Twinkle: Fun Sink Vignettes During the Past Few Months

The last few months have brought a breast cancer diagnosis, a double mastectomy, and chemo for me, and I have kept Fun Sink at arm’s length even more than usual, to protect my peace. I haven’t allowed her to take up space in my head for a long time, and I especially won’t let her now, because I don’t need her negativity. I think she cares, sort of, in her own way, that I haven’t felt well and have had a hard time, but she still can’t stop herself from being a mean, judgy old hag most of the time. 

Here are some Fun Sink vignettes over the past few months, for posterity’s sake:

Ole Miss: 

Early in the fall, before my surgery, we did a few college visits for Eldest. We looked at Sewanee, Georgia, Emory, and Ole Miss. She liked some more than others, but nothing really stood out. Middle, however, LOVED Ole Miss. We did the big tailgating thing and went to a game, and we toured the dorms and saw how cute they’re decorated. Some hometown friends, and our Memphis cousins, joined us, and it was really fun. Middle loved all of it, including the precious town of Oxford and all the adorable little shops. She really felt that she fit there, and says she wants to go. She’s in 8th grade, so it could still change, but she really liked it and it’s fun to talk about her going there. 

Fun Sink did not join us on our trip to Memphis and Oxford. She had planned a couples’ weekend, which turned into a girls’ weekend when one of the husbands turned out to be a Trump supporter and Fun Sink and the other wives couldn’t be around someone they disagreed with. We discussed this at my SIL’s vegan Shabbat dinner that weekend. My FIL told the story as if Fun Sink was such a badass for not being able to be around a longtime friend that she disagrees with politically. Everyone around the table was like, “Isn’t it TERRIBLE that that man let politics get in the way of friendship?” It sounded to me like it was Fun Sink and her group of judgy old biddies who let politics get in the way, and kicked out the husband with the offending opinions (and all the other husbands, too, because the one husband didn’t believe the right way for Fun Sink). These are people they travel with internationally every year and have been friends with forever; not sure how this bodes for future trips. Anyway, it seemed to me it was on Fun Sink, not on the person who was kicked out for his dissenting beliefs, and I actually didn’t think it was so hilarious and badass of her. I thought it pretty much showed Fun Sink’s textbook intolerance and belief that she knows better than everyone else, and she should be able to tell everyone what to believe.

So anyway, Fun Sink wasn’t part of the college tour or football game. She didn’t experience Oxford, or the fabulous game day at Ole Miss.

Meanwhile, Middle really is committed to the idea of going there, and she’s excited about it. At Thanksgiving, someone asked us about the college visits, and Middle said she wants to go to Ole Miss. Fun Sink immediately dismissed her and said, “No. You’re not going there.” Fun Sink thinks there aren’t enough Jews there, and she actually thinks SHE has the authority to tell Middle “no” about any life choice that is up to OUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY AND NO ONE ELSE to make. Fun Sink told Middle no! About where she wants to go to college!

I was really upset about it at the time, because it’s fun to talk about Ole Miss with Middle. I didn’t want Fun Sink to be able to take that away. I didn’t want her to divide the family on this issue that is five years away and may or may not even happen. Now, we can’t joke about Ole Miss in front of Fun Sink, because she has said “no,” and we all know where she stands so now it has to be a taboo subject. Fun Sink made it taboo. As I said, we’re five years out from this. It doesn’t mean she has to go there, but it’s a fun thing to talk about. It was fun to give her an Ole Miss sweater and some other swag for Christmas. How dare Fun Sink try to take away the fun of talking about it by saying “no, you’re not going there”? How dare Fun Sink crush my child’s dreams? Who does she think she is? Middle can go wherever she wants, but now Fun Sink has made it a competition, and turned a Middle’s life decision into another way to disappoint her, or make her happy, depending on the choice. To that, I say no. Fun Sink’s guilt train over people’s life choices stops here. 

I knew the next way Fun Sink would try to exert control would be through the college selection process. I just didn’t expect Middle to have the controversial choice as an 8th grader. Not sure where Eldest will end up, but I’m sure Fun Sink has thoughts…and she can stuff them where the sun doesn’t shine.

Mama Mia:

Fun Sink took the girls to see Mama Mia, and she took them to lunch first. Somehow Fun Sink has friends…I don’t know how they tolerate her, and I’m actually baffled by who would choose to hang out with her in their spare time, but anyway she has the girlfriends she travels with who kicked out the Trump supporting husband, and she also has a group of retired teachers she hangs out with…some of whom are actually nice. I don’t understand. The teachers are who she has Broadway Series tickets with, and they were the ones at this lunch before the show.

At lunch, Eldest told the story of how, when she was in 8th grade, there was a regular substitute teacher named Mrs. S, who she had a run-in with. Eldest got tickled and couldn’t stop laughing in class. Mrs. S asked her if she needed to go into the hallway to collect herself, but she didn’t really mean it or want Eldest to go into the hallway, but Eldest took the opportunity to go into the hallway anyway. I think that’s the story: a classic tale of a teenage girl giggling too much and a substitute being annoyed. It’s a tale as old as time. 

Well…Fun Sink was APPALLED that one of her grandchildren would act this way. She said, “I don’t know WHERE these girls GET THIS BEHAVIOR, but it is DEFINITELY not from MY SIDE. Scott would NEVER act that way in class. I just don’t know where this comes from.” 

Hmmmm…where could it possibly come from? I think we all know the implication here. Props to Youngest for rushing home to tell me this story, and being appropriately outraged. Fun Sink and family have NEVER said my kids looked like or acted like me, unless they want to attribute something bad to me. Well, I’ll take it. I don’t mind being the one contributing a little bit of mischief and insouciance to their boring ass gene pool. You’re welcome, Fun Sink. Also, I know you don’t want to admit it, but THEY LOOK LIKE ME, TOO.

Chemo:

So, as y’all know, the chemo isn’t terrible. It’s only four rounds of preventative chemo. I’ve got three behind me. I’m wearing a cold cap to preserve some hair. It could be A LOT worse. 

Also, the chemo sucks. There are days when I lie there and don’t want to move. There are days when answering a text feels like too much. I’ve missed Christmas parties and fun times with friends because I feel bad, or because I have to stay out of crowds to protect my immune system so I don’t go to the hospital. I ended up there once and don’t want to go back. It CRUSHES me to miss out on fun with my friends. I know I’m not a lot of fun to my kids right now on their Christmas break. I did make Christmas happen…barely. I had a treatment on the 23rd and pushed through Christmas, then crashed yesterday.

I’m not sure Fun Sink understands any of this.

Most people, when I say I can’t come to something, understand. They don’t ask questions or say, “but…but…but…” Fun Sink, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to get it. 

She wanted to plan a Hanukkah party for the 26th. I knew it would be a bad day for me because of the treatment on the 23rd. The bad days kick in a couple of days later. This is my third round; I know the drill by now. I’ll need to rest and do nothing for a few days, I’ll turn a corner over the weekend and be able to function halfway, but I still won’t feel great into next week. So when she said, “Let’s celebrate Hanukkah on the 26th,” I told her Scott and the kids can go, but I probably won’t feel like it. She said, “I really want you to be there. We’ll do the 27th, then.” 

