Monday, September 14, 2015

Julep: The HRF

Mr. J's sister got engaged last weekend. Y'all know that I am dearly fond of Mr-Sister. I am somewhat less fond of her beau, whose previous title (The Highly Regrettable Boyfriend) must now be revised to The Highly Regrettable Fiance. I don't dislike him in the pure sense. But he is not merely socially awkward - he is just plain anti-social. And he makes me uneasy. I don't trust him.

Here's the latest classic example. Mr-Sister is having a lot of anxiety around wedding planning. Now part of that was inevitable, given her mother. But I truly did not think it would be so difficult for her to make some high-level decisions and then tell Mr-Mama to have at it.

I had a long chat with her the other day, and here's what I discovered: The HRF doesn't want a wedding. Not a real one. Mr-Sis told me, "He'd be happy to go down to the Justice of the Peace and have dinner after in my parents' backyard." Furthermore, she said, "He doesn't want to get married in front of a bunch of my parents' friends, or even my friends that he doesn't know well." So Mr-Sis is tying herself in knots trying to transform the wedding she always assumed she would have into something smaller and less ... wedding-like ... so that The HRF won't be uncomfortable.

She was talking about flying off to the Bahamas - she said, "we could invite about 50 people." I gently suggested to her that a destination wedding is extremely inconvenient for people with small children who must either spend thousands of dollars on airfare to bring the whole crew or figure out who will watch their children at home - and I don't mean her brother and me, I figure that Mr-Papa will at least help us with the tab although there won't be much he can do about either Mr. J or me (ha, I pretend that it might possibly be Mr. J) having to spend the evenings after 8 p.m. sitting in a hotel room while the party goes on downstairs and our children sleep, as I do not want to live out the story of that British couple whose daughter was abducted from their hotel room in Portugal while they had dinner downstairs. Where was I? Oh yes, she has several very close friends with small children and non-extensive bank accounts. Also, her lifelong best friend will be nine months pregnant in the spring and certainly not flying to the Bahamas. Oh, and her 90 year old grandmother won't be able to go either. Finally, I asked whether The HRF would be really more comfortable in a group of 50 where approximately 6 of them are his own friends and relations.

I think she has ditched the destination idea. She's now talking about some barn out in the countryside that rents out for weddings. And listen, it's her wedding, she should do what she will love. It's not the specific plans that are bothering me ... it's the idea that your fiance doesn't want you to have a wedding full of the people who have loved you throughout your life, who want to come and celebrate your joy with you, because he's uncomfortable in crowds. Suck it up, dude. He is perfectly happy to stay home and sit on the couch with her at all times - and maybe the times that they are alone together watching TV are wonderful and blissful, I don't know, What I do know is that before she met him, she was a quintessential people person. I know that people change as they get older, and maybe she has realized that being in big groups isn't something she really enjoys or needs in her life. But I don't think so. I think she keeps thinking that it will get better: as he meets more of her friends and gets to know people better, he'll be more comfortable around them. But I think she is mistaken. I don't think he wants that at all. He wants her to make her life smaller so that he will be more at ease in it. And I hate to think she is carving away pieces of herself in order to make him happier.

Oh, and I ain't sayin' he's a gold-digger ... but I am wondering if there is any tactful way to suggest to her that consulting a lawyer about a pre-nup would be a really, really good idea. Shower gift, maybe?

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