Twinkle: My Kids Love Me, Leaving MIL Baffled

I love hanging with all my kids. Oldest and Middle will hang with me and want to talk sometimes, and when they do I drop everything, because it doesn’t happen all the time. Youngest, on the other hand, always wants to hang. She’ll talk to me in the pool for hours, analyzing everyone in the 5th grade, discussing the friend groups, or just throwing a scrunchie back and forth. She wants to play cards each night. We’re really enjoying reading Anne of Green Gables together. If I need to run an errand, out of the three of them, she will always be the one to go with me and then want to keep driving around listening to music.

Today when we met up to hand off the kids to the grandparents before the trip to Lexington, she was sad. MIL was baffled. What could possibly be wrong? What could it be? It was a flashback of when they were babies, screaming for me. “She’s hungry.” “Her feet are cold.” “You forgot to put a hat on her.” Only this time it was different, because she can speak. “Are you tired?” Did you not get enough sleep last night?” “Do you not want to go to Memphis?”

My husband stood there dumbly while Youngest clung to me, crying. Middle was getting her pre-back-to-school hair cut (we met at the salon), and Eldest would have done anything to get out of the awkward situation, where Youngest was crying and MIL could not understand what was going on. Finally I said, exasperated, “I think she’s sad that I’m leaving.” It would have been nice if my husband had said it, but I guess it’s too much to ask for for ANYONE to acknowledge that I mean something to my kids. MIL was still incredulous. She can’t comprehend that my kids actually like me, that any child would actually want their mother. They could be (and have been) torn sobbing from my arms, screaming, “Mommmmmyyy!” And MIL will be like, “What could possibly be wrong? It’s definitely that she didn’t get enough sleep last night.”

I’m sure she’ll spend the next two days trying to deprogram my kids from loving their mother.

Twinkle: Memphis Blues

 When will I ever learn, y’all? Will it be this time? Will this be the time when I learn my lesson?

My husband has to speak at a conference in Lexington for the next two days, and I always go with him because it’s fun to go there and stay in a hotel, go to my favorite antique shops, walk around downtown Lexington, etc. In the old times the grandparents each could have done a night with them, but that’s really too much to ask of my dad. We asked my in-laws to hang with the kids, and of course, because nothing is never enough, they said, “Sure we’ll watch them for two days, and then after that we’ll just take them with us to Memphis on Friday morning!”

We’ll be finished on Friday and they easily could have just left the kids at our house for a couple of hours until we got back to town, but because I never learn, I asked my husband what he thought about going to Memphis, too, and meeting everyone down there.

Please understand two points: I was coming off a beautiful cousins’ weekend with my aunt Mel (she that my MiL so resents) and her side of the family. She is so sweet and kind, loves everyone, loves controlled grandkid chaos, laughs a lot. Even though I’ve been accused of hating family, Mel’s vibe is actually that I wish for with my husband’s side of the family. I don’t hate family at all. I wish for a family that accepts me and doesn’t steamroll me, that can just relax and laugh.

The other point is that I stipulated I was only comfortable staying in a hotel. I thought it was pretty rude to invite ourselves and then descend on my SIL’s house like a swarm of locusts. I told my husband before I ever suggested it that I was only comfortable staying in a hotel. He said, and I quote, “Don’t we have that gift card to the Peabody we’ve been saving?” That sounded great to me. Putting in a little face time with the family. Throwing my in-laws a bone. Retreating to the Peabody.

Then the rest of the week happened. I talked to my SIL, who insisted that it wouldn’t be an imposition at all and we could sleep on her sofa bed. I said, “Maybe; we’ll see.” And then reiterated to my husband that I was not comfortable with this arrangement. She and my MIL have planned all the vegan meals for us. MIL told my kids Memphis was happening before we got a chance to. My husband was working on his speeches for the conference so I barely saw him.

Last night we finally talked about it, and by now I’m sure you’ve worked out what has happened. My husband said that everyone was planning on us all staying with SIL, and MIL and SIL have worked on it and made plans. The trip I agreed to is not happening anymore. I’ve been steamrolled by these people yet again. I’ve gone from the Peabody (or any hotel; it doesn’t have to be the Peabody, but he was the one who suggested it) to my SIL’s pull-out sofa, with no agency or decision-making power whatsoever. Not even a door to close on the family when it gets to be too much. It doesn’t matter what I’m comfortable with, or how I feel about it, because this is what everyone else wants, and they’ve already planned the whole thing. And I was the one who even suggested it in the first place.

When will I learn? I just want to be accepted by them. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. No amount of doing what they want is ever enough for them. And how is my husband letting this happen, when I told him lots of times that I’m not comfortable with it? Will I ever stop trying to get them to like me? 

Real talk: they will never like you. Read those words, Twinkle. Bookmark the page. Remember.