Twinkle: Food Wars

This may be more than you ever wanted to know about my toddler nutrition philosophy, but I just have to vent.

Dinner at the inlaws' was painful. MIL made Chinese, which Twinklette usually loves. She's a foodie--she'll eat anything you put in front of her, including but not limited to salmon, goat cheese, tabouli, channa masala, and steak. Most of the time.

We have certain mealtime standards for her. She eats what we eat (no special, short-order cook-style meals just for her), and she doesn't have to eat anything she doesn't like, but she's encouraged to try everything. If she doesn't want try something, no big deal. If she doesn't like something, no big deal; she can have more of whatever she does like. If she doesn't eat much of anything, no big deal, we just hope for a better appetite at the next meal. The only rules are she has to say, "May I please have..." instead of "I want..." or wild gesturing, and she has to sit in her high chair the whole time we eat. At the end of the meal, she says, "May I have be excused please?" (That's right...there's an extra verb in there; it's just her thing). That's it--it's manners-focused, but laid-back in terms of what she has to eat. I like to think it's the reason she is a good eater.

Here's what we never do, because I don't want to turn mealtime into a game or a power play:

* insist that she eat something specific

* bring more options out if she's not eating what she's served

* hover over every bite she takes--she's on her own in terms of feeding herself

* make a big deal about eating or not eating

Yet, somehow, at these Friday night dinners with the inlaws, she never eats. I fix her a plate, she says, "I don't like it," without taking a bite, and I say, "Well, you don't have to eat it. But you do have to sit here until everyone's finished eating." (At our house, that would be the end of it, and she would probably start eating what was on her plate about halfway into the meal). But then Grams says, "Want me to get you some mandarin oranges, sweetie?" "Did Mommy cut up some chicken for you?" (I already did). "Mmmmmm...this rice is sooooooo yummy. I looooove rice, don't you, Twinklette?" Then (to me): "Did she have a big snack this afternoon?" "Why is she so cranky? Didn't she nap?" "She must be tired." "I think she's getting a cold--that's probably why she's not eating." All the while, Twinklette eats the mandarin oranges Grams brought out especially for her, and continues to complain about wanting to get out of her chair, and everyone concludes once again that I am an unfit mother.

So tonight...Chinese. Twinklette usually tears through chicken fried rice like I tear through a bottle of Hey Mambo: with gusto. Tonight, it was the usual, "I don't like it" followed by the usual drama. I shut down the offer to bring out the mandarin oranges, but the discourse just went on and on, with FIL, MIL, and GMIL harping on what Twinklette's problem was. Finally, FIL said, "You put too much soy sauce in the rice, Grams." And, while I appreciated the criticism of my MIL's cooking, I was like, "No. She likes fried rice. She likes soy sauce. She's a good eater most of the time--because we leave her alone. I think when we come over here, everyone makes such a big deal about it, and that's what the problem is." FIL laughed nervously and MIL looked down at her plate like, "Well, excuuuuse me." Well, I'm sorry. What I said wasn't so bad...it is so obvious that that is the problem. No wonder my SIL is anorexic. (And I swear I don't mean that b*tchy).

After dinner, it was up to me to make a judgment call about whether or not Twinklette could have a piece of chocolate cake after not eating a bite of dinner. And my decision was to let her have it, even though I normally wouldn't (if those circumstances ever existed at home, which they wouldn't), because I didn't want the evening to turn into even more food-related drama than had already been. I'm sure MIL is on the phone with the nutritionist at her elementary school as I write, and on Monday she'll probably contact the state to revoke my custody. But, you know what? I see what she eats every day, and I see to it that she has healthy meals and a healthy attitude about food. I see food as something that keeps us alive and quite often brings us pleasure--I want Twinklette to enjoy it.

How would MIL like it if someone force-fed her something she didn't like, or made her eat when she wasn't hungry? She lied to her own kids when they were growing up--she said she was allergic to lima beans, when really she just didn't like them. Well, I don't mean to judge her parenting, but it's OK for people not to like certain foods sometimes. Why not just be honest and trust your children to make decisions about what they like or don't like by themselves? (She should totally try cooking lima beans in bacon grease...it'll totally change her mind about them).

By the way, I never give Twinklette a snack on Friday afternoons because I want her to be super-hungry for dinner so that I don't have to hear about what she's not eating. Today I even tried to bribe her, telling her that if she ate a good dinner at Grams' house she could have a Valentine Peep when she got home. She didn't want to make a deal...and she loves Peeps. This tells me something significant: she kind of enjoys all the attention and drama surrounding dinner over there.

On the way home, Twinklette said, "I'm hungry," about a hundred times, so when we got home she had some milk and colby cheese. My in-laws don't see that part, the part where we pick out fruit together at Paul's, or when we cook dinner and talk about how herbs add flavor to food. They just think I feed her Twinkies and M&Ms all day (which I don't...except yesterday when she used the potty she got two M&Ms. Of course she had to announce it at dinner: not "I used the potty!" but "I had M&Ms!" I'm sure Child Protective Services will hear all about it). Anyway, they think the only reason she's so smart and well-adjusted is because of their influence, and tireless efforts to undo the damage that I create.