She didn’t bother to ask if the 27th was any better for me; she just planned it for the 27th (today), but I’m not going. She can plan whatever she wants, but I DO NOT FEEL WELL. I also don’t actually give a shit about Hanukkah. I made the Christmas magic happen and almost killed myself doing it. Now I’m resting, and most people understand that. I guess maybe she saw me smiling and faking it through Thanksgiving, so she assumes I’m just fine and it’s not a big deal, but it IS, actually, a big deal. If she had ever bothered to get to know me, she’d know that of course I’m going to fake it and smile my way through and say everything’s OK. How does she not know this about me after 18 years of being married to her son? My family manages to know it and see it. My cousin threw a Christmas PJ party at his new house yesterday, and when I declined the invitation, guess what: everyone understood. He saw me faking it through Christmas Eve, and he believed me when I told him the crash was coming. There were no questions, there was no no “but…but…but…”, there were no attempts to change the party to the next day, or make me feel bad for not being able to go.

Of course I don’t really even want to go to the party. It just feels like she doesn’t understand how hard this is; she doesn’t get that it’s not business as usual. I do know that I can’t expect people to know I really feel bad if I smile and fake my way through it. I guess I sort of do expect close family members to know me that well, and to respect my answer and show some understanding that I might not be able to do everything I normally do right now. She’s the only one in my life who doesn’t seem to get it. She expects me to be totally normal and able to fulfill the usual obligations. Not this time, Fun Sink.

…

Also…this is a weird one, but also classic Fun Sink. Last week, at the Shabbat dinner I skipped, Fun Sink informed my husband that GiGi (his grandmother) doesn’t know about me doing chemo. Husband asked why not, and Fun Sink smugly said, “I didn’t think it was my place to tell her.”

This classic, smug Fun Sink response actually fills me with RAGE. I get it if they don’t want to tell Grandma because she’s 99 and she’ll worry or be upset, but HOW DARE Fun Sink put it on me, like it’s “my place” to tell the family, and not “her place.” If we’re not worrying Grandma, ok. Tell me that up front and I won’t tell her—although I generally disagree with keeping upsetting information from adult family members, because it’s incredibly patronizing. Still, Fun Sink could make the case for not worrying Grandma at age 99. If that’s the plan, TELL ME UP FRONT. Don’t wait until I’m six weeks into chemo and then whisper to my husband when I’m not around that Grandma doesn’t know anything about it because it’s not Fun Sink’s “place.” In a family that presumably loves each other, OF COURSE it’s the place of anybody who knows something to tell the other people who presumably love the person that the good or bad thing is happening to. It’s not gossip. It’s family.

Here’s how families work: if you talk to someone in the family, you tell them the good and bad news. This goes for joyful news, like new babies, or sad news, like cancer. It’s how families work. I’m not sure how my extended family found out about cancer and chemo, but I’m assuming my aunt told them, and I’m GRATEFUL to her for it, because telling people was actually the hardest part. Her telling the family was actually a MERCY to me, something Fun Sink would know nothing about. My aunt told them the bad news, and they were all able to reach out in their own ways to show they cared, because everyone had all the information and there were no secrets. There was no smug, patronizing, faux-humble, “well it’s really not my place to tell.”

I guess Grandma just thinks I’m a big baby who hasn’t gotten over the surgery I had on Oct 3, and that’s why I can’t come to anything anymore. 

Fun Sink has always gatekept information about people in the family. She would never tell about a pregnancy, or medical condition, a move, or other news, because it “wasn’t her place” and she is just a pious Jewish woman who does not gossip, according to the Law and the Prophets. I think this is her excuse, and really she is controlling who knows what information just like she tries to control everything else, but how dare she do it under the guise of it “not being her place”? She wants to be the one controlling and disseminating the information. Nothing passes to the rest of the family that doesn’t go through her first, and she’s the one who determines if it’s worth telling or if it will remain a secret kept by her. 

I think she doesn’t want Grandma to know because she’s doesn’t want to have to listen to Grandma worrying about me, or caring how I am. What if Grandma started feeling a little too sorry for me, and Fun Sink had to listen to it? I have to wonder what the rest of the family knows or doesn’t know about my treatment. She probably doesn’t want me getting too much attention or sympathy from this, so she tells herself it’s “not her place” to talk about it.

As if there has ever, in her whole life, been ANYTHING that she didn’t feel it was her place to comment on, have an opinion on, or meddle in. “Not my place” rings pretty hollow when you’re a nosy old busybody who wants to control every aspect of everyone’s lives, and you’re not happy unless everyone is listening to your advice, deferring to your opinions, practicing religion the way you think is best, eating exactly what you tell them to, going to college where you think they should, spacing the births of children out the way you did, and voting the way you say…but go ahead and keep telling yourself it’s “not your place” to share news within the family.

Christmas Salad.

Speaking of how normal families operate, my cousin Elizabeth texted me on Christmas Day. She was supposed to bring a green salad to our cousin Andy’s house, and she realized the lettuce she got had gone bad, and everyplace selling lettuce was closed. She wondered if I had any lettuce.

Now, I know we all know how super dysfunctional my family is, and how I wasn’t raised right, so I can’t help it…but can we all just pause for a moment to recognize how NORMAL this interaction is? A holiday emergency arises. A cousin reaches out for help. Another cousin checks her fridge and finds lettuce that isn’t horrible, and she brings that lettuce for her cousin. The cousin picks through the not-horrible lettuce for the green salad. There’s no judgement, no thinking less of anyone for the crime of their lettuce going bad, no reverse judgement that the not-horrible lettuce should have been fresher, or that we should all have fresh lettuce on hand at all times, and if not, we’re failures. Lettuce going bad on Christmas could happen to anyone. Families have each other’s backs. Christmas is saved!

Compare that to the dynamic in Fun Sink’s family. First of all, she won’t let anyone bring anything, so no one would be bringing a green salad except her. If she had the unfortunate experience of finding her lettuce to be bad, she would NEVER admit it. She would never ask for help. She would rather not serve a green salad than ask someone else for lettuce. She would rather pretend there was never going to be a salad in the first place, than admit her lettuce went bad and ask for help. 

She created this toxic atmosphere. When she’s too old to host, and there’s a new, benevolent matriarch in charge—and, make no mistake, that day is coming—it’s going to be a new era of democracy at the buffet table, and she’s going to HATE it. 

Twinkle: “The Disappointment of the Family”

The Tennessee cousins are in town this weekend, and we spent the morning at the new Puttshack. Now all the cousins are walking around the mall shopping for HoCo dresses for Cousin S and Eldest. 

Mr. Twinkle and I were the ones who planned this outing, so we arrived at Puttshack a little early to get everyone checked in. Since Eldest can drive now, she brought a carload of sisters a few minutes later, and they were naturally the last to arrive. Cousin S said, “It’s Ok that they’re a little late. My mom is already the disappointment of the family today. [Fun Sink] was annoyed because she didn’t get to [great grandma’s] house early enough this morning.” 

Ok. Disappointment of the family. Noted. At least it’s not me, for once.

