My mom visited today, and as usual it was a super-pleasant time.
I actually invited her, because I was trying to reach out and treat her like a normal person. Whenever I expect that of her--just simple normal person behavior--she just can't seem to rise to the occasion.
The trouble started at lunch, when we got to a restaurant and AM wanted to eat outside. I said OK (because I'm a nice mom! yay!), but my mom looked like she didn't want to do that. She actually looked panicked over it, and she said, "Right in the sun?" and "There are lots of tables inside." So I was like, "OK--we're not going to eat at this table because everyone is not on board with that idea, so let's just find a nice table inside."
AM, stubborn on a good day and overtired at this particular moment from a busy week, burst into tears and would. not. stop. My mom immediately changed gears and was like, "It's ok. Let's eat outside. Can we please eat outside? I WANT to eat outside..." and I was like, "No, just give her a minute; she'll get over it." My mom WOULD NOT DROP IT, and AM would not stop crying (she's not stupid; she knows how to get her way with my mom), and it just went on and on and fucking on, with my mom begging to eat outside and AM sobbing at the table, and me trying to minimize it, stick by the decision, and move on with the day. All in front of the booming lunch scene at [Casual French Restaurant in NuLu], where I knew several people. Super fun.
My mom also charmingly interspersed her pleading with accusatory statements that I'm inflexible as a mother and always have to get my way or else. And right when AM settled down and started to move on, my mother brought it right back up and APOLOGIZED to her. This prolonged the drama and the tears.
Here's why it's all SO fucked up:
1). There are five people in our immediate family, and we are constantly having to agree on everything: which movie to watch, where to go get ice cream, whether to swim in the baby pool or big pool. It never stops, and invariably at any given moment, someone is not getting her way and is unhappy about it. In those times (which occur many, many times throughout the day), the best thing to do is just let the person be mad about it, forge ahead, and hope she gets over it and eventually has fun. We cannot constantly cave to whoever's crying. It's also a good lesson: sometimes you have to roll with the group even if you disagree with the plan.
2). I'm trying to raise my children to be nice, kind people, and sometimes to put other people's wishes or comfort above their own. This was a perfect chance for my daughter to learn that maybe just because SHE wants to eat outside in the 100-degree heat, maybe her 67-year-old grandmother does not. Maybe some else's comfort is more important than her wishes. I tried to be kind to her and comfort her; I promised her that we'd go back and eat outside one day next week, but I wasn't going to give in. I don't think that makes me inflexible, I think it makes me thoughtful of my own mother's needs and comfort.
3). If anyone should have been apologizing for how it all went down, it should have been AM. My mom is an adult and is entitled to make kids eat lunch at a table not of their choosing. An apology only served to undermine her authority (which is pretty much non-existant with the kids) and mine.
4). When I was that age, if I had wanted to eat outside in the 100-degree heat, my parents' answer would have been "no" and that would have been the end of it, and they certainly would not have tolerated a damn hissy fit.
One of my biggest problems with my mom is her inability to let me be the mom. She is constantly trying to negotiate after I make the smallest of decisions on something (like whether to eat inside or outside). And then when I don't want to negotiate with her about it, she acts like I'm a rigid dictator. The problem is that someone in this family has to be the boss, and it can't be the kids, and that leaves me. It does't make me mean or rigid or inflexible--in fact proof of my flexibility could be seen when I was all "Sure--let's eat outside; oh wait--someone seems not OK with that plan so let's reevaluate the plan so that we're all comfortable." But when she comes to town and undermines my authority, it's just a miserable experience.
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Just now she came back to the house after leaving, to inform us that the My Little Pony dolls the girls want from Target are sold out for the next two weeks. E is an emotional wreck most of the time, and news like that could shatter her, so I asked my mom not to mention it as E was happy at the moment.
Me: Please don't tell them that. E is happy right now and that's going to make her start crying.
My mom: Well, I don't want her to expect to get the doll the next time she sees me.
(Aside: I can totally address the issue with E between now and then, and E will cry, and I'll deal with it. I was just asking her not to go there right that second, because it was a brief moment of peace and I was enjoying it).
Me: Fine, go ahead and tell her, and she'll throw a fit.
My mom: No, it's fine. I'll go along with what you want. I ALWAYS DO.
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I mean, it is just fucking exhausting. I invite her here to have a good day and she acts like I'm an inflexible bitch for making my kids eat inside so that she can keep cool. And then I ask her not to make one of my kids cry so that the brief moment of peace can continue, and she acts like I'm a bitch about that, too. She doesn't help when she's here. She causes more trouble and drama. It's like having a fourth child. I want to be a good daughter and to invite her to do things, but she can't just roll with the plan if even one person is upset. Why do I want to invite her when it's like this? But if I don't invite her to do things she gets her feelings hurt. If she could just be normal and HELP ME (or even just sit quietly while I parent), instead of inserting herself and making everything that much harder. Say what you will about my mother-in-law, but at least she HELPS me, and she never undermines my authority (and actually has lots of authority of her own over the kids, something my mom has never had and never will because she caves to the smallest hissy fit).
Sorry this is so long. I am so frustrated. I don't think I'm a bad person, or a bad daughter, or a bad mother. I'm afraid my mother thinks I'm all of the above, and it hurts. On some level I know she's mentally ill and I just have to accept that as part of who she is and love her anyway, and that is the hardest part.
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