Julep: Return of the Blog

 First of all, I really want to thank Twinkle for resurrecting the blog. I have not had such fun in years as the evening I spent re-reading our history. We are hilarious and I can't believe we let this lapse for so long. We're back, baby! 

Secondly, I have continued to mull over the Twinkle family saga since we talked over cocktails on Tuesday night. I know I said some of this on Tuesday, but of course, the margaritas and wine were also flowing ... so excuse me for repeating myself. 

Fun Sink is so, so, so mad because this whole episode has been a torpedo to her long-term plan to make Twinkle irrelevant. I am convinced that she has been biding her time for YEARS, telling herself that as soon as the girls are old enough, she can cut Twinks out and engage directly to mold them into the self-critical, miserable young Jewish women she thinks they should be. But -- in addition to being batshit - her plan has two critical flaws. 

(1) She moved too fast and showed her hand. I said on Tuesday that she should have waited until the girls were old enough to drive etc., but Dibbs rightly pointed out that once they can drive themselves, they won't want to hang out with her. She was right to start reaching out at this age to build the connection. But what she should have done was to stay below the radar for now. When Twinkle asked to be looped in, she should have done it perfectly, exactly as asked. And then she could have had all the opportunities she wanted to tell them not to eat anything tasty and stay away from goyim and feed them nasty untrue nonsense about Twink's understanding of family dynamics.

(2) She's overlooked the power of personality. The Twinkle girls love their mama, because she's lovable! And fun! Whereas Fun Sink is, indeed, a fun sink. If asked to decide who they want to grow into, what likelihood that the Twinkle girls choose Fun Sink?

... we already know what happens when someone is presented Fun Sink as one alternative and Twinkle as the other. Exhibit A: Mr. Twinkle.

Mr. Twinkle is the key here. All his life, his mother has made her affection conditional on her approval. Even though he has opted for fun and glamour and good times instead of dour joylessness, he still struggles. He's still trying. 

Twinkle, I think you need to be up front with your girls that this is hard for you, but it's really hard on Daddy. You're asking them to help you keep the peace with Fun Sink so that Daddy's life can be a little easier. I'd offer up some conversational starters like " I hope you know that Daddy and I will love you no matter how you choose to live your life. You don't have to earn our love, we love you just because you're ours. I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but Daddy tries really hard to earn his parents' approval. They do love him, and they mean well [Ha!] but feeling judged is hard for him." Then I'd let them talk. Your girls are smart and I bet they have observed plenty already. If you offer them the opportunity to air what they have seen, and compare notes with each other, you're in business. When she starts pulling that sh!t on them, they will be perfectly aware of what's going down and they won't fall for it.

Always, always bring it back with grace. Who can get mad about that? We worry about Daddy. We are sorry for Fun Sink because she doesn't seem to enjoy her life very much. Let's do what we can for her while preserving our own awareness of who we are. 

Twinkle: Transcript of the May 11 Call Between My Husband and Fun Sink

Husband: Um. OK. So I know you were pissed about that text because you didn't invite us to Shabbat right after that, so I wanted to talk about it.

Fun Sink: I...Uh...Well. It was not...we were going out that night. Or dad went out; I was sick. So. That's when Dad went to Faye's. But you know. I wasn't happy. [bitter laughter] You know I'm not her whipping boy.

Husband: Yeah. I mean, so...so did you think it was too harsh? Or did you just think that you don't feel like you need to go through her and can just go to the kids?

Fun Sink: [Husband's Name], I didn't go through anybody. [Eldest] texted me because she wanted some things to take on that trip, and asked me if I could take her shopping that day, which was Monday, and she wanted some things to leave on Tuesday. When she texted me, I said, "Did you clear this with your mom?" And thats when [Twinkle], I guess, went off on [Eldest], because then she said, "Well, maybe you better check with Mommy on this," or something. So...I didn't instigate any of that. But she can't just say, "Hey, can you check with me?" She's got to...uh...send two paragraphs, like I don't know she's their mother?!

Husband: Well...I didn't think. I honestly didn't think the text was harsh, but from the reaction that I gathered, you know, you did. I do think that all she was trying to convey was that she did want to be the point person for anything with uh—

Fun Sink: And two sentences could have done that. 

Husband: I mean maybe she was trying—

Fun Sink: I feel like you—

Husband: Yeah. Go ahead. You feel like what?

Fun Sink: silence, sniffling

Husband: You there?

Fun Sink: I