We played our two 9-hole rounds, then headed to lunch at Chicken Salad Chick, where I completely forgot about the rule where you can’t mix chicken and cheese. Youngest was eating her PB&J and mac, and wanted to taste my chicken salad sandwich, so I handed it to her without even thinking. She liked it and asked for another bite, so I said she could keep half of the sandwich. It did not even register that she was eating mac and cheese. I just don’t think about these ridiculous rules anymore. Mr. Twinkle probably noticed but, mercifully, did not correct me. I didn’t even think about it until later when Fun Sink tried to share a bite of her sandwich with Cousin E, who had also eaten mac and would not take a bite, and it got awkward. He didn’t know what to do, because apparently they are really strict about these chicken and cheese rules. Fun Sink offered the bite. SIL immediately said “No,” but Fun Sink kept forcing it, saying, “He’s finished with his mac. He’s finished.” He was stuck between listening to his mom and not offending Fun Sink. It went back and forth like this, with Cousin S helpfully announcing that they don’t mix chicken and cheese, and finally Mr. Twinkle said to his mother, “I think they have slightly different rules than we do.” At which point she finally dropped it after pushing hard for him to take the bite. Another case of her thinking she knows what’s best, and wanting to enforce her specific rules on everyone else. SIL’s family is mostly vegan, so this issue rarely comes up. It’s a weird feeling, to be on the side of the vegans, but I have to defer to the actual mother about dietary rules. If SIL said no, the answer is no. Fun Sink is NOT THEIR MOM.

At lunch, the cousins were talking about all their activities. Cousin S was talking about how her mom, her dad, and her brother all like to play sports, but she’s a dancer. She said her mom wanted her to be a softball player, but she’s a dancer and therefore the “disappointment of the family.” I was like, “There are no disappointments in this family.” She was laughing, but she went on to say that her mother was a softball player, but Fun Sink wanted her to be a dancer, so they’re both the disappointments of their families. Then they fist-bumped. I reiterated, “There are no disappointments in this family; every person is a valued member, with his or her own strengths and interests,” but I knew it was really just adding to the joke, because I know Fun Sink doesn’t value me at all, and she assigns value based on how much each person is or isn’t living up to her standards. Apparently I’m not the only one who she makes feel like a disappointment. She does it so much that SIL’s family has actually turned it into a joke.

The evolution of the phrase “disappointment of the family” isn’t hard to discern. Fun Sink has that effect on people: she makes you feel like a loser and a failure, and like your interests are dumb. She doesn’t ask follow up questions about interests or beliefs, and when anyone falls short, she lets them know it. My theory is that it has become a joke in their family, because Fun Sink is perpetually disappointed in everyone all the time, so they choose to laugh about it. It’s the only way to neutralize Fun Sink: not caring about what she thinks, and turning minor family inconveniences into a joke. Late walking out the door? Disappointment of the family. Forgot to run the dishwasher? Disappointment of the family. Didn’t pack your baseball uniform/ballet slippers? D of the F. 

Mr. Twinkle and I are headed to the UK game, and the girls are going shopping with Fun Sink. Cousin S said, “Aunt Twinkle…you have to help me with [Fun Sink]. You have to have my back and help her see that backless HoCo dresses aren’t immodest.” I love that girl so much. I said, “S, I always have you back about everything!” But unfortunately I’m missing the shopping excursion, and if Fun Sink has her way, Cousin S will show up at HoCo looking like a Jewish Laura Ingalls Wilder. I’ll be the one purchasing Eldest’s HoCo dress, so Fun Sink can suck it where that is concerned. I honestly believe Fun Sink goes on these shopping trips with them so she can control what they wear. I would never want any of them to wear something slutty, but I’ll be the judge of what’s appropriate on my own children, thank you very much, Fun Sink. We all know who the real D of the F is, and the joke’s on Fun Sink, because not caring what she thinks has freed me.

Fun Sink Is A Joyless Old Hag: Christmas In July Edition

Fun Sink is still mean and manipulative, but she lost a lot of her power over me the day I realized she’s never going to like me, and I stopped caring about it. Now I know all her tricks, so I can laugh about them while still being annoyed by them. She’s always going to be a mean, unpleasant, manipulative, nasty person, but she has been rendered mostly powerless.

This week I was annoyed by a classic Fun Sink move, and I have to record it here because Fun Sink just does not know how to play the long game. The long game here is having her children (and, in this case) grandchildren, want to spend time with her, have conversations with her, and generally let her into their lives. Incidentally, I am already playing this long game with my own children. I’m pleasant to talk to. I don’t judge every little thing they do. I’m able to laugh at irreverent things with them, because one day they will leave and live their lives, and winning the long game means that they’ll choose to come back and be around me sometimes. Fun Sink missed this memo.

Every summer, my husband speaks at this conference in Lexington, and I always go with him, stay at the hotel, and attend a dinner for spouses. Our kids usually spend this night with Fun Sink and FIL. Fun Sink planned some nice activities for them, and I was glad they got the grandparent time, because, contrary to what Fun Sink thinks of me, I’m not an evil witch who hates family. 

When I got home, Middle and Youngest filled me in on the events of the past two days. They said that Fun Sink found Eldest’s Instagram burner account and requested to be added. Eldest added her, and then Fun Sink went through all the posts, and found one about our Christmas tree. While Eldest was out practicing driving and Youngest was in the shower, she confronted Middle about it. She pulled up the post and said, “Is this your house? Do you have a Christmas tree?”

Middle felt really awkward about it and didn’t know what to say. She said, “I don’t know.” When Youngest got out of the shower, Fun Sink said, “Do you have a Christmas tree?” Youngest said, “Oh—I’ve got to go. I left something in the other room.” I haven’t asked Eldest about it. She sometimes gets dodgy when I criticize Fun Sink, so I tread lightly. (See above paragraph about the long game.)

I told them, in the future, just to own it. She knows about it. There’s no reason to deny it. Also, it’s not a crime to have a Christmas tree.

I was furious that she cornered my children and asked them about our Christmas tree. It’s the middle of July, for one thing. Also, she already knows we have a Christmas tree (we actually have one in every room). She has known for at least a year and a half, and probably longer. For her to take this opportunity to corner my children about it, at this moment, is just weird. How manipulative of her, to act like she didn’t know about it when she has known for years. Also, it’s not really their fault that they have a Christmas tree. I’m the one who made that call. Why make them feel bad about something they have no control over?

And I don’t understand her endgame. 

First of all, Eldest trusted her enough to add her to the burner account. When a teen lets you in on something like that, you don’t make waves. You don’t go around “liking” every post and making it weird; you sort of want them to forget you have access to it, so you can get some insight into their lives. You certainly don’t bring up something you saw that you disapprove of and talk to the whole family about it. It’s a huge breach of trust. It’s a great way to get yourself banned. It’s a great way to inspire a spinoff burner account to the original burner account. Have some common sense, Madam. 

Second of all, does she ever want her grandchildren to be comfortable being alone in a room with her? Because cornering and confronting them about this is a great way to get them to leave the room next time they find themselves in that situation. I guarantee you it won’t take too many times until they learn to get up and leave the room before she has a chance to bring up something she disapproves of. If the goal here is to get her grandchildren to avoid being in a room alone with her, she is crushing it. 

