Oh, Match.Com, I know you're supposed to create more weddings than any other measure. I know you work for some people. For me, my friend, you've sent me a murderer, a swing-dance enthusiast who may or may not me on the Autism spectrum, and a married native of India who I didn't really care if I understood, as he was talking about the inner-workings of computers. I will praise your block feature. That little married creep sent a message that accidentally slipped through and then got blocked on Christmas. Has he been begging me to chat with him for weeks with no reply? I'll pray that he finds someone else. Please, please, find him someone else. And make sure to teach him to delete the messages on his cell phone. It was a turn-off when his wife texted me.
Match, I just don't understand why no one likes me. I'm a Sunny, Southern, fucking Sweetheart for the Love of God. Am I not making that obvious? Coincidentally, every normal person who sends me a message knew me in college, when I was Sunny, Southern, and Sweet and would have been dismayed at an f-bomb being thrown in the middle of that. I don't need you for those guys, Match, they're already my facebook friends. I don't sense a love connection.
Match, you have one more week. Do you hear me, one more week? No more bandannas, mullets, earners of <$25,000, high school graduates, people who live in Brandenburg, tooth-deprived, or line beards. Give me quality or give me my money back.
Your's in Spinsterhood,
Dibbs
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Twinkle: First Snowfall, Not the First (or Last) Time Fun Sink Doubts My Parenting Skills
Well, the Ville was dusted with a very pretty 1-1/2 inch of snow last night, so the Twinkle girls were overjoyed to put on their snowsuits and head out into the winter wilderness this morning. You all might have seen the pics on Facebook...the two older sisters headed out to sled in the park with Mr. Twinks, Big Sister hugging an adorable snowman in the front yard.
Mr. Twinks was talking to his mom on the phone tonight, who asked if I took Baby B to the park to go sledding. Seriously, Fun Sink, do you have so little faith in me and my parenting decisions? Do you actually think I'm going to take a not-yet-three-month-old out in the freezing Kentucky morning, put her on a sled with two rambunctious older sisters, and send them all careening down a hill?
I am just disgusted that she felt she had to ask that question. That is all.
Mr. Twinks was talking to his mom on the phone tonight, who asked if I took Baby B to the park to go sledding. Seriously, Fun Sink, do you have so little faith in me and my parenting decisions? Do you actually think I'm going to take a not-yet-three-month-old out in the freezing Kentucky morning, put her on a sled with two rambunctious older sisters, and send them all careening down a hill?
I am just disgusted that she felt she had to ask that question. That is all.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Twinkle: Mother/Baby Bonding
What is it about babies wanting their moms that Mr. Twinkle's family objects to?
Remember the bastard baby whose arrival was announced last summer? Well, she was born, 7 weeks early--she's fine but needs a little bit of time in the NICU to get bigger. So the cousin, Kelly, goes there every morning to hang out with her all day (ask me about this baby's name, the tackiest name ever...I'm afraid if anyone Googled it they would be brought directly to this blog, and that would be bad). Mr. Twinkle's grandmother was talking tonight about how Kelly hates to leave her each night because she starts to cry because she wants Kelly. Grandma-in-Law said, "Of course, the baby doesn't really want her...she just wants to be held. The baby doesn't even know her, but of course I didn't tell her that. But Kelly thinks the baby wants her, when really the baby is too little to know her."
The baby was born about 2 weeks ago. I'd venture a guess that she knows the smell and feel of her mother by now, and I think it's perfectly natural and normal for a mother and child to want to be together.
It used to make me so mad when they'd say that about my babies--that they were too little to know or want me. Who are they to speak the babies of the world? Why is it so unbelievable that Kelly's baby would want her? Why does everyone in this family want to diminish the natural bond between mothers and babies?
It's bizarre.
Also, the babymama just got engaged to the babydaddy. My fingers are crossed for a June wedding, with their bastard baby as the miniature flower girl.
Remember the bastard baby whose arrival was announced last summer? Well, she was born, 7 weeks early--she's fine but needs a little bit of time in the NICU to get bigger. So the cousin, Kelly, goes there every morning to hang out with her all day (ask me about this baby's name, the tackiest name ever...I'm afraid if anyone Googled it they would be brought directly to this blog, and that would be bad). Mr. Twinkle's grandmother was talking tonight about how Kelly hates to leave her each night because she starts to cry because she wants Kelly. Grandma-in-Law said, "Of course, the baby doesn't really want her...she just wants to be held. The baby doesn't even know her, but of course I didn't tell her that. But Kelly thinks the baby wants her, when really the baby is too little to know her."
The baby was born about 2 weeks ago. I'd venture a guess that she knows the smell and feel of her mother by now, and I think it's perfectly natural and normal for a mother and child to want to be together.
It used to make me so mad when they'd say that about my babies--that they were too little to know or want me. Who are they to speak the babies of the world? Why is it so unbelievable that Kelly's baby would want her? Why does everyone in this family want to diminish the natural bond between mothers and babies?
