Twinkle: Watch Me Somehow F*ck This One Up

Well, the upcoming dinner party is upon us, which means I'll be making the wrong damn meal again--just watch. Here's the menu:

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Salad:
Vegan Caesar Salad (with regular Caesar dressing for Fun Sink, who has a nut allergy)

Main Course:
Layered Eggplant and Zucchini Casserole
Ratatouille
Grilled Salmon (FIL won't eat it, but my kids will, which might avoid the last dinner's buttered noodle disaster and could potentially make me look like a good mom for once, but it will probably backfire somehow)
Fruit Salad

Dessert:
Homemade Crispy Twix Bars (which are vegan and contain no processed sugar, but I'm sure my FIL won't eat them either because of the calories or whatever, but they are freaking awesome so I don't really care. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to make for dessert? And if I don't make dessert I haven't fulfilled my obligation as a hostess in Fun Sink's eyes. I hate these people).
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And y'all know I like cooking, and I like a dinner party, but I am so dreading this one. I don't mind cooking vegan meals--I do it all the time, but it's really not fun to cook for someone who won't eat anything. I had to filter my regular vegan recipes for his no-pasta, no-potatoes, all-nutrient diet. And, by the way, he weighs 120 lbs., and people he knows are worried about him. He has completely reversed his diabetes through diet, which is cool, but he needs to chill out now. People think he has an eating disorder, and he just might. It's just awful to cook for him.

I think a lot of what's bothering me about cooking for him goes back to my SIL and how perfect everyone considers her. I'm sure she'd make him the perfect bland plain quinoa meal he so craves, and then Fun Sink would tell everyone she knows about the recipe and how great it was and how Sophie ate the whole damn thing and then ate a second helping of steamed broccoli for dessert, and then my kids would be all, "Another milkshake please!"

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Here's something I'm sick of.

Yes, we skipped the Derby this year, and I am super-impressed that Julep made it to the races what with having a new baby and two children under the age of two. I just did not feel that I could get away for a whole day this year, but more power to you, honey. I think taking a couple of years off when I was pregnant or when our kids are little is a normal and understandable thing for Mr. Twinkle and me to do. We have every intention of getting back to it.

But Mr. Twinkle's parents love to refer to us as an "old married couple" since we "don't go to the Derby anymore." And, apparently our good couple friends, T and his pregnant wife S, are also an "old married couple," and aren't we just all a bunch of "old married folks" and isn't it hilarious how "old" and "married" we all are? And of course "old married people" like us have no use for the fun and frivolity of the Derby.

But--oh! My SIL is throwing a fabulous, quinoa- and kale-soaked Derby party in Connecticut, and it's just the most fabulous Derby party you've ever heard of!

And when SIL called Mr. Twinkle on Derby Day, she asked, "How come no one goes to the Derby anymore?"

And Mr. Twinkle answered, "Practically everyone we know is there."

And I find it super-annoying that the entire Twinkle family just assumes that we are boring and likes to laugh about how old and boring we are. I think Fun Sink likes to think of me being knocked off my high horse a little bit, like I don't have my former social life with all these children I've chosen to have. And of course that's just not the case, as you all know. I mean, I do the best I can. I don't think I'm old and boring. I sure as hell would never serve quinoa at a Derby party, so at least I have that going for me.

In news that is actually unrelated to Fun Sink's thoughts on the matter, Mr. Twinkle and I have decided that this will be our last Derby day to be locked in a house with small children. Because that is a miserable undertaking. Next year, it is back on, b!tches.