How crazy is my neighbor B? Let me count the ways. Some of her greatest hits to date include:
* Calling Animal Control. First it was on our dogs. (They're dogs. They will bark from time to time.) Then it was on the dogs of the new neighbors across the street - they were renters, but perfectly delightful and a huge improvement over the prior tenant, a single mom whose teenage daughter was an after-school special waiting to happen, out on the porch with her boyfriend at all hours. Crazy B ran off those nice folks and the new renter has to leave her dog at her mom's house because the landlord got tired of the complaints.
* Calling the cops. The very high point was the time she called the cops on my Junior League committee meeting because people were parked against the flow of traffic - more importantly, in front of her house. It's the Highlands, woman. Everyone parks against the flow of traffic. I'm not even sure it's illegal here. But there was also the night she called the cops on Mr. J because he was outside in the garage with his friend N drinking beer and working on N's bike. Apparently they were being too loud. You know those rowdy drunk bike mechanics.
* Sending certified letters. We live next door, you would think she could hand-deliver. But no, when she wanted to complain about the dead tree in the back of the lot (that we didn't even realize was on our property, as it's in the utility easement), she sent us certified mail.
Now, in the latest bout of crazy, we have ...
* Getting a lawyer. Yes, that's right, Crazy B has harassed some poor friend of hers who practices employee benefits law to send us a vaguely threatening letter about the construction project we have planned. See, we made the mistake of telling her and the other neighbors that we would be starting this project - because we are good neighbors, wanted to apologize in advance for the inconvenience. And how did Crazy B react? By lawyering up.
Her lawyer didn't have much to say, just fussed a little bit about the utility easement and how we need to get permits. Yes, thanks for that tip, sir. The reason you didn't see any permits on file at the Planning Commission is that we haven't gotten that far yet. We weren't planning to spend $$ on a home addition without having it permitted and inspected.
The fact is, Crazy B has no avenue to complain about a home addition that is not visible from the street and won't change the outside parameters of the building. She just doesn't want to live next door to the dust and noise for three months. And I get that, I do - it is inconvenient for everyone, and she won't even have a wonderful new master suite at the end of it all. Hell, if she weren't such a b!tch we would probably have bought her a fruit basket.
But here's the thing, B. I am a lawyer. Did you forget? I'm not an employee benefits attorney, either. I am a trial lawyer - and as it happens, I am great pals with our firm's land use and zoning expert; I litigate her appeals for her. You've heard the old line about not picking fights with people who buy ink by the barrel - well, the same principle extends here. If you try to get in my way with a bull$h!t legal action, two things will happen. (1) You will lose - because you have no grounds - and (2) you will rack up legal fees that you will not believe. Because I can do this all day, woman. For free. I knew you were crazy - are you stupid, too?
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