Twinkle: Still Free And Loving It

 Well, my inlaws have seen the trees, the wreaths, the garlands…all of it. All my FIL had to say was, “Looks good,” sarcastically to my husband. I’m sorry but my decorations look beautiful. If all someone can say is a sarcastic “Looks good,” that person has a problem. 

I got Covid two days before Christmas, which means that my father couldn’t come over to stay for Christmas, and we couldn’t go to any family or friend parties, and it was generally a bummer. We made the best of it, but it was kind of a dud and I’m already planning next Christmas to make up for it. And yet, on the day after Christmas, before I was even out of quarantine, my in-laws were texting trying to make plans with the kids. There was no message of, “Gosh, I am so sorry this happened and your Christmas plans were forced to change.” No acknowledgement of the loss I felt, missing out on Christmas, or the worry I felt for my father, or the loneliness he felt…just “when can we see the kids?” I graciously said they could go to lunch on the day after Christmas (the ones who were over or didn’t have Covid). That wasn’t enough so they pushed to take the kids to a movie tomorrow, to which I also agreed because I am trying here.

I learned today that we have $600 on our medical flexible spending card, which will be lost if we don’t use it before the end of the year. I immediately made a last-minute appointment for Botox and lip injections. I got the last appointment of the day on the last day of the year, tomorrow at 4:45.

Tonight my husband was talking to the in-laws about the plans for the movie tomorrow. MIL was on speaker, judgmentally asking what I was going to be doing instead of coming to dinner after they go to the movie. If she didn’t come at everything so judgmentally, things could be normal. If she were normal, and accepting, I would 1) want to go over there for dinner, and 2) be able to be honest when I had a genuine conflict. If she were normal, I could and would totally say, “I had one more day to use our flexible spending money, so I made an appointment at the spa.” Most people that I know would say, “That’s awesome. Good for you.” But she would not approve. So why tell her? I could be having dinner with friends, cleaning out my closet, sleeping off the last of the Covid, running errands, or getting lip fillers, and she would not approve of any of these activities if it meant missing dinner over there. So why tell her? The irony is that if she approved and were nice about anything I ever did…maybe I would actually want to come around more. I wasn’t going to dinner over there before my Botox/lip filler plans came up, but now I do have an actual conflict, and that conflict is none of her business.

She invited us all to Frozen the Broadway Musical in January. Before, I would have said we could all go, dreaded it, had lunch with her at the Bristol, wasted a whole Saturday…now I’m like, “the girls would love to go, thank you, but I’m busy that day.” It’s so freeing.

I still feel liberated by the developments this year. I still don’t care that she doesn’t like my tree, and I still don’t feel any guilt over not telling her why I won’t be at dinner. Sometimes I look back at the years, and all the ways she could have accepted me, but chose not to. She always came at it from a place of judgment and disapproval. So I have no guilt or remorse over doing whatever I want, and telling her or not telling her. I am fine knowing that she doesn’t like me, and having her know that I don’t like her, and we both know that we know. I’m not wasting my time trying anymore. I’m finished pretending that it could be or is better. 

Twinkle: My MIL’s Relevance Continues to Decrease

There are times in my husband’s family when I feel like I’ve done something wrong, something that Fun Sink disapproves of. I sort of figure out she disapproves, and I’m left trying to figure out why. Because the things she gets mad about and disapproves of are often totally random things that no one else would even think about. 

Like the family group chat.

When the kids started to get phones and Apple Watches and their own ways to communicate, I started a group chat with the grandparents, my husband, my sister- and brother-in-law, and all the kids who had a device. I think that’s what normal families who love each other might do, and I created this chat back when I was still trying, back before the revelation that nothing I can ever do will get my MIL to like me. I figured we could share funny memes, stay in touch, and on some level I probably thought it would help the family communicate more, which, as you all know, they need to do but refuse to do.

Sometimes my MIL acts really friendly on there. Her new thing is to smile really big and act all friendly in front of the kids and other people. So, occasionally she’ll send a nice message like “Grateful and thankful for our beautiful family!” Other messages will be tinged with guilt or a passive-aggressive slight: “Shabbat Shalom! We miss everyone!” Other times she ignores the messages.

Today is my niece’s birthday, so I sent a birthday cake gif and happy birthday message. My niece replied, thanking me, saying she loves everyone so much, etc. I responded with another friendly message. No one else commented. Then I looked at the last “Happy Hanukkah” message I sent, and no one except one of my kids commented there either. These people are weird.

So…clearly I’ve done something wrong. Does my MIL think the group chat will take the place of a direct phone call to my niece? Because we’ll still FaceTime her. She’s coming to town tomorrow so we’ll all get to celebrate. Does my MIL not like the group chat because I started it and I’m the one who generally shares nice messages on there? Does she not acknowledge it because she doesn’t want it to be a thing, because I’m the one behind it and keeping it going? That’s probably a big part of it. Once again we can’t have nice things because of MIL’s jealousy.

Anyway, I don’t actually care. I am SO LIBERATED this year. I’m letting my Christmas flag fly all over the place. For years they all told me I couldn’t have a wreath. They said wreaths were religious. (I don’t actually think that’s true…wreaths have existed in all cultures for millennia.) Even if they are religious, I. Don’t. Care. Because I am a Christian and my MIL does not get to take that away from me. This year I went to a wreath making class and posted about it and put a YUGE wreath on my door, and I. Do. Not. Care. I love my huge wreath that I made that is too big for my door. Anyone who doesn’t like my wreath is entitled to his or her opinion, but I. Do. Not. Care.

My house looks like Santa’s enchanted workshop, and I LOVE it. Even my husband is into it this year—can you all believe that? He’s enjoying the pretty, sparkly break from world events, so between all the parties and shopping and basketball games and everything else, it’s all about snuggling by the Christmas tree and watching Hallmark movies. If y’all know him, you know what huge progress that is for him. It’s more proof of my ultimate victory over my MIL. I’m enjoying it for what it is, not because it signifies she’s been beaten, but because it’s so nice and fun. She’s just a mean sad villain, lurking in the shadows trying to ruin the fun, but she can’t. I’m still going to send funny memes and nice messages to the group chat, and I’m still going to snuggle with her son by our Christmas tree, and there is absolutely nothing she can do to stop it.