Third of all, is this really who Fun Sink wants to be? The grandmother who gets mad and judgy about our [checks notes] Christmas tree? I’ve got news for her: my kids like our Christmas trees, every last one of them. They like gingerbread houses and Hallmark movies and Christmas carols. They like Christmas parties, and red plaid dresses, and jingle bells, and ice skating, and Christmas shopping, and peppermint lattes, and parties with the fun, normal, happy, judgment-free side of their family, and matching family pajamas on Christmas Eve, and ALL OF IT, OK Fun Sink? One of these days they’re even going to like coming to church with me on Christmas Eve, and no amount of judgmental disapproval from her is going to change that. 

Imagine trying to take Christmas away, and believing you have that power. Her presumption that she could make them feel bad about it, like having a Christmas tree is somehow wrong, or something to hide, is just infuriating. The fact that she thinks she has that kind of power over them is laughable, actually, and so that’s what we did. We rolled our eyes and we laughed. “That is soooo Fun Sink. Classic.” And we moved on five minutes later and we didn’t give it another thought.

The tragedy for her is that, by being so nasty and controlling, she has rendered herself irrelevant. If she were a sweet grandmother, who accepted people for who they are and showed love freely to everyone, we might actually care what she thought about the Christmas trees. We might feel bad, because we wouldn’t want to hurt her. Instead, we just laugh and move past it, because she’s mean. This is another line item on the long list of things she disapproves of. She’ll never be happy even when we’re all doing what she wants, so why worry what she thinks about any of it?

She will never see that disapproving of everything and manipulating people only damages her relationships. She has already ruined her relationships with my brother-in-law and with me. Her children tolerate her because they have to. This sort of manipulative behavior will drive her grandchildren away. They will do whatever they want, and they’ll either learn how to hide it from her (Eldest and Middle), or they’ll parade it around in her face (Youngest). That’s the crux of it: people are free to make their own choices in life. The best I can do for my kids, as their mother, is to help them know right from wrong and try to make good choices for themselves. Having a Christmas tree is not a right vs. wrong choice. Where Fun Sink went wrong was losing the ability to be happy when people make choices she doesn’t like. That’s why she’ll never be happy. 

Good luck fighting against the Christmas Industrial Complex, Fun Sink. I wish her well, but I know it is a fool’s errand, because my girls love Christmas and she’ll never take it away from them. She might lose their trust if she keeps trying.

Julep: Mothers Day. Awesome.

Twinks, I can't turn away from a car crash ... I read that whole transcript. Fascinating. I couldn't help but hear Mr. Twinkle's part in his own voice. God bless that man. He has come so far from the days of the early 2000s when it comes to breaking away from the prefab person his parents intended for him to be. But the hooks are still there....

So how was Mothers Day brunch?

I got to spend the day at the track, along with - I swear to you - 50,000 other people. That's where J-Mama wanted to spend the day, so that is what we did. And normally I do enjoy the track, but not so much when it is a seething mass of humanity and we have to park 3/4 mile away from the only entrance that will take our tickets. Plus my sweet child the Bear is not fond of crowds, so in addition to navigating the sea of people I was also spending four hours managing the emotions of my overstimulated twelve-year-old.

Now I would like a day off, just for me. 

I do have to give some props though: my sweet child Bits made me a card, got her brother to sign it, and gave it to me in his presence along with the earrings she made for me. Well done, my dear. I'm not giving up on training her brother, but I so appreciate that she understood the assignment in a way that her father did not.

Twinkle: The Forgotten Transcript

I was so glad to see Julep posting today—I love when Daddy Rabbit is active. That stinks about your nice spa gift—I know Mr. Julep was really trying to give you a gift that was all about you, but a little bit of research, and, as you said, buy-in from the kids, would have been nice here. I know it’s not really about the gift, but about the thought and effort behind it. At least nothing could be worse than the dish brush and laundry soap, so the only way to go from there is up. Why do husbands make these missteps? Bless their hearts. At least you are teaching your kids the art of thoughtful gift-giving. 

I agree with you on Z. I stopped getting my hair done there in 2001, when they told me they no longer provided stying services after a cut and color, but I was welcome to use their self-styling station. They then directed me to a wall of blow dryers and curling irons, after charging me handsomely for the haircut. I never went back, and they can put their self-styling station where the sun doesn’t shine. All these years, I’ve wondered what kind of a masochist still gets her hair cut there. I’m sure the massages are good though—you have to try pretty hard to mess up a massage.

I realized today, looking back on the posts from last year, that I never posted the second transcript of the AWFUL conversation, the one where MIL said horrible things about me. I’m not sure why I didn’t at the time. I know the whole episode was really upsetting and exhausting, and maybe I was just tired and wanted to get away from it. I re-read it again today, and…it didn’t really make me mad like it did at the time. I’m just sad for her, that she has all these notions about me, that she believes. It honestly confirms I did the right thing in the past year, by distancing myself from her as much as possible. There is nothing I can do that will make her like me or treat me with humanity. The best I can do is try not to be around her, and smile and try to laugh in the situations when I am forced to.

So, for posterity, here is the transcript of the conversation my husband had with his parents on May 22 of last year. She said some really untrue and ugly things about my family, that she truly seems to believe, and she really misunderstood and misrepresented everything that I’m about. 

It’s really long, and I don’t expect anyone to read it, but I have been so thankful for this blog in the past year. This blog served as a record of everything she put me through as a young mom, and going back and reading it helped me to see all of it. Years later, it was all laid bare in this conversation, so I think Daddy Rabbit would be incomplete without this transcript. It shows the depth of how much she hates me, all the petty little grudges she’s holding, the things I did wrong that I never knew I was doing wrong—and how nothing I can ever do will change her contempt for me. But, anyway, it freed me.

—

Husband: Alright, so what’s up?

MIL: Well, I believe…I think that when the girls are gone…there’s got be a truce to this thing.

Husband: I agree.

MIL: And while the girls are gone to camp, we need to go for some counseling.

Husband: I don’t disagree. I think that’s…

MIL: She has…

FIL: How does she feel about this?

MIL: Did you tell her that—

Husband: What?

MIL: That you want to go to counseling.

Husband:  I said, I think there’s a po—first of all I said I was going to suggest counseling if you didn’t, and then I said there’s a chance maybe they would suggest counseling, and I think it’s a good idea.

FIL: What do you think happened to create this animosity?

Husband: I think, just like you said, you’ve got fifteen years of stuff there’s a lot that’s built up with her, I think—

MIL: But!

Husband: Stop. Are you going to let me talk?

MIL: Finish. Go ahead.

Husband: I mean, you have stuff that’s build up. I know she has stuff that’s built up. I mean, at the field hockey games, I know she was not warm and—

MIL: Ya think?

Husband: —Cozy. Because, in part, like she had been waiting on me to talk with you all, and I hadn’t done it yet. But I said the thing about how, you know Mel and Twinkle’s mother weren’t close, and you didn’t think she ever grew up in part of a family that did things with the extended family. And that’s just not true. Like, she would go to the pool all the time— 

MIL: Who would?

Husband: Twinkle and her mom would go to the pool with her cousins J and M. Like every day of the summer.

MIL: Not Mel. J and M.

Husband: Where did you hear? Where did you hear that Mel and Twinkle’s mother weren’t close? Like I could sort of…tell me…like, where did you hear it?

