Twinkle: In a Normal Family...

MIL texted my husband and me. She wanted to know if we were going to Shabbat in the Park. Actually, no thanks, I think I'll skip this one. She asked my husband, "Do you want me to bring food for all of us?" I was actually going to just let her bring food for all of them—what do I care? But my husband knows I'm sick of letting her control everything, so he helpfully said, "No, Twinkle has food that we'll bring." And honestly, it isn't that big of a deal. I threw a quick little picnic together. I know he was trying to help and keep her from controlling every single thing. 

As I threw together a quick little picnic, I thought about the collaboration it would have been in a normal family. I could have said, "I'm sort of going in a Mediterranean direction. I'll bring the pesto pasta salad. Do you want to grab some hummus and whipped feta?  And she could have said, "Sure! I'll make a caprese salad and bring some fresh cherries." And I could have said, "Great—I'll send plates and cups." And it would have been so normal. 

I really think it's up to the MIL to set the tone when someone marries into a family. The tone she has set is one where she controls everything, so the dynamic isn't one where I could take the initiative like that. (And then recently she has blamed me for "never hosting" and generally not taking the initiative.) In our family dynamic, she doesn't let anyone help (and then complains that no one helps). She decides the menu and it's not a collaboration. She'll do the whole thing by herself. If I ever made a suggestion about the direction a meal should go in, it would be way out of line. It would never happen. This is the tone she has set. If I ever took the initiative (that she blames me for not taking), she would completely dismiss that initiative. She has hosted every Friday night ever since the beginning of our marriage, and we're expected to be there and never invited to contribute...but in her mind I'm the bitch because "I never invite them over on a Friday night." I have never been treated like an equal, and I don't know the rules or expectations here. I didn't know I was allowed to invite them over on a Friday night. I thought it was her thing, especially since she never lets me help or participate. It is just staggering, the way she has treated me, and then she blames me for trying to work within the parameters she has set. 

And then she asks if she should bring all the food to feed my family. She's going to bring an entire separate picnic tonight, even though my husband said no—it will be enough for her and my FIL and my husband and all my kids. She'll do it even though my husband said I had it covered. 

And it's so petty. And so much extra work. It should be a collaboration among equals who want to help each other. Instead she makes everything a dictatorship, and when I try to go out on my own and feed my family, she'll invariably turn it all into a competition.