's going to roll her eyes at any happiness my FIL gets from it. My bad.

Today Youngest had a birthday party at Top Golf. She started talking about needing new shoes, and indeed she does need new shoes for the start of the schoolyear. 

She said, "[MIL] wants to take me shoe shopping. She told me to ask you when is a good time."

No. 

No, no no. 

That's how this all started. It is not on my kids to "tell Mommy." It will never happen if they are supposed to "tell Mommy," because it's not as if I'm going to text my MIL and say, "Hey—I heard you want to buy stuff for my kids. When do you want to do that?" Reach out. Send me a text. Say, "When is a good time for me to take the kids shoe shopping?" How hard is it? It feels like they're just defying my wishes and boundaries for fun now. I'm going to have to stand up again. I don't want to, but clearly they don't understand my very simple wishes about making plans with my kids. Loop me in. That's all I ask for. And, maybe be nice to me? Being nice may be too much to ask for, and if so, that's fine. They don't have to be nice to me but they do have to go through me to make plans with my kids. I will die on this hill. I'm going to have to stand up again, and I really don't want to. 

And when I do push back, it looks like I'm ungrateful for the generous gesture of a pair of new shoes. I am actually really grateful for that. And, in a normal world, I would be glad that they have a grandmother left to go shopping with. I think that's a really special experience. I want them to have that. I know MIL wants it. I don't want to stand in the way, and it's also helpful that she wants to buy shoes. It's a really nice thing for her to do. All I'm asking is that she go through me for the plans. I really don't understand how this is hard. 

I hate this dynamic so much. I've set a boundary: go through me when making plans with my kids. She has pushed back on the boundary. Now she wants to take my kids shopping, but she doesn't want to respect the boundary. If and when I tell her that she needs to respect the boundary, I look like the ungrateful bitch who isn't thankful for the gift of a pair of new shoes for my kids. I am grateful. But I would rather buy them myself than endure the disrespect. 

Twinkle: In a Normal Family...

MIL texted my husband and me. She wanted to know if we were going to Shabbat in the Park. Actually, no thanks, I think I'll skip this one. She asked my husband, "Do you want me to bring food for all of us?" I was actually going to just let her bring food for all of them—what do I care? But my husband knows I'm sick of letting her control everything, so he helpfully said, "No, Twinkle has food that we'll bring." And honestly, it isn't that big of a deal. I threw a quick little picnic together. I know he was trying to help and keep her from controlling every single thing. 

As I threw together a quick little picnic, I thought about the collaboration it would have been in a normal family. I could have said, "I'm sort of going in a Mediterranean direction. I'll bring the pesto pasta salad. Do you want to grab some hummus and whipped feta?  And she could have said, "Sure! I'll make a caprese salad and bring some fresh cherries." And I could have said, "Great—I'll send plates and cups." And it would have been so normal. 

I really think it's up to the MIL to set the tone when someone marries into a family. The tone she has set is one where she controls everything, so the dynamic isn't one where I could take the initiative like that. (And then recently she has blamed me for "never hosting" and generally not taking the initiative.) In our family dynamic, she doesn't let anyone help (and then complains that no one helps). She decides the menu and it's not a collaboration. She'll do the whole thing by herself. If I ever made a suggestion about the direction a meal should go in, it would be way out of line. It would never happen. This is the tone she has set. If I ever took the initiative (that she blames me for not taking), she would completely dismiss that initiative. She has hosted every Friday night ever since the beginning of our marriage, and we're expected to be there and never invited to contribute...but in her mind I'm the bitch because "I never invite them over on a Friday night." I have never been treated like an equal, and I don't know the rules or expectations here. I didn't know I was allowed to invite them over on a Friday night. I thought it was her thing, especially since she never lets me help or participate. It is just staggering, the way she has treated me, and then she blames me for trying to work within the parameters she has set. 

And then she asks if she should bring all the food to feed my family. She's going to bring an entire separate picnic tonight, even though my husband said no—it will be enough for her and my FIL and my husband and all my kids. She'll do it even though my husband said I had it covered. 

And it's so petty. And so much extra work. It should be a collaboration among equals who want to help each other. Instead she makes everything a dictatorship, and when I try to go out on my own and feed my family, she'll invariably turn it all into a competition.

