Julep: Marriage as negotiation

So y'all know that Mr. J typically spends a good portion of his summer in other parts of the country, sailing. This is both for fun and as what we attorneys call "business development" - meaning, nobody is paying him to do this, but he makes connections and builds relationships with people who are either his customers or his suppliers. Mr. J has said for the past few years that he was trying to squeeze in as much big-water sailing as he could because he knew he'd have to cut back once children came along. Well and good.

This summer, of course, is our first as parents.  Mr. J took his first sailing trip of the summer last weekend. We put all of his anticipated trips on the calendar several months back, and now I'm looking down the barrel of the next two months. Starting with last weekend, it looks like this: wk 1 - gone, wk 2 - home, wk 3 - home, wk 4- gone, wk 5 - together (but we are all three going on vacation with Mr. J's parents and sister, and based on past experience it won't be all that relaxing), wk 6 - home, wk 7 - gone (he's in town, but busy all weekend and won't be at the house much if at all), wk 8 - gone, wk 9 - home, wk 10 - gone. If you're counting, that means I am on my own for five out of ten consecutive weeks.

When we talked about his summer schedule, I didn't commit to the entire summer: I said we'd have to take it one trip at a time. I reminded Mr. J as much last night - not that he needed to start cancelling things, but I wanted him to know that I am exhausted this week after heading back to the office after four days on my own with Babycakes and the still-not-independently-walking Brown Dog. He said, "Well,  on the weekends I'm gone, we'll have to line up a sitter for a few hours so you can go get a pedicure or something." I said, "A few hours of baby-sitting is really not the same as having two parents around for the weekend." He got pissy. I don't know what I was hoping for.

When issues come up in our marriage, I try to think about how to get both of us what we need, and develop a reasonable compromise. But that just ends up with me getting screwed, because Mr. J takes that compromise position as his starting point to demand concessions. I'm President Obama and he's the House GOP.

If I negotiated at home like I do at the office, I would take a hard line from the beginning: hell no, you can't take any trips at all, now that we are parents you need to be at home all the time. Then he can beg and plead for one or two trips a year, and I will make him pay every time in blood, sweat, and tears. But I don't want to be that person in my home life. Ergo, I get the short end of the stick and bags under my eyes that could pack for a transatlantic cruise.