It's bizarre.
Also, the babymama just got engaged to the babydaddy. My fingers are crossed for a June wedding, with their bastard baby as the miniature flower girl.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Twinkle: About Those Dining Room Chairs...
...I was wondering the same thing myself, Julep. How do you give someone those without offending them/giving them the wrong thing/spending more than you want to spend? Does she...
a.) Give me a cash amount specifying that this is for the dining room chairs? And if I happen to go over budget, I'd be expected to cover the difference myself? (I'd actually prefer this option if we had a normal relationship, but with her it would require an awkward discussion about money, and that would inevitably lead her to judge me for being too extravagant, which she does all the time anyway).
b.) Go with me to choose the fabric? This could get tricky, because who really wants to explain or justify one's purchases to Fun Sink? A budget would have to be agreed upon ahead of time, and that just sounds awkward and icky. I'm sure she'd get all judgy if I chose something she thought was too expensive or just not her taste. (That's right, folks. Fun Sink does not care for my Herend wedding china. She'd prefer a plastic plate that doubles as a frisbee, or this).
c.) Choose something for me? This is obviously the worst option of all--see my post on contemporary judaica.
Fun Sink went with
d.) None of the above.
She didn't end up giving me this, probably because of the potential awkwardness listed above. Looks like Mr. Twinkle is back on the hook for some reupholstery.
a.) Give me a cash amount specifying that this is for the dining room chairs? And if I happen to go over budget, I'd be expected to cover the difference myself? (I'd actually prefer this option if we had a normal relationship, but with her it would require an awkward discussion about money, and that would inevitably lead her to judge me for being too extravagant, which she does all the time anyway).
b.) Go with me to choose the fabric? This could get tricky, because who really wants to explain or justify one's purchases to Fun Sink? A budget would have to be agreed upon ahead of time, and that just sounds awkward and icky. I'm sure she'd get all judgy if I chose something she thought was too expensive or just not her taste. (That's right, folks. Fun Sink does not care for my Herend wedding china. She'd prefer a plastic plate that doubles as a frisbee, or this).
c.) Choose something for me? This is obviously the worst option of all--see my post on contemporary judaica.
Fun Sink went with
d.) None of the above.
She didn't end up giving me this, probably because of the potential awkwardness listed above. Looks like Mr. Twinkle is back on the hook for some reupholstery.
Julep: Christmas Classic
I feel like y'all have heard this refrain so many times you can sing it for me, but I've got to share it....
Y'all know we are renovating the house. We will have two newly remodeled bathrooms when finished. (Someday, Lord ... someday!) What does every freshly painted bathroom call for? New towels, of course. And even new rugs. Both Mr-Mama and J-Mama thought this would be a good Christmas gift.
J-Mama told me she was thinking about buying us new rugs and towels, asked if that was something we really wanted, then came over and spent probably far longer than necessary in our new master bathroom (the one that is 90% finished) measuring the floor and asking what size rugs would suit us best and consulting us about colors. So when we opened our Christmas present, we found exactly what we would have picked out for ourselves, but for free!
Mr-Mama just went out and bought us a whole suite of towels and rugs. No asking. Wrong color, wrong sizes. No gift receipt.
When I told my mom, true to form, she tried to see Mr-Mama's perspective and pointed out to me that some people really like gifts that surprise. Sure, but you know, I don't need the element of surprise at the holidays as much as I need a comfortable bathroom that doesn't subtly irritate me every morning when I take a shower. And if you are going to buy people something they will use every day, don't you think you should be sure to buy what they want, not what you think they should want?
This whole escapade made me think of Twinkle's Hanukkah dining room chairs. How did that turn out?
Y'all know we are renovating the house. We will have two newly remodeled bathrooms when finished. (Someday, Lord ... someday!) What does every freshly painted bathroom call for? New towels, of course. And even new rugs. Both Mr-Mama and J-Mama thought this would be a good Christmas gift.
J-Mama told me she was thinking about buying us new rugs and towels, asked if that was something we really wanted, then came over and spent probably far longer than necessary in our new master bathroom (the one that is 90% finished) measuring the floor and asking what size rugs would suit us best and consulting us about colors. So when we opened our Christmas present, we found exactly what we would have picked out for ourselves, but for free!
Mr-Mama just went out and bought us a whole suite of towels and rugs. No asking. Wrong color, wrong sizes. No gift receipt.
When I told my mom, true to form, she tried to see Mr-Mama's perspective and pointed out to me that some people really like gifts that surprise. Sure, but you know, I don't need the element of surprise at the holidays as much as I need a comfortable bathroom that doesn't subtly irritate me every morning when I take a shower. And if you are going to buy people something they will use every day, don't you think you should be sure to buy what they want, not what you think they should want?
This whole escapade made me think of Twinkle's Hanukkah dining room chairs. How did that turn out?
