Twinkle: Always Starting Out Behind the 8-Ball With These People

And the 8-ball is you, Mr. Twinkle.

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What's that you say? My father-in-law's going vegan? And Fun Sink's out of town, so he needs a hot meal? No problem--I make delicious and healthy vegan meals all the time, and I can make something so wholesome and hearty he won't even miss the meat. It'll stick to his ribs and warm him up on a cold winter night, and he'll leave singing my praises and wondering why Fun Sink can't cook a vegan meal as well as I can.

This is a man who loves his steak and potatoes. In the past, he has made fun of my SIL and her husband, and how strict they are with Sophie's food, and how annoying their eating habits are, and how all the foods they prepare at their house suck. Which they do. And I am so the opposite of that--I really try to make healthy meals that don't suck, but are actually pleasurable. I should have known better than to try to create pleasure for any of these martyrs. I should have known it would backfire.

At 8 a.m. I get to work peeling 5 lbs. of potatoes, which will be the crowning glory of a delicious meatless shepherd's pie, complete with various root vegetables and mushrooms. I chop and sauté all day. I put vegetable broth and a little red wine in a jar with arrowroot powder and shake. There are a lot of vegetables in there, and I know my FIL hates vegetables, so I throw in a little cooked pasta to bulk it up. There's a suggestion about serving the recipe with a vegan gravy. I make vegan gravy, and that b*tch tastes exactly like real gravy, only better because I knew it wasn't filled with flour and grease.

5:45: the vegan shepherd's pie comes out of the oven, and the vegan gravy has been strained into a gravy boat. We sit down to dinner. No one touches the vegan gravy but me. (Turns out Jews aren't gravy people. They never know what's in it. Although, since this was a vegan gravy, they should have been confident that it was safe for them).

Come to find out FIL's not only a vegan, but also a nutritarian. This means he doesn't eat pasta or potatoes because they don't have the maximum nutritive value per calorie, so basically I made the wrong dinner. I tried to give him a hearty vegan alternative to a salad (which he hates and makes fun of), to prove to him that vegan meals don't have to be cold and boring and a convenient outlet for everyone's martyr complex, but he actually wanted a salad all along. (Actually, I served a salad, too). The worst part is that Mr. Twinkle knew this but failed to mention it. He thought he told me--not just vegan, nutritarian. I think I would have remembered that. I even told Mr. Twinkle I was making shepherd's pie--it would have been nice if he'd told me his father is currently off potatoes.

Also, y'all know Twinklette likes to throw me under the bus every chance she gets. I made her some buttered noodles for dinner, because...1). I was busy with the shepherd's pie all day, 2). I did not want to have a battle at the dinner table during a nice meal, so I gave myself a break tonight. She starts going on and on about how she loves buttered noodles and she doesn't have enough butter and she needs more butter and double the butter, please, and mommy I need more butter on these noodles. FIL goes, "Is that what she has for dinner every night?" No, for f*ck's sake, it is not, and I'm sorry I was so busy making the wrong thing for your dinner that I did not have time to prepare a lean protein and kid-friendly fruit salad for Twinklette. Is that what she has for dinner every night? Can you imagine?

Now, I like my FIL, and I wish he would have a little more confidence in me about what I feed my child. I know he didn't mean it b*tchy, but there's so much emotional baggage caught up with food in that family. The fact is that most nights I try to make her a healthy meal that she will actually eat, and on this particular night I was trying to make him a healthy meal that he would actually enjoy. But how can I ever get anything right when I don't have all the information? The worst part is knowing he actually would have preferred being up there with Fun Sink and my SIL, picking at a plate of raw spinach and unflavored quinoa, instead of enjoying a meal that is healthy and also delicious, and one that I worked very hard on for him. I wanted to win him over, but I can't do that as long as I'm uninformed.

I feel like I wasted a chance to win over someone who is usually squarely in my corner, and I would have liked to have given him a meal that was actually on his diet. I can't be expected to follow dietary restrictions that I know nothing about; it would have been nice to have been informed.

Still, he did ask for seconds.