Middle child had a very sweet idea in the wake of the Hamas attacks on October 7. She’s making “I love Israel” bracelets out of clay beads, and selling them for $5. We cover the cost of materials, so 100% of the profits are donated to the local JCC Israel Emergency Fund.
It’s a simple business model: she sells from her stock of bracelets, or makes custom bracelets for people who want them. She keeps track of how much people owe and who has paid. Every time we reach $100, we donate it to the Emergency Fund. It’s simple and sweet and Middle Child is leading it. It’s her thing, and we’re on hand to help make bracelets and make the actual donations in her name to the fund, but it is her project.
Or it was, until my MIL found out about it.
MIL just loves it of course. She has to tell everyone about it, and is taking orders and payments faster than Middle Child can make the bracelets. This complicates matters because, with Fun Sink and Mr. Fun Sink taking payments, suddenly there are all these extra adults involved with the money collection, and it’s gotten really confusing. Before, I would see physical cash, or see that people had Venmoed me, and I could make a simple donation when we got to $100. Now I have no idea who got bracelets, who paid, or where that money is. It’s really confusing, and I want to make sure that every $5 donation actually gets donated. I also would rather make donations in $100 increments so I don’t get stuck with a larger one-time donation, but now I have no idea how much we have taken in, or where the cash is. It was working well when fewer adults were taking money and orders.
A couple of weeks ago, Fun Sink told Middle Child to make a sign and set up a table at some Jewish parent mixer. Fun Sink wanted the sign to say, “$5 or larger donation” (something like that). I didn’t love the wording. People know it’s a donation. They can give more if they want to, but the bracelets are $5. I didn’t say anything about the wording, and the next week there was another mixer. Fun Sink didn’t even ask Middle Child to make the sign. This time, Fun Sink made the sign, and she charged $10 for the bracelets. So…what about all those people who paid $5 for bracelets, and suddenly they’re $10? It makes Middle Child look bad. It makes our family look bad. I have no idea who paid $10 for bracelets, or if anyone did, or how I can refund them now, since I don’t know who bought bracelets and who paid what.
Fun Sink also ordered her own beads—different beads from the ones Middle Child uses—and is making her own bracelets to sell for Middle Child’s charity. It’s obnoxious. It was a sweet little project that we were all handling with ease, until Fun Sink had to come in and take over.
I know she means well. I’m trying to give her grace for wanting to help. If she wants to make her own, different bracelets, we’ve decided not to stop her, because it would be hurtful for us to turn down her help. But the whole thing is so annoying. It would have been better if she had said, “Hey—can you show me your technique and materials for making the bracelets so that I can do it in the style you’ve developed? Maybe you could come over one day and we could do it together.” (If she were nice, this could be fun.) But she can’t collaborate, or let anyone else take ownership of anything. She has to take charge. No wonder her children have issues.
It feels like Fun Sink just wants it to be about the dollar amount at the end of it, so she can go around bragging that Middle Child raised $50,000 or some other huge amount for the Israel Emergency Fund. I don’t think the final dollar amount is what it’s about. That’s part of it, but it’s also the learning experience of taking ownership of a project, keeping track of orders, making the bracelets, promoting the project in manageable ways that are Middle Child’s own ideas. By taking over, Fun Sink is robbing her of valuable lessons, and I just wish she would stop, back off, and let Middle Child learn something from this experience. Instead we’re just reminded of what we already knew: that Fun Sink cannot bear to let someone else be in control of anything, because she thinks she can do it better.
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