Twinkle: I Actually Need to Slow My Roll

 Ok So I did say I didn’t care earlier. But some part of me does care. 

When we all went to the Seder tonight, my FIL started by thanking everyone who had helped. “Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOO much, Fun Sink for making all this happen…Thank you to [SIL}…Thank you you cousin Lori…and everyone who helped…” And it was SO GALLING, because I wasn’t invited or allowed to help. I wanted to help. I would have. I have offered every year for 17+ years, only to be turned down. It’s very hurtful and it’s hard to keep my mouth shut around sympathetic family members who are kind to me. It’s not their fault because they’re not in charge, and on some level I want to let them know how awful she is to me.

At the end of the night, they cleared all the tables, putting all the plates and cups in the trash (because everything was disposable because the whole thing is tacky AF). Then, everyone was helping set the tables for tomorrow. I couldn’t help it. I said, “Oh wow! It’s the first time in 17 years of marriage I’ve actually been allowed to help! It’s a Passover miracle.” I think being fresh out of FKs and also being over it all is a bad combination, and at the end of the day it isn’t a good look for me. I want to seem kind and gracious. I want to BE kind and gracious, but this also hurts. A lot.

When I was talking to my father on the phone tonight, he listened to me. He asked me what’s going to happen to this Seder meal when MIL gets too old to run it, and the answer is it will fall to me. And I told him I hope she’s alive to see it: me, letting everyone help; making everything pretty; being in charge of the whole thing without her help. Her having to swallow that. Maybe that will be the ultimate revenge for years of being belittled, cut out, and ignored.

But I’ve been working on some things, and I really don’t want to be about revenge. I want to be about kindness and forgiveness. I’m trying hard on that. She makes it really hard. Sometimes I truly believe she is the most difficult person I have ever encountered, and God put her in my life—with no way of getting rid of her—to make me a better person. 

So the point is, being a better person means that, no matter what I want to say when she finally lets me set a table, I need to be gracious and STFU about it. It’s not a good look, and probably makes people feel awkward. I think I just want to connect with people and let them know how bad she makes me feel, but I need to tone it down. If I want people on my side, the best strategy is to be pleasant and loving to all. I should be anyway—and include her in “all”—but it’s really hard to be that way when MIL is there judging everything—which is the biggest reason why I should not let her get to me in the first place.