Twinkle: And Another Thing

My husband finally called me and was sympathetic, so that helped. Talking to him helped me realize something else.

It’s now 10:30. I wanted to get the kilts hemmed today. I need Eldest there, physically, to figure out the length of the hem. I have a few other errands to run. Middle and Yongest are both late sleepers. I think they’re fine staying home by themselves, but Middle doesn’t like it. I can’t leave and run my errands because if Middle woke up in a house without me, my husband, or Eldest, she would be upset. I know she’s 12 and she should be ok with it, but I’m not doing that to her until she’s comfortable with it.

Mr, Twinkle wants to explain all this to his father, how it throws off everything when I don’t know what’s going on. He thinks his father can handle it better than his mom did. CLEARLY neither of them can handle it. MIL has him brainwashed to think I’m a Megan Markle type who hates family. 

They don’t respect me as a mother, and they don’t respect my husband either. They think THEY are the parents and they can do whatever they want. When I said no and tried to draw a boundary, they acted like I was crazy, controlling, and domineering, and on some sort of power trip. 

If we did try to explain to them that it threw off the day, it would raise two questions in their minds: 1) why are the kids sleeping so late?; and 2) why doesn’t Twinkle think they can stay alone while she runs errands? “Gawd! She’s so controlling and she just HAS to be in charge of everything and baby them!” As I said, I do think they can stay alone. If I tried to explain all that to my in-laws, to get ahead of their criticism of me and my parenting for letting my kids sleep so late and not putting them in situations they’d find uncomfortable, my in-laws would 100% say, “Why was she so WORDY in her explanation? It didn’t need to be two paragraphs long! She could have said it in one sentence!” They criticize situations they know nothing about, and then call me crazy when I try to explain myself.

I cannot do anything right and they don’t respect me and they never will. They assume the worst of me on every single thing I do. And they clearly don’t want to respect my boundaries, and they don’t think my feelings or opinions matter. It’s a terrible feeling to know all this, and to have tried to speak up, and know that none of it mattered. I blew it all up and set a boundary for nothing.

Twinkle: Sigh. All that Drama Last Spring for Absolutely Nothing. Sigh.

The kids are finally home from camp. It's summertime, and the livin' is easy. I mean it's actually sort of hard because they all have friends and conflicting agendas and things they want to do, and I'm trying to squeeze in all the pool days and family movie nights, and then you throw in fall sports practices, necessary errands, back to school tasks like getting kilts hemmed and getting school supplies and ordering textbooks. It's actually a lot, but I'm so glad to have them back. By "the livin' is easy" I just meant I have relaxed my own standards of general household cleanliness and competency in order to enjoy it all with my kids before the start of school. 

So. The house is not that clean. There's an Amazon box by the front door. There's a pool bag on the chair. There's a wine glass from last night's viewing of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark on the table next to my spot on the sofa. And there aren't many rules about when to go to bed and when to wake up. And I'm forgiving myself for all of it. We're relaxing everything and just having fun before the regimented schedule kicks back in.

That's why I was unpleasantly surprised this morning at 8:30 a.m., when I was enjoying my morning coffee in a house full of sleeping teens and preteens, to hear a knock at my door, and to see my in-laws' car in the driveway. The dog was going wild, threatening to disturb the peace of the morning and wake everyone up. I was in my PJs, sitting in bed, not ready to answer the door. And I wasn't going to either. The knocking did not stop. They weren't going away.

Finally my eldest came to my door and informed me that she was going driving this morning. She forgot to tell me. My husband forgot to tell me. My in-laws forgot to tell me. Everyone forgot to tell me that this was happening.

This is exactly the type of situation that so set my MIL off last April when I sent her that fateful text that said, "Hey—can you please loop me in on the plans so I know what's going on with my kids?" And she got all mad about it and had a long list of grievances about how awful I am. And everything blew up. And now, here we are at the end of July, after all of it, and no one thought to tell me about the plans.

I just cannot deal with these people. I am filled with both blind rage and laughter, because I am still living in bizarro world with these absolute inconsiderate assholes who think they're right all the time. How hard is it to send a text, "Hey—[Eldest] and I are going driving in the morning. See you at 8:30." I would have at least washed my face and brushed my hair and moved the Amazon box by 8:30.

Sigh. Off to text my therapist.