Twinkle: Because There Really Aren't Enough B*stards Out There

Am I going to go there? Yes, I am. And I have to apologize in advance for the sensitive nature of this post, but what's the point of holding anything back in a stealth blog?

So I got to thinking the other day, after our Return of the Classic Cocktail hour and all the talk of family planning. I thought back through the (particularly rowdy) month of May, and started to wonder. And I figured I'd better ascertain the situation one way or another, so I could curtail all that bourbon and sushi consumption tout de suite.

I marched my happy *ss into the Kroger Highlands and discreetly made my way to the pharmacy section. The goods were in a case, and there was a line, so I did a little shopping and waited until the coast was clear. When I went back, I had full access to the case, but much to my dismay, it was locked. I decided to just swallow my pride and ask for help. Here's how it went down:

Twinkle: Can I get one of those pregnancy tests?

Pharmacist: Sure.

Twinkle: The case is locked.

Pharm Tech: (a different one, who likely came to gawk at Twinkle the Whore) Yeah. I'll unlock it for you.

Twinkle: Thanks. So why do you keep all this locked up? Do you not want people using birth control?

(A kindly grandmother type and a bemused biker dude walked up just in time to hear me say that last part).

Pharm Tech Girl: Oh, someone's supposed to unlock it every morning, but we always forget.

Well, that's nice. I wonder how many taxpayer dollars are spent subsidizing the needs of various illegitimate children whose parents simply gave up because the case at Kroger was locked. Everyone doesn't have the moxy to ask for what he or she needs, after all. 

I have never understood a retailer putting its most embarrassing items under lock and key. Our neighborhood Walgreens did it in the pre-Twinkle Jr. days, and Mr. Twinkle was so anxious to know back then that he actually found a Walgreens employee to unlock it. Only she didn't have a key, so she had to page someone over the loudspeaker. "Assistance needed in Aisle 3, pregnancy section side. Young eager couple has been gettin' it on, and now needs definite answers." What is the point of this? If there's a religious objection to pregnancy tests (and, beliefs about birth control aside, what objection does anyone have to pregnancy tests?) then don't sell them. If they're worried about shoplifting, put one of those plastic alarm tags on it. There has to be a better way than screwing with people's emotions when they've already got the stress of a potentially life-changing experience staring them in the face. They don't need to be humiliated too.

Anyway, the result of the test was negative, which means I can still have wine and Lil' Twinks doesn't have to share her playroom any time soon. The moral of the story: if you need to know, go to CVS.