Here we go: The Mr-Mama is a lovely woman who should have gone back to work 20 years ago when her youngest started school, or at least thrown herself into charity projects. She is very smart, and playing golf and riding her horse does not provide her with enough to do with her time. She has her sewing work, and that would be a great use of her energies if she were more self-motivated. But she doesn't like to be obligated to do things on other people's deadlines, and so she just sort of dabbles.
I'm not saying that she should go out and get a job now - she hasn't worked since 1980, she can hardly use a computer. At this point, there's nothing she'd be hired to do that would be challenging and fulfilling. That is truly a shame. And although I would regret the waste of a smart woman's capabilities in an abstract way no matter what, I probably wouldn't worry about it too much if it didn't affect me.
All of the above is background. Here's the rub: to fill her time, Mr-Mama likes to go shopping. Oh, does she like to go shopping. She likes to hunt for bargains, so she shops a lot on the sales racks at Macy, and places like Stein Mart or Kohl's. She thinks since she doesn't spend much money per item, she is being thrifty. Ha! A few weeks ago (at the football game, in fact) Mr J and I mentioned in front of his mama that he needed some new dress shirts, since his old ones date back to high school and are too small in the neck. Next thing I know, I've come home from the office and there is a giant Kohl's bag sitting on the kitchen counter. I said to Mr. J, "What's in there?" And he said, "Guess." I peeked in the bag, and saw eight or nine dress shirts in a rainbow of colors.
Now bless her, he did need shirts. Eight was overkill, but ... whatever. I don't mind so much that she buys things for Mr. J. What drives me crazy is that she buys things for me, and for the house. She has good taste, so at least there's that. But I don't need an hors d'ouevre plate shaped like a gourd. Nor do I need a matched set of kleenex box cover, toothbrush holder, and small dishes. Yes, they "look like me" in that I would like the style and color if I saw them at the store. I would perhaps even comment, "oh look, those are cute." But I would not buy them.
Here's another thing I wouldn't buy: clothes I don't need. Mr. J and I went to a black tie wedding in New York last month, and we decided it was time to buy Mr. J a tux. Mr-Mama did the necessary alterations and he looks grand - but it prompted her to ask me what I would be wearing. I said, "Well, I would wear that great dress you gave me last year, but I do hate to wear black to a wedding, even a Yankee wedding where probably no one would notice [and sure enough, 2/3 of the ladies present had black on]. But I'll find something." Meaning, of course, that I would find something in my closet.
Next thing I know, Mr-Mama is calling me up one evening to come over. She had gone to the mall and purchased five different evening gowns for me to try on. Sure enough, one fit and looked great, and I thanked her nicely and wore it to the wedding. Pick your battles, right? Well, then, a week later she calls again. When she was returning the dresses that didn't fit, she couldn't resist looking to see if a particularly pretty one was there in a bigger size. It was, and so she brought that home too. I tried to protest that the wedding was over but she wouldn't take no for an answer. I said I had no need for another formal dress (what with the ones I had before and the two she's now bought me in the space of a year) and I felt bad to waste money on it, and she said, "well you aren't! It's my money!"
I don't buy myself a lot of stuff, and isn't just because I'm cheap. (I am cheap, we know that.) It's a philosophical difference. I don't care for clutter. I don't like having a lot of crap piled up around the house in every nook and cranny. I also don't like spending money on things we don't need because there are people out there who really need things, and if I have $50 I don't need, a better purpose for it is to give it to someone who needs food and shelter and warm clothes than to buy myself some tchotchke to gather dust, or some piece of clothing that is going to hang in the closet and never get worn.
And I feel this way even though it isn't my money she's spending. It's wasteful. It wastes money and it wastes her time buying all this crap for us. And I wish there were some way I could tactfully tell her to go down to the Center for Women and Families, pick up a list of stuff they need, and go shop for that instead.
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