Twinkle: My MIL is Pure Evil

I grew up watching the loving relationship between my mother and my grandmother, who has often said that God gave her two sons and made her wait until they grew up and got married before she could have her own daughters. My grandmother's sweet to everyone, of course, and so is my mother--so why would they engage in b*tchy power struggles when they could just be friends? That is what I always hoped for and expected for myself, and why shouldn't I have it? I'm nice to everyone, too.

I really don't think I ask much from my mother-in-law--certainly not more than I expect from any other friend or relative in my life. I don't want or expect her to buy me anything (she does, generously). I certainly don't expect her to love me more than her own daughter (she clearly doesn't). I really just want her to be nice to me, to treat me as a valid human being even though I may not be exactly like her and her precious perfect (to her)--and decidedly beige to the rest of us--daughter, and I'd prefer it if I knew where I stood with her on a day-to-day basis. That's about all I'm asking for.

What I don't understand is the ongoing dichotomy about my daughter. Because, on one hand, MIL acts like Twinklette doesn't even like me or care if I'm around. And on the other hand, she acts like we're in an unhealthy codependent relationship. The truth is, Twinklette and I are close--as all mothers and toddlers should be. I'm not afraid to let her have a little bit of freedom at a time, when I think that's appropriate--and I do believe I'm the one who knows best what's appropriate when, since I am the person who knows Twinklette best in the world.

So, we enrolled Twinklette in school. Her first day is next week, and we've all been getting excited about it. Twinklette has her backpacks ready, and we've been talking about school clothes and the friends she'll make and the things she'll learn, and how great it's going to be. And, while I'll miss her, I'm looking forward to having a little more freedom in the mornings to get things done or to do something for myself. (Note: this is not the attitude of an unhealthily attached helicopter parent).

Tonight, we were over there for some pathetic belated-Hanukkah bash, and I was in another room while Mr. Twinkle, Twinklette, and my in-laws were in the kitchen. I guess one of them said, "Are you getting excited about school?" and Twinklette said, "I'm not going to school. I'm going to stay home with mommy." I walked in the room a minute later, Mr. Twinkle told me about the sweet thing she'd just said, and of course my heart melted, and MIL looked me in the face with a look of disgust and disbelief. I said, "That's so sweet, sweetheart--I'm going to miss you, too," and MIL started talking about all the friends she's going to make and how she's going to learn and blah blah blah. The face she made sort of soured dinner for me, and when we got home I asked Mr. Twinkle how the initial exchange went down.

He said Twinklette said, "I'm not going to school. I'm going to stay home with mommy," and my MIL said to Mr. Twinkle, "Where'd she get that?"

And I cannot begin to describe to you how hurt I am by that little question. Do you really want to know where she got that, Grams? She got it out of the deepest parts of her sweet, tender, two-year-old little heart. And for that evil woman to think that it came from anywhere else does a disservice to Twinklette's genuine feelings. (She doesn't pay attention to Twinklette's feelings or thoughtfulness, anyway...tonight Twinklette was passing out treats and wanted to make sure Grams had some--she was willing to give her own away to make sure my MIL had some. And I'm sorry, but--like any toddler--Twinklette loves her sweets, and usually cares more about herself than anyone else. So for her to be willing to give up a treat and put someone else's feelings and needs before her own is very kind and grown-up of her, I think. My MIL didn't notice. All she cares about is if Twinklette knows what the duck says. Which Twinklette still doesn't).

So it upsets me that she thinks Twinklette couldn't feel that for herself, and express it. And it really hurts me that she thinks I just go around filling Twinklette's head with whatever ideas I want to all day long. I'm not going to lie--my daughter and I have a wonderful time together every day--but I let her be who she is and feel what she feels, and I would never try to force a feeling on her or try to make her more attached to me than she is. I want her to have the right amount of independence. I would never try to sabotage this important step for her--as much as I'll miss her, I want her to go to school and love it.

That woman is pure evil. Hope she enjoyed her babysitting privileges while they lasted, because I think school is going to make our daytime social schedule fill up pretty darn quickly, and we have so many reliable nighttime sitters, you know. And I really don't want to play that game, but I also don't want my daughter to spend her time with someone who considers brainwashing a valid form of child-rearing and assumes Twinklette's feelings and convictions are coming from my own personal brainwashing agenda. My only agenda is to help Twinklette grow into exactly who she is.

Twinklette can major in whatever she wants to in college (unlike my MIL's kids, whose majors were selected for them by her). In fact, I sort of hope Twinklette picks a pointless one just so I can shove it in MIL's face. Perhaps I'll enroll us in a spring pottery class.