No Thanks-Giving: Dibbs

As a warning, Julep, you've heard every bit of this. Feel free to skip.

I knew things were awry when my abstaining Southern Baptist mother called and told me to stop at the liquor store. Boy Cousin had a change of plans and decided to bring his new girlfriend--and her two-year-old--to our house for lunch. Funny, Breeder's Cup weekend he wanted me to fix him up with a friend. I'm ever-so-glad he found love, as none of my friends are interested in riding four-wheelers on his farm. I guess true love knows no time. But I digress...

After a 30-minute wait in the rain for Dutch Apple Caramel Pie and two wrecks on the interstate, the liquor and I were home. Crazy Girl Cousin I awaited. I heard, "So they're dating..."

"Who's dating?" I wondered aloud, emerging from the loo. Four hours, don't forget.

"Crazy Girl Cousin II and Hot Guy From High School," my mother answered, tentatively.

"Shit," I replied, and made a cocktail. Yes, I was on my way to a high school basketball scrimmage for Golden Child. All white trash mores have been violated in our family by now. Who cares?

Not a week before, Hot Guy From High School had joined Facebook and made his friend requests. On Friday, he went on a date with Crazy Cousin II, fresh from the psychiatric hospital and faux paralysis (more on that later.) On Monday, he moved in. Apparently, he "sold his business" in Knoxville and moved home to his mother's house in our hometown. Sure. That's what we all say when we're fired or bankrupt.

Crazy Cousin I was not to tell of this to my mother or to me, as I had a major crush on Hot Guy twenty years ago. Yes, what I want is an unemployed Hot Guy taking up room and finances in my house. Bring it.

Cue Thursday: Drinking starts at 11:00. Because it can.

Boy Cousin pulls in the driveway. I spy the new girlfriend. She has: wet, curly red hair hanging stringily to her chin. She has crooked yellow teeth. She wears brown K-mart Uggs. I warn my dad, "Boy Cousin's girlfriend. Get ready." This becomes a joke. If your girlfriend comes with a warning...

Her baby is asleep. We let him sleep in a back bedroom. Baby Shagari arrives, bearing Chicken Pox and energy. Not to be outdone, scary girlfriend goes to wake her baby. (So he can catch Chicken Pox? I still don't get it.) He never wakes, even when Baby Shagari shrieks. She says he has ADHD. Nope.

Boy Cousin says, "Dibbs, there she is." Well, yes, she sure is sweet... She asks about every dish. "What's this?" Broccoli casserole. "What's this?" Macaroni and cheese. I drink wine from a football game cup so as not to be caught in the act.

My father summed it up, "Boy Cousin didn't have to run very fast to catch her."

Friday: Playa Brother brings home a girl. She goes to his room. She never comes out. Never. Not to eat. Not to go to the bathroom. Not to shower. Nothing. I guess she peed in a cup? Two days...

Baby Shagari went in once, but he can't talk. He came back with jellybeans. We don't know anything else.

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all.