Julep: Mr J Takes the Test

Another month has passed in the Casa Julep household without success at procreation. We know, thanks to my Good Catholic Girl adoption of natural family planning, that the simple things that can go wrong on the female side of the equation are going right. (Mr J has facetiously suggested that maybe I should go on the Pill for a month, since skipping a pill or going off birth control seems to be the most efficient way for anyone we know to get knocked up.) There could still be something arcane wrong with me, but it's not very likely.

But we don't know much of anything about Mr. J's side of the equation. So this morning at 10 am, Mr. J presented himself at the OurCity Andrology Laboratory downtown near the hospital. I told him to call me as soon as he left. But I was pretty darn surprised when the phone rang at 10:18. I said, "Are you still there?" and he said no, he was in the truck headed home. Really? at the gyn's office, you can sit for 18 minutes before they even call you to talk to the insurance clerk. These people must be models of efficiency ... not to mention the efficiency on Mr. J's part. I asked, "Did it go OK?" and he said, "Are you asking me if everything came out all right?" Ha ha, good one. "No worries," he said, "I spent years studying up for this test. I didn't even need a cheat sheet."

(Lola is squealing about TMI right now, and Mr J would probably be none too happy that I am writing this up, but that's why it's the Stealth Blog, right?)

We should know by tomorrow afternoon how his swimmers measure up. He might be fine ... my friend Peggy and her husband had all the tests after a year of no baby, and got told, "You're both fine, just keep trying!" (Their son is now 2, so that is promising, although they've been trying for a second for a while now.)

I feel terribly disloyal to even begin to think that it would be better if something IS wrong, but at least then we would be able to start trying to fix it. Apparently there are plenty of things they can do to improve male fertility - diet and lifestyle changes (Mr J could quit smoking and cut back on the alcohol considerably and see big improvements) as well as medication.

But if there isn't anything wrong with either one of us, we're still stuck on this endless loop of no-baby-making, and I'm not sure I can keep it up. I really don't know how many more times I can spend the last week of the month hyper-obsessing over the slightest physical symptom that might indicate a bun in the oven (Look, I have a huge zit on my chin! Hormones cause break-outs, right? Maybe I'm pregnant!) without losing my ever-loving mind.

I need a game-changer. Frankly, I'm not sure what to hope for.