Julep: Marriage and Money

More years ago than we might care to admit, LoLa and I were sitting at the kitchen table of my childhood home, engaged in the deep philosophical conversation typical for smarty-pants girls soon headed off to college (or back to college, I can't remember exactly when this took place).

The topic du jour was this hypothetical: Say you had two wonderful fellows seeking your hand in marriage. One was a doctor or businessman or something else lucrative, who could support you and your hoped-for family in fine style. And he was a good guy, a nice person, but just, you know, kind of boring. The other was the opposite of boring: he was exciting and funny and someone you could talk to for hours. But although he had a job he loved and was good at - a musician, say, or a mechanic - he was clearly never going to bring home the bacon to any significant degree. Which should you choose? A family's financial stability, or the love of one's life?

Unbeknownst to us, as she bustled around doing something productive, the J-Mama was listening to us (and no doubt laughing at us). And as she left the kitchen, the J-Mama had the last word. She said, "Girls, marry for sex. You can make your own money."

I have never forgotten it, if only because it shocked the hell out of us and seemed so contrary to what anyone would expect a mother figure to advise. I'm thinking of it today because Mr. J and I met with our new financial planner. Although we've both known all along that I contribute the bulk of income to our family coffers, I don't think either of us realized before today exactly how much comes from me - and what seems like the more emotionally significant corollary, how little comes from him.

I truly do not care. I am blessed to have a career that I enjoy, I'm good at, and pays me quite well. I don't need a husband to support me financially. Mr. J supports me so much in so many ways that are more important to me. When we got to the car, I told him: "I really hope you know that your contribution to this marriage is not measured in dollars." And he said, "I sure hope so, or you'd have kicked me to the curb a long time ago!" In and of himself, I don't think Mr. J cares either. We're pretty good with thinking of it as "our money."

But there is still a lot of societal pressure on a man who is not the bread-winner. The new financial planner is a friend's husband. I 100% trust his discretion with the details of our finances. But I have to wonder if he and Mr. J will be as comfortable with each other with this information on the table. I never thought about that before we were sitting around today. When the topic came up, Mr. J and I both immediately started talking about these new commission-based things he has going that may mean he'll earn much more in the future, blah blah. And isn't that a little silly?

I have a great job and my husband is handy around the house, a wonderful cook, drives me to court appearances when the weather is bad, and sails a lot. And someday, when we have kids, he'll almost certainly be the stay-at-home parent. Why should we make excuses for it? And yet we do.