MIL: I just know from Twinkle’s grandmother. From what she would say, and other things…

Husband: Wait. ok I mean. I wasn’t…

MIL: So.. you know…she

Husband: Yeah. Like she thinks, like Twinkle’s grandmother. Every interaction I had with Twinkle’s grandmother and Mel and Twinkle, she would talk about how much she loved both of them, and considered them like daughters.

MIL: I’m not saying that at all. Twinkle’s mother…did not go out of her way to make contact or do things with Mel. I’m not talking about Twinkle’s grandmother’s relationship with the two of them.

Husband: The only thing I can think that Twinkle’s mother complained about with Mel was when Twinkle’s mother was basically taking care of Twinkle’s grandmother, and Twinkle’s grandmother moved in, that Twinkle’s uncle and Mel didn’t help much, and so maybe she was upset about that. But, like, Twinkle has always wanted to be part of our family and be included. If she feels like, I said on the phone the other day, like, there are things, and I’m sure we can get into it if we go to counseling, like every family event, she brings a dish, she helps set up, she does whatever. Here she’s asked repeatedly to set up for Passover or to help, you know, you ask her to bring flowers or whatever to certain things, and then you’ll do it on your own. ‘Cause…and maybe it’s because she doesn’t do it quickly enough, and you think it’s not going to get done, and you operate on a different timeline…

MIL: That first of all she does NOT volunteer. This year I had to ASK her to bring a dish she did NOT say, “Is there anything I can do for Passover?”

Husband: Because she’s used to you saying no, as far as setting up.

MIL: S—

Husband: And I guess she assumes that she’ll bring a veggie dish.

MIL: From the day you all got married it was her family, your family. Her friends, your friends. That’s not the way…

Husband: What do you mean?

MIL: That’s the way she phrases things. Even when you all would get toge—“Oh Daddy’s friends are coming into town this weekend and that’s what we’re doing," or “I’m going out with mommy’s friends,” or “That’s my family or that’s Daddy’s family.”

Husband: Well that is more specific than saying we’re going out with family. I don’t know. Like yes…

MIL: (authoritatively) You know—

Husband: There are two different sides. Like I have my friends, she has her girlfriends, and we have couples friends. Like she would say S and T were our friends she wouldn’t say they’re only—

MIL: Can you find any other examples of that?

Husband: J and M. A and A. You know I mean, I would say that the people I’m more acquaintances with are still our friends, like the husbands are not Twinkle’s friends. They’re our friends.

MIL: The drinking buddies.

Husband: Well I mean I don’t drink that much but if she wants to go drink and, like, that’s fine…

MIL: S, that’s college stuff.

Husband: No.

MIL: Really…

Husband: No, but regardless…

MIL: When New Years Eve rolls over into New Years Day for a drunken brunch, that’s college stuff. (bitter laughter)

Husband: But it can also be adults and kids, like… 

MIL: That’s family. No that is a family day. It is not the continuation of a drunken evening.

Husband: OK. So here’s another, so that might be how you perceive it, and we can get into this in therapy. And you know I love you, so don’t take this the wrong way, at all, but if people don’t do things the way you would do them, I don’t think you accept them. You don’t like it. you don’t that think it’s right. So…

MIL: I think the she drinks every night. EVERY NIGHT.

Husband: Not, no…most nights, but…

MIL: Six out of seven some weeks? Seven out of seven most weeks. Regardless of that…

Husband: Regardless, if we’re trying to get to a place where it can be a good relationship, like, you should understand, in her mind, and from what I’ve seen, like, she wants to be included. And you, and, just, like, so you have things I’m sure you would want her to do which can be discussed in therapy.

MIL: In FIFTEEN  YEARS, she has invited us or me to lunch ONE TIME. When we met you all up at [Indian brunch place] that is the only time she has ever, EVER invited me. When the girls are off for school and she’s getting a bite to eat with…

Husband: (exasperated) I can’t keep track. I’m not disp- I’m not saying that’s not right but I don’t know. I can’t, I don’t know. I mean don’t keep track of who invites who to lunch. I mean how often do I invite Dad to lunch? Dad invites me when he wants to go to lunch most of the time.

FIL: I think we have reached out on a lot of occasions—

MIL: From the very beginning!

FIL: Since day one, and without reciprocation, and we don’t have to have thank you for everything, but I think it would be nice to be appreciated.

Husband: I know. And I’ve talked with her about that. I mean I have seen her thank you in person, and by text. I thought the thing she said about the Chinese porcelain was really nice,

MIL: That was fine and I commented on that.

Husband: I know. And that was nice too. And I thought that was good.

FIL: unintelligble

Husband: Then yeah I’m not going to get nitpicky…

FIL: Well let’s get nitpicky.

Husband: So the text that she sent about St. Louis after all after those two nice texts where she said something along the lines of, “You know, I really miss my kids when they’re gone for camp, and it’s a tough time to go to St Louis, and I didn’t know they were going to go to St Louis—?”

MIL: But you did!—

Husband: I knew.

MIL: Weeks ago.

Husband: I knew.

MIL: OK.

Husband: I knew. But that’s on me. That’s not on her.

MIL: OK.

Husband: And when she agreed to the days, she didn’t know it was an out-of-town trip. So she had to get comfortable. And her agreeing to go to St Louis was her way of saying, “OK, like, I know you all want to take them. I want them to go but I miss them, and so it’s OK.”

FIL: We go three out of 365 days.

Husband: It doesn’t matter. In her mind…

FIL: They’re going to camp for a month.

Husband: Yeah.

FIL: Is she going to go to camp with them also?

MIL: So I texted. She said—

Husband: Well that’s the problem. The problem is that when they’re gone for four weeks out of the summer, and there are only two weeks before they leave, I can understand her wanting to—

FIL: You’re coming straight back from Chicago with them for—

MIL: Even! Even—

FIL: —a weekend or whatever.

MIL: Even at that—

Husband: Because she’s with them!

MIL: I texted you two days ago and said, “OK—“

Husband: I know…about what do we want to do.

MIL: “—Do you want to go to the arch?”

Husband: I know, I know, but part of that is me not reaching out to have this conversation, like…

MIL: With her?

Husband: No. With you all.

FIL: What does it take to say, “Are you going on the arch?”

Husband: Because she is reluctant for them to go because—

MIL: I thought we were all going!

Husband: We said we were all going and then there was no response to that text.

MIL: (exasperated) I te!— OK.

Husband: But I like the idea of family counseling. I think that’s a good idea. I mean, I don’t know where we do it. I don’t know how often we do it…

MIL: Oh, I’ve reached out. Don’t worry.

Husband: That doesn’t mean that’s where we’re going. (laughter) But I mean we can listen to different options and see what to do. But I know you feel like you’re not appreciated and that she doesn’t thank you, but I’ve seen her…Look. We have a lot to work through.

MIL: It’s not even thank you, S. It’s posts like the one from last night.

Husband: Why do you think that came up? Because of what I said about her family that you said—

MIL: And— 

Husband: I have to—

MIL: You don’t think that she could say, “I’m grateful to be in a…nother family who is supportive.”?