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Twinkle: Kiss My *ss, Fun Sink. Just kiss it.
Well, it has been a crazy couple of months as I've adjusted to three children, and this month was especially challenging as I made Hanukkah and Christmas magic happen for all. I always feel like the month of December wants to fight me, and every year when I win, I feel a huge sense of relief and accomplishment. That's what I felt today.
Tree/stairway garland down and out the door: check
House understatedly decorated for winter: check
Healthy dinner made and actually consumed (at least by one kid): check
Final transition of older sisters sharing a bedroom: check
The last one was huge, and it went off with much sisterly sweetness and minimal drama (knock on wood). So y'all can understand that when I sat down tonight, I felt pretty good. I felt like I was getting a handle on it all, like the three girl thing gives me more good moments than hard ones, like it's really and truly becoming a lot of fun.
And then Mr. Twinkle talked to Fun Sink, who just has a way of knocking the wind out of my sails every single time. I guess he mentioned that A and E started sharing a room, and she was unsupportive and asked him why we were doing it now (so that E doesn't have to give up her crib and her room and all her personal space all at once--and also because the girls are excited about being roommates--that's why, not that it's any of Fun Sink's business). She was mostly concerned because A likes to read before bed and E needs the light off. I'm sorry, but that's not her problem. If she had any faith in me as a mother, she'd trust that I'd taken care of it. I know A likes to look at her books. I encourage it, which is why I let her choose a book light so that she can still read in bed. Problem solved. Mind your own business, Fun Sink. It just bothers me that Fun Sink thinks I'm not going to encourage reading, or that I can't come up with a solution to the little problems that arise without her intervention. I mean--a light being on or off--why is that Fun Sink's concern? Talk about micromanagement.
And at the end of the day, all I can say is screw her. We've got a private girl club over here, and she's not in it. If she had any common sense, she'd start being nicer to the president.
Tree/stairway garland down and out the door: check
House understatedly decorated for winter: check
Healthy dinner made and actually consumed (at least by one kid): check
Final transition of older sisters sharing a bedroom: check
The last one was huge, and it went off with much sisterly sweetness and minimal drama (knock on wood). So y'all can understand that when I sat down tonight, I felt pretty good. I felt like I was getting a handle on it all, like the three girl thing gives me more good moments than hard ones, like it's really and truly becoming a lot of fun.
And then Mr. Twinkle talked to Fun Sink, who just has a way of knocking the wind out of my sails every single time. I guess he mentioned that A and E started sharing a room, and she was unsupportive and asked him why we were doing it now (so that E doesn't have to give up her crib and her room and all her personal space all at once--and also because the girls are excited about being roommates--that's why, not that it's any of Fun Sink's business). She was mostly concerned because A likes to read before bed and E needs the light off. I'm sorry, but that's not her problem. If she had any faith in me as a mother, she'd trust that I'd taken care of it. I know A likes to look at her books. I encourage it, which is why I let her choose a book light so that she can still read in bed. Problem solved. Mind your own business, Fun Sink. It just bothers me that Fun Sink thinks I'm not going to encourage reading, or that I can't come up with a solution to the little problems that arise without her intervention. I mean--a light being on or off--why is that Fun Sink's concern? Talk about micromanagement.
And at the end of the day, all I can say is screw her. We've got a private girl club over here, and she's not in it. If she had any common sense, she'd start being nicer to the president.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Twinkle: It's a Hanukkah Dream Come True (Sort Of)
Here's a funny exchange between Mr. Twinkle and me tonight:
Me: So I take it you haven't exactly finished your Hanukkah shopping for me?
Mr. Twinkle: No. I still need to shop.
Me: (Trying to throw a guy a bone). Well, I have an idea. Why don't I go pick out some fabric to re-cover the dining room chairs, and that can be my Hanukkah?
(Glamorous, I know, but it desperately needs to be done).
Mr. Twinkle: Um...I think you might already be getting that...
Me: What? ... Your mom! ... That b*tch!
---
It's funny, but there's something different about me knowing it needs to be done and taking care of it, and her taking it upon herself to make it happen. It's nice of her; it's necessary, but it's also mildly annoying. I do find it hilarious that it's something that I want and need, but coming from her it seems pushy.
Me: So I take it you haven't exactly finished your Hanukkah shopping for me?
Mr. Twinkle: No. I still need to shop.
Me: (Trying to throw a guy a bone). Well, I have an idea. Why don't I go pick out some fabric to re-cover the dining room chairs, and that can be my Hanukkah?
(Glamorous, I know, but it desperately needs to be done).
Mr. Twinkle: Um...I think you might already be getting that...
Me: What? ... Your mom! ... That b*tch!
---
It's funny, but there's something different about me knowing it needs to be done and taking care of it, and her taking it upon herself to make it happen. It's nice of her; it's necessary, but it's also mildly annoying. I do find it hilarious that it's something that I want and need, but coming from her it seems pushy.
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