Julep: Sunrise, sunset

Tomorrow is the Bear's first day of "preschool" - which, let's face it, is primarily day care at this age, and I'm just calling it school to make myself feel better. But it works. And I do think it's going to be better for him to spend three days a week with other kids to play with, and with people who are actively trained to spend time teaching him his colors and numbers, and who are happy to let him finger paint and make a huge mess. Mr. J loves the Bear, but I strongly suspect that their time together consists of (a) wrestling and (b) Bear puttering around while Mr. J checks his email and surfs the internet.  

Although this maternity leave at home with the Bear has been exhausting and difficult for me in lots of ways, it's also been really sweet. He's gotten super attached to me (which has both positive and negative aspects) and I feel like I know him so well right now. I hope I can hold onto that closeness once I am back at work. I never once felt like I didn't get to spend time with him when I saw him in evenings and weekends. We'll be okay.

On the flip side, there is the Seagull. This feels like such a dirty little secret, but girls ... I am no more attached to this child now than I was ten weeks ago when we brought her home from the hospital. I feel a great obligation to her - I make sure she is clean and fed - but I don't feel any affection for her. She is so mightily unpleasant to be with, I spend most of my emotional energy preventing myself from doing her a permanent injury. And I don't think she is attached to me, either. At least, being held by me does absolutely nothing to soothe any of her problems du jour. She takes no comfort from being with me, and the sense of futility that gives me just feeds my indifference.

I've never been a baby person, so just being near a baby does nothing to inspire me to affection. I can't remember what sort of things the Bear was doing at three months, but I do remember that I was happy to be with him and sad about leaving him to go back to work. I feel a lot of guilt that I don't have similar feelings about the Seagull. I got up at the crack of dawn to be sure I could feed the Bear and snuggle him a bit before leaving for the office. I am certain I won't do the same for the Seagull. She doesn't care a bit if I'm with her, so why should I bother?

I know she won't always be this way. I know someday the screaming will stop and she will be more of a person, and I can make a real connection to her. But I am sorry for both of us that there won't be another maternity leave in a year and a half, when she's old enough for me to appreciate her.