Husband: I think she would if, but I don’t, but look, I don’t think she feels it right now. Now I think we can get to that point—

FIL: How about in 3000 posts—

MIL: 3200 posts. There is not ONE mention of us, anything we have ever done with those children.

Husband: (exasperated) I cannot I…I…I…

MIL: You want me to show you? Cause I’ve gone though ‘em. 

Husband: Well that’s a problem! (laughter) I know that there are pictures of you from family events, and like spring programs, and whatever else we might have done where you’re included in the post. I mean, I don’t know about the thanks or the appreciation, and if I had time in my life, maybe I could go back and look at every post.

MIL: I’ve looked for you.

Husband: Well thanks. (laughter) There are plenty of opportunities for you to hear her out, and for us to hear you out, with a counselor. But again, like, I think it all sort of…this all came about the most recent episode because of that text about wanting to be talked to directly when you want to schedule things, and I know that you reached out to Eldest and told her to reach out to Twinkle—

FIL: She’s 15 years old. You need to go through her mommy to ask?

Husband: Yes! because she—because Twinkle needs to know where—

FIL: (sarcastically) She needs to clear that with her mom.

Husband: No like back when we were—

MIL: All she had to say was—

Husband: All I’m saying, “Hey I want to take Eldest wherever. Like is that alright?”

FIL: She’s 15 years old.

MIL: (unintelligible)

 

Husband: If she doesn’t do it, which there are plenty of things she forgets to tell us until the day of, when she wants to do them, then we’re scrambling. Cause we have three of them, none of which can drive.

MIL: And a response to that would have been “Hey, MIL, I didn’t know Eldest reached out to you to take her shopping. Uh. Could you let me know next time?” (mocking) “I am their mother! I—Thugh Thugh Thugh Thugh!” Come ON. How do you think that made me FEEL?

Husband: I understand that it bothered you, and made you sad, and whatever else. I didn’t think, the way I read the text, it wasn’t harsh. In my mind. But I know you come at it looking at it from a different way.  But what happened after the text where you basically, like, I know you said Dad had plans, and then it was whatever else, and, like, you went, we went like three weeks where nothing was talked about but we weren’t invited to anything and I had to reach out to you three weeks later to clear the air. I wish— 

MIL: When do you reach out to us? 

Husband: I did three weeks ago.

MIL: If I didn’t text you—

Husband: No, No, No.

MIL: If I didn’t text you on Thursday to see if you were coming on Friday, we would not hear from you from weeks at a time.

Husband: That’s not true. I would reach out, but I’m not going to invite myself—

MIL: You mean when we’re laying dead?

Husband: No, like I’m, I’m not— 

MIL: For several days? And your sister calls and says, “Have you checked on mom and dad recently?”

Husband: I don’t think that’s an issue. And, by the way, let’s not forget that she’s six hours away, so—

MIL: That’s ok. I’m if something happens to Dad, I’m moving to Memphis.

Husband: You’re not moving to Memphis.

MIL: Yes I am, too, cause you’d let me lay [sic] here forever and she’d feed me arsenic.

Husband: First of all, that’s not fair. She would not feed you arsenic.

FIL: She might want to.

Husband: Maybe. But let’s hope the counseling works. 

FIL: So where’s your, where’s your Harvard mediator skills?

Husband: This is it. Like, this is, but I can’t mediate…I’m not mediating between the two of you.

MIL: Do you EVER speak up for us? For me?

Husband: Yeah. I’m sure I do. Like, I know how much you do for the kids. She knows how much you do for them, and that the kids like it, and I’m going to make sure. And she’s said repeatedly she’s not trying to keep you from having a relationship with the kids. She wants us to all be one big happy family. Like I have stuck up for you in certain situations. I’m sure—

MIL: Oh! (bitter laughter)

Husband: And I can tell you like, I mean…

MIL: Let me ask you just one question.

Husband: Do you think St. Louis would happen? At all? If I weren’t pushing for St. Louis?

MIL: Let me—

Husband: No, no. Seriously. Do you think, I…don’t you think I want them to be able to go with you?

FIL: I think you do. I don’t think she does. 

Husband: OK! Because…but I’m sticking up for you, and trying to, you know, push that, but I am sure I have stood up for you more than you realize. And I’m standing up for her, too.

MIL: Let me ask you this.

Husband: I have been, I have, first of all, she’s my wife, and I do want to stand up for her. But I don’t want the relationship to be the way it is with you all.

MIL: Let me ask you this. In your entire life with all of your friends, all of the people we’ve ever had, with your friends texting me “Happy Mothers Day” on Mothers Day.

Husband: I know Darren…

MIL: Does it not indicate to you that there’s one person that I can’t quite get seem to…be…a nice person?

Husband: It’s a totally different relationship. Like, look, at the end of the day, I’m only married to her. I know she’s not what you wanted for me or expected me to do, and I know that’s hard. Darren is not my wife, and of course he’s going to say Happy Mothers Day. And I know that the friends that you invite, it’s like, super generous and they love you. Like, it’s a great relationship. It’s a different relationship with Twinkle.

MIL: Because I reach out and try to do things, and give you all things, and…

Husband: Look you’ve been super generous, and I thank, I always thank you for what you’ve one and what you continue to do. 

MIL: This all goes back to showing respect to you and being a partner in what goes on. She cannot be a Pollyanna and stick her head in the same about what it is costing to do some of those things. Now I know she doesn’t spend beaucoup of money on clothes. I know that you all drive schleppy looking cars…

Husband: Hey—

MIL: I get all that…

Husband: Our cars are not schleppy. Come on…

MIL: So explain to me why—

Husband: But again, like,

MIL: I understand that’s between you all. Do you think it’s not disrespectful—

Husband: What time is it?

MIL: That’s the washing machine.

Husband: I know but what time is it?

MIL: Ten after three. Do you not think it’s disrespectful to you when she has a birthday party for one of the kids, and she makes this beautiful charcuterie board…

Husband: Yeah.

MIL: With salami mixed in with the cheese.

Husband: I don’t. Is it—

MIL: It doesn’t bother you?

Husband: I—

MIL: It’s disrespectful to your religion, S. And to you. 

Husband: I don’t see it that way. I mean I’m not going to eat it…

FIL: It happened multiple times.

Husband: Who else? Can? I don’t even remember what birthday that might have been, but again…

MIL: If it doesn’t bother you, then that’s fine .

Husband: Look I’m not going to eat it. Do I like it? No. Like, she knows I don’t love it, but there are certain things…

MIL: But she does it anyway.

Husband: There are certain things that I can live with. It’s not like she’s serving, you know, bacon in the morning…

MIL: Well that might be the next step, with the Christmas tree…

Husband: Well you know again—

FIL: When did that happen?

Husband: That’s something between us. Like, I don’t love it, but there’s certain things you do for…

MIL: (to FIL) ‘Cause she said her Dad needed a Christmas tree now that her mother’s gone.

Husband: OK that’s between US. I might not like it, and I don’t like it. She knows I don’t like it, but as a couple, I will live with it because I’m confident that our girls…Eldest wears a chai, like she’s looking forward to Israel, she loves, they all love Jewish summer camp…

MIL: But don’t you think that—

Husband: They know who thy are, and that’s what matters.

MIL: I understand that. And I’m thrilled for that.

