Julep: Surely You Jest.

I just got home from a SuperBowl party at Mr-Sister's house. Mr. J is out of town but she invited me to come without him, which was awfully nice of her. I've gotten to know several of her friends well over the years, and I enjoy them. So off I went, and who ended up sitting beside me but her good friend S.

S is a sweet girl; I like her very much; she is also pregnant. This is not too big a deal - y'all know I am not one to begrudge, and although she is seven years younger than I am in fact S has been married longer. So although I didn't start asking her any happy baby questions, I was fine. Until ...

J, another gal pal of Mr-Sister's, is getting married in July, and it seems that they have already scheduled the weekend for J's bachelorette festivities. The girls discovered this evening that there is some fabulous music festival in Gulf Shores, Alabama on J's bachelorette weekend. Excitement ensued with great discussion of whether they can go to Gulf Shores for the bachelorette. S's husband called from across the room, "I don't think the doctor will OK that for you!" She said, "Well, maybe I can go ... when is it?" May 22. "I could maybe go. I'll see, anyway." Much joking from the room. She seemed annoyed.

So I asked her, quietly, "When are you due?" June 11, she said. I laughed and said, "I think you will have to sit this one out, no doctor will let you take a road trip to Gulf Shores at that point." And she said, "Well, you know, I'm planning to do a natural birth and all, so the doctor really isn't the final say."

Honey. I don't care if you are planning to spawn this child from your cranium like Athena from the head of Zeus. When you are TWENTY DAYS from your due date, you cannot be driving across three states to spend a weekend in the hot sun wandering around a music festival. I am sorry to be the one to break the news to you, but this will be the first of many fun times that your single, childless girlfriends will be having without you. Deal with it.

Oh, and at halftime, her husband stepped out to the backyard to smoke some weed.

Is it possible to call Child Protective Services before the baby is actually born? I would like to exercise eminent domain on that fetus.