This week I was annoyed by a classic Fun Sink move, and I have to record it here because Fun Sink just does not know how to play the long game. The long game here is having her children (and, in this case) grandchildren, want to spend time with her, have conversations with her, and generally let her into their lives. Incidentally, I am already playing this long game with my own children. I’m pleasant to talk to. I don’t judge every little thing they do. I’m able to laugh at irreverent things with them, because one day they will leave and live their lives, and winning the long game means that they’ll choose to come back and be around me sometimes. Fun Sink missed this memo.
Every summer, my husband speaks at this conference in Lexington, and I always go with him, stay at the hotel, and attend a dinner for spouses. Our kids usually spend this night with Fun Sink and FIL. Fun Sink planned some nice activities for them, and I was glad they got the grandparent time, because, contrary to what Fun Sink thinks of me, I’m not an evil witch who hates family.
When I got home, Middle and Youngest filled me in on the events of the past two days. They said that Fun Sink found Eldest’s Instagram burner account and requested to be added. Eldest added her, and then Fun Sink went through all the posts, and found one about our Christmas tree. While Eldest was out practicing driving and Youngest was in the shower, she confronted Middle about it. She pulled up the post and said, “Is this your house? Do you have a Christmas tree?”
Middle felt really awkward about it and didn’t know what to say. She said, “I don’t know.” When Youngest got out of the shower, Fun Sink said, “Do you have a Christmas tree?” Youngest said, “Oh—I’ve got to go. I left something in the other room.” I haven’t asked Eldest about it. She sometimes gets dodgy when I criticize Fun Sink, so I tread lightly. (See above paragraph about the long game.)
I told them, in the future, just to own it. She knows about it. There’s no reason to deny it. Also, it’s not a crime to have a Christmas tree.
I was furious that she cornered my children and asked them about our Christmas tree. It’s the middle of July, for one thing. Also, she already knows we have a Christmas tree (we actually have one in every room). She has known for at least a year and a half, and probably longer. For her to take this opportunity to corner my children about it, at this moment, is just weird. How manipulative of her, to act like she didn’t know about it when she has known for years. Also, it’s not really their fault that they have a Christmas tree. I’m the one who made that call. Why make them feel bad about something they have no control over?
And I don’t understand her endgame.
First of all, Eldest trusted her enough to add her to the burner account. When a teen lets you in on something like that, you don’t make waves. You don’t go around “liking” every post and making it weird; you sort of want them to forget you have access to it, so you can get some insight into their lives. You certainly don’t bring up something you saw that you disapprove of and talk to the whole family about it. It’s a huge breach of trust. It’s a great way to get yourself banned. It’s a great way to inspire a spinoff burner account to the original burner account. Have some common sense, Madam.
Second of all, does she ever want her grandchildren to be comfortable being alone in a room with her? Because cornering and confronting them about this is a great way to get them to leave the room next time they find themselves in that situation. I guarantee you it won’t take too many times until they learn to get up and leave the room before she has a chance to bring up something she disapproves of. If the goal here is to get her grandchildren to avoid being in a room alone with her, she is crushing it.
Third of all, is this really who Fun Sink wants to be? The grandmother who gets mad and judgy about our [checks notes] Christmas tree? I’ve got news for her: my kids like our Christmas trees, every last one of them. They like gingerbread houses and Hallmark movies and Christmas carols. They like Christmas parties, and red plaid dresses, and jingle bells, and ice skating, and Christmas shopping, and peppermint lattes, and parties with the fun, normal, happy, judgment-free side of their family, and matching family pajamas on Christmas Eve, and ALL OF IT, OK Fun Sink? One of these days they’re even going to like coming to church with me on Christmas Eve, and no amount of judgmental disapproval from her is going to change that.
Imagine trying to take Christmas away, and believing you have that power. Her presumption that she could make them feel bad about it, like having a Christmas tree is somehow wrong, or something to hide, is just infuriating. The fact that she thinks she has that kind of power over them is laughable, actually, and so that’s what we did. We rolled our eyes and we laughed. “That is soooo Fun Sink. Classic.” And we moved on five minutes later and we didn’t give it another thought.
The tragedy for her is that, by being so nasty and controlling, she has rendered herself irrelevant. If she were a sweet grandmother, who accepted people for who they are and showed love freely to everyone, we might actually care what she thought about the Christmas trees. We might feel bad, because we wouldn’t want to hurt her. Instead, we just laugh and move past it, because she’s mean. This is another line item on the long list of things she disapproves of. She’ll never be happy even when we’re all doing what she wants, so why worry what she thinks about any of it?
She will never see that disapproving of everything and manipulating people only damages her relationships. She has already ruined her relationships with my brother-in-law and with me. Her children tolerate her because they have to. This sort of manipulative behavior will drive her grandchildren away. They will do whatever they want, and they’ll either learn how to hide it from her (Eldest and Middle), or they’ll parade it around in her face (Youngest). That’s the crux of it: people are free to make their own choices in life. The best I can do for my kids, as their mother, is to help them know right from wrong and try to make good choices for themselves. Having a Christmas tree is not a right vs. wrong choice. Where Fun Sink went wrong was losing the ability to be happy when people make choices she doesn’t like. That’s why she’ll never be happy.
Good luck fighting against the Christmas Industrial Complex, Fun Sink. I wish her well, but I know it is a fool’s errand, because my girls love Christmas and she’ll never take it away from them. She might lose their trust if she keeps trying.
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