Husband: That’s what matters. If it helps Twinkle. Or even if it helps Twinkle’s dad deal with the loss of his wife, like, to me I can live with a tree that I don’t care about or don’t believe in.

MIL: Well that’s fine… 

Husband: But I don’t love it, but again…

MIL: So should she be choosing her DAD over what she knows is uncomfortable for you?

Husband: I mean, do you think—

MIL: No, I’m…

Husband: Again, I’m saying this with the preface of don’t get too upset. How is that different than…

MIL: unintelligible

Husband: Like, should I choose, like choose you over her, like…

MIL: I don’t expect you to do that. She’s your wife and I understand that. You’ve raised three wonderful girls. But I question…you know she SPEWS stuff on social media, and things I see her saying to the girls, that I think she thinks is cute. Like that whole thing with [former school]. Putting all that crap up…

Husband: That was…

MIL: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I understand you think she was upset about her mom. And I…regardless. It should never have been up there. But. Here’s the result of that. Middle will say to you if you say something about [former school], “Well that really wasn’t a school.” You don’t say that to a kid where you have supported and sent them to that school, and it was a great school for 95% of the time it was there. You don’t tell a child that. 

Husband: Ok. That. I might not tell a child that.

MIL: You think that’s ok to say to Middle?

Husband: I don’t think it’s OK, but I don’t think it’s, I don’t think its your, like, if you accept the idea that we’re going to be a happy extended family that just loves each other… relatively unconditionally, it shouldn’t change the way you treat her, or, and she, we should all treat each other better.

FIL: That’s what’s wrong with social media.

Husband: Yeah like I mean. And [former school], by the way, goes way deeper than you probably will ever know—

MIL: HOW—

Husband: No, no, no. You have no idea what has happened with that. And I’m not going to get into it, but, she is truly hurt by what happened with her. And, and again I don’t like badmouthing anybody, really, to anybody else, unless they truly deserve it. But not, I wouldn’t, I don’t badmouth [former school], but I understand why she does. And I don’t, she knows that I don’t like it being done with the kids, and I don’t like it being done on social media, and she has’t posted anything about [former school] in…I don’t know…a…while.

MIL: Well for Middle to say that to me. It’s WRONG. 

Husband: OK. But that’s, that’s, that shouldn’t affect how you think of her, or treat her. Like you can think it’s wrong. Like you don’t have to think it’s right, or everything either one of us does is right, but it shouldn’t change being open and friendly and inclusive. And I know it goes b—

MIL: And you don’t think I’m open, friendly, and inclusive to her?

Husband: I’m not saying you’re not at times, and I think you’ve tried a lot, but like, I mean I think that what I want to do is, again, get to St Louis. You know. Enjoy St Louis and then do the therapy. But—

MIL: That’s fine. 

Husband: You know I think.

MIL: But I need to know if you all are going up in the arch or not. From two days ago.

Husband: I understand. It’s, yes, I know that’s more specific. I know that it she thought she had opened up and gotten no response for two days about going together.

MIL: It was one day. 

Husband: No, it was, like, in the morning and then it was Friday night when you responded. It was 12:20 a.m. on Thursday and then you responded Friday night at like 8 o’clock. And she, I mean that was a more emotional text than, “Are you going to the arch?”. Although I know you have to plan it.  So let me talk to her. I don’t know if she wants to go on the arch. I’ve already been in the arch in the last five years. I really want to, I don’t know, I mean there are certain things that I want to do that don’t require tickets, but let me talk to— 

MIL: Such as?

Husband: I want Eldest to go to Wash U’s campus and walk around. I want to go to the barbecue place I went to with my college guy friends near Wash U’s campus. Now I don’t know what S and E and SIL will eat there, but dad would like it.

FIL: Where?

Husband: It’s a bbq place with wings and brisket.

FIL: I think I’ve been there.

MIL: You need to—

FIL: Did we go there with Eldest? In St. Louis, across from the theatre?

MIL: Oh we might have.

Husband: Is it by Wash U?

FIL. Close.

Husband: I might have been; I don’t remember the name of it. But again we just need, we need a more constructive way to get past some of the issues.

MIL: I agree.

Husband: Instead of freezing people out or whatever it is.

MIL: You know just an FYI.

Husband: Yeah?

MIL: After we had the intruder in the building…

Husband: Yeah?

MIL: She sends two texts right as religious school is starting, hammering with questions. She’s THE ONLY one who questioned my integrity or my handling. Everybody else emailed and said thank you so much for handling it (bitter lighter) the way it was, and it’s like, why didn’t she do that at night when I can answer, not at 4:20 when the kids are supposed to be showing up at the front door?

MIL: Because she was worried about whether they should go that day, like…

MIL: And she wasn’t worried the night before? When I could have answered?

Husband: I don’t remember the timeline. I don’t remember the timeline. I do think, I mean it’s a weird situation at Hebrew School. Like that the guy got in the back door, and that the, like, I don’t think you can underestimate the concern that people have about gun violence in schools, especially a Jewish place.

MIL: I…I…I… 

FIL: You know what? He didn’t get in.

MIL: Yes he did.

Husband: He did get in.

MIL: Of course he did. 

FIL: I thought y’all did not let him in.

MIL: Our teachers didn’t. 

Husband: He had a key.

MIL: He forgot his scan card. And he wanted them to let him in the door, and nobody would let him in. He had his hard key that he went around and used at the maintenance entrance.

Husband: Right, so…

MIL: But we did not…

Husband: I think her concern is how were we ensuring that that doesn’t happen again.

MIL: You do not think that that’s a concern of mine constantly that I have, with my own grandchildren there? (bitter laugher) That I would not take every precaution? The precaution was to lock down until I knew what the hell was going on. 

Husband: Yeah, and that’s fine.

MIL: And it happens that we’re moving to [different location], so there will not be all of these other people in the building. But the point I’m making is I can’t stop…

Husband: Yeah I get it. I don’t know why it wasn’t done the night before. When, I don’t remember when you sent the email, or the text, or however it went out. I don’t know, but she’s scared to death of, you know, the gun violence all around.

MIL: As everyone is, but…

FIL: Everybody is.

MIL: [Their school] is pretty damn vulnerable.

Husband: No.

MIL: Yeah they are.

Husband: You need…

MIL: I’ve had kids let us in the door there.

Husband: Ok, I think you look relatively safe. Maybe. (to FIL) I mean you might be carrying I don’t know. 

FIL: I’m thinking about it.

Husband: I think you should. I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world. I mean I’ve thought about gettin a gun but I don’t want it around the kids so…Look, I think, I think, we need to just come at it with the best of intentions, not think the worst of everybody, and try to work through this shit. I know you’ve got stuff and I know she’s got stuff and dad and I can be along for the ride (laughter)

FIL: We’ve all got stuff.

Husband: Right, but I don’t think . But then…

MIL: PLEASE

FIL: But she she hasn’t been as appreciative or show much respect for everything we do.

Husband. OK. Some of which she might not know, and some of which, OK, she could be better at doing on social media. Does she not thank you in person whenever you do something? Is she not open and friendly most of the time?

