Twinkle: In the Market For An Undocumented Maid

Can anybody point me in the direction of a cleaning woman who doesn't speak English? Because mine is getting a little bossy.

I usually try to be out of the house when she's there cleaning, but I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner today and had to be there basting my turkey and such, so I had to endure hours of her advice and admonitions. Among other things, I learned that:

1). My vacuum cleaner is "a piece of crap."

2). I need to get rid of all my rugs, because they're hard for her to clean. I mentioned that I really like the look of seagrass rugs. She advised that those are worse. (That's why I'm paying her to clean them!)

3). I need to get rid of all my baby stuff, except that means that I'll immediately get pregnant again, which in her opinion I should not do. (And I agree with her there). She reminded me that accidents happen even when you're being careful; to her credit, she did stop short of demonstrating proper condom technique on a banana--but only barely.

And, here's the kicker:

4). She won't be cleaning under my children's beds anymore, because "they're old enough to do it themselves."

I'm sorry? I'm paying her to come here and make it look nice, not to give me parenting advice or to determine what my children are or aren't old enough to do. Here's what I expect: if I'm paying someone to clean my house, and there's sh*t on the floor or under the bed, it's that person's job to pick it up, no questions asked. One of the best parts of having a cleaning woman in the first place is knowing that whatever's on the floor is one less thing I have to worry about. It's not her job to keep my children from becoming too entitled; it is her job to shut her mouth and pick up what's on the floor (which is usually just a few books...not that big of a deal), and take her tax-free all-cash payment, and say, "Thank you. What else can I do for you, Mrs. Twinkle?" 

I am beyond nice to her and my expectations are pretty low. I realize she's middle aged so if she's too tired to go back upstairs and vacuum my bedroom (with my piece-of-crap vacuum cleaner) at the end of the day, I'm cool with that. All I want is for her to make my house better than it was before, which isn't hard. And I can listen to and disregard her stupid advice about rugs and vacuum cleaners and family planning, but I don't appreciate the parenting advice, especially when it comes in the form of what she is or is not going to do while I am paying her. What should I do, y'all? Should I gracefully find a way to end our arrangement?