I haven’t cared too much about Fun Sink in the past few years, but today she got to me. I guess part of me still cares, and part of me can still be hurt.
My SIL is in town, so we all had to go to brunch. I wasn’t allowed to get the brunch item that I usually like to get, because it has shrimp in it. Even though I’m an adult, I’m not allowed to make that decision for myself without the kosher police being horrified, outraged, and offended by the shrimp sushi taco I would have gotten (which is, by the way, my favorite meal ever, but we must not offend the kosher police). The silver lining was that I did just go up to the bar and order my own mimosas (to keep them off my FIL’s tab), so at least there was alcohol.
My MIL is setting up for some Simchas Torah event at the synagogue this week. I don’t know what Simchas Torah is, I don’t give a shit about it, I know that whatever the setup is will be ugly and tacky, and there are a lot of other ways I’d rather spend my Sunday afternoon instead of being part of whatever it is they’re doing. Intellectually, I know all that, but it still got to me, because my MIL was inviting literally every girl at the table to come help her with it, except for me. Just like always.
She brought her boring friend with her; they had been setting up. After brunch, my SIL was going to go help them. Fun Sink was trying to get my kids to go help (they wisely opted out); she was trying to get my sweet niece to help. I was sitting right there, but it was as if I didn’t exist.
This really bothered me for several reasons. First of all, she knows that her not including me in setup for holidays and occasions is something that bothers me. She knows it, but this knowledge never changes her behavior or motivates her to include me. She knows that just the simple act of her saying, “Would you like to come help set up?” would mean the world to me, but she simply doesn’t care enough to do it. Either that, or she knows I’d accept, and she can’t have that. Second, she prides herself on including everyone and being soooooo thoughtful to invite everyone she’s ever met to any holiday event or boring dinner she throws. She thinks she’s soooooo welcoming, but she never welcomes me.
I don’t know what I did to make her hate me so much. I haven’t wasted a lot of time thinking about her in the past few years, but this got to me. It’s like I’m not even part of the family. I don’t count enough to be included in things like this. I actually burst out in tears over this in the car on the way home. It was unexpected; I don’t know where it came from. Years of cruelty, probably. Years and years of being excluded and mistreated in this bizarro world I married into, where my SIL is the gold standard and certain family friends who were in my SIL’s sorority (y’all know who) are treated more like family than I am.
It’s always bad when my SIL comes to town, not because she’s bad per se, but because there’s lots of family togetherness and the bizarro world that I married into is exposed and laid bare. In the real world, I volunteer for lots of things, and the people I’m with allow me to use my strengths to help with whatever we’re doing. In bizarro world, I’m unwanted and excluded. In the real world, I have friends who like me and they think I’m fun to be around. In bizarro world, I’m tolerated, sort of. In the real world, I’m an important part of my family and circle of friends. In bizarro world, no one wants me around. I love my husband and my kids; I obviously would not change a thing, but when I’m in bizarro world, it makes me question everything. It messes with me. Being made to feel worthless and unwanted in a family takes its toll, after awhile. I have to think it’s deliberate on her part, because how hard would it be to say, “Would you like to come help?”
She wants me to feel this way, which is why most days I don’t let her. It’s going to be a long week. I’m going to need my friends to remind me of who I am, and that y’all love me even though some in my own family don’t care about me at all.