MIL: You know…when we…

FIL: No…

MIL: When we have…

FIL: Mom takes them to get their nails and hair done, whatever, takes them for the day…

Husband: Right…

FIL: And the next post that comes out is, “What a great day playing soccer against whoever. The cousins and it’s such a wonderful…

MIL: It wasn’t even. You know when E and S were in, and we did we had a mini camp with the two girls, we did that whole cooking thing, they spent the night here, they spent the night there, there was not ONE thank you, this was great at [grandparents’], Oh but MEL’S…. OHHHHHHH!!!”

Husband: She didn’t thank—

MIL: That was…

Husband: —you in person?

MIL: That was just…

Husband: She didn’t, well in part it’s because it’s the first time they’ve done it with Mel, but it also shows that her extended family does do stuff. You’re not thanked publicly and Mel is.

MIL: Or somebody else is.

Husband: OK.

MIL: You know, God forbid, when she does—or if she does Middle’s—cause I know she told you she wasn’t doing another bat mitzvah like that cause it was too much work, right? Eldest’s?

Husband: I mean I …

MIL: But…

Husband: No she didn’t say that. She said— 

MIL: I mean if she pulls from her POSTS for pictures, 

Husband: What?

MIL: If she pulls from her posts to get pictures for any kind of video. Gee! There won’t be any of us in there!

Husband: That’s. Whatever. There are plenty of pictures that we have of you. But look. She did a baby naming during Passover for, what, Middle, cause that’s when SIL was going to be in town. That isn’t easy to pull together. At [Synagoge]. Like she’s willing to do the work for that stuff. Look I thought that Eldest’s bat mitzvah was great. 

MIL: It was fabulous. I thought it was great. But I also heard her told… tell you that she wasn’t going to do that again.

Husband: What…the?

MIL: The whole big thing, the whole…

Husband: That is not true. Although I mean I’ve said that maybe we should do a joint one so that we don’t have to do one more than once. For a party. You know. But I…we haven’t totally figured that out, so…

MIL: You don’t have to have a big adult party.

Husband: Oh we might n—right, I mean, I would be happy…

MIL: Just have a kids party.

Husband: I would be happy with a kids party. That’s what I’ve told her. So. Anyway I get the grievance about not thanking you.

MIL: E-e-explain…

Husband: And I want to reiterate that she has always wanted to be part of the family.

MIL: interrupts, unintelligible

Husband: She doesn’t want to separate herself she doesn’t want to look at it, like, she doesn’t want you to think that she doesn’t want to be included.

MIL: Well…

Husband: And, like, she’ll make a vegetable. She makes the challah. But, like…

FIL: It’s good challah.

Husband She’ll make some other stuff.

MIL: Husband—

Husband: Yeah the challah’s good. Like, really good. I mean it took some time for her to do that.

MIL: Husband. It’s difficult. And I thank her every time she does it.

Husband: I. Yeah.

MIL: But do you know that we eat at your house two times out of the year?

Husband: Our house is…busy. I mean I have talked to her about inviting you all for Friday night.

MIL: I…I don’t care if we pick up dinner. 

Husband: Yeah I mean that, look, I think I think she would like to host more. And I you know. I think she would like to host more. Cause we’ve talked about it.

MIL: Explain to me why, when, whenever some…and you know maybe this is how her family…does it, but, when we have dinners here, when we have Passover…

Husband: Mmm hmm. I know. I know what you’re going to say. She doesn’t clean up. Right?

MIL: Right!

Husband: OK. That is how her family does it. The host cleans up.

MIL: So…when you are with a family where you see everybody grabbing dishes and…

Husband: So, maybe that is a cultural issue we can work through. But her family has her bring stuff every time, she gets, I mean her family has everybody contribute. I know how hard it is for you to pull everything, you know, to do as much as you do for Passover. Like have her do more than a vegetable dish.

MIL: I’m happy to do that. 

Husband: Like, like, I think SIL and I talked about, you know, Twinkle and SIL and FIL and me, like, taking more of it off your plate. But you have, like, every time it seems like whenever I ask if you need help, it’s generally, “No I’ve got it.” And then you talk about it being…

MIL: Well, the week before…yeah (bitter laughter)

Husband: Well, that’s when I would help. Unless you want us to take more ownership and do more…look, I need to go. Is it 3:25? I gotta go. Um, like, we are willing to help with Passover or other holidays more. I think she would love that, and I know it’s a difference in the cleanup thing. Cause she never wants you…I know you ultimately try or you do clean up at our house at Break the Fast of whatever, but she never, she doesn’t want that necessarily. Like…

MIL: Well, I…I get that, because I understand that with her family, one of them hosts Thanksgiving, so it’s once a year, and somebody else hosts Christmas, and it’s once a year. And maybe they don’t want or need help cleaning it up. 

Husband: Yeah.

MIL: But our family doesn’t do that. We have birthdays. We have every holiday, so…

FIL: Most Fridays.

MIL: So, there’s a big difference between doing it once a year like her mom did for awhile on Fourth of July, and invited her family once a year, to say, “Oh no I can do this when it’s…”

Husband: OK. When it’s more frequent. Sure. OK.

MIL: Does that make sense?

Husband: I think she would be willing to clean up. So…alright, I have to go.

FIL: Does she do windows?

Husband: I need to take…No, no, she doesn’t do windows. I need to go cause I need to run downtown, and I need to get Dog to the vet, so…

MIL: What’s wrong with Dog?

Husband: She just needs her shots before we go to Taylor Swift, so she can be boarded. So. Alright I’ll talk to her more about St. Louis. About the arch.

FIL: And about counseling.

MIL: I want to…

Husband: Yeah, about counseling.

MIL: I need to know what you want to do while we’re there, and what you want to do… 

Husband: Yeah.

MIL: Other than that.

Husband: OK.

MIL: Because…

Husband: I mean. It’s a…it’s. OK.

MIL: What ?

Husband: Nothing. It’s just. It is difficult. I mean we need to be able to get past this little thing. Not little thing, but get past this, so she can be fully on board with wanting to go to St. Louis because…it’s hard.

MIL: So she doesn’t want to go. Is that what you’re saying? 

Husband: I think that she is…look. I think it’s easier to be in Hometown and then do a day, like, meet in Nearby City with SIL, but I know that we said we would go, and the kids could go. I just think that because I didn’t respond, you know, before that field hockey thing, like she is feeling hurt that nobody responded to the last text. But I’ll talk with about her, like, this. And I, you know, I mean, I think, again, she doesn't want to keep the kids from you. She wants them to be able to go. She wants to be with the kids, so I just need to talk to her.

FIL: Ok

Husband: But in the future. Like we love when you do your grandparents camp. If you want to do a trip out of town, like I don’t know like maybe that should be Fall Break thing or a, um, some other long weekend instead of the two weeks. Although we’re not going to be at Taylor Swift in the future. It’s just something we need to. And I know—

MIL: SIL’s kids—

Husband: It’s hard to find dates with SIL’s kids.

MIL: That’s right. Cause they’re not on fall break at the same time your kids are.

Husband: I know. Right. I know. And, I mean, we’re limited in when we an do it, but it’s also hard for them to be gone. It’s easy to do it here, but it’s special to go out. So, alright, I need to go. This was fun. Pretty much what I expected. You could have said last night, “We want to talk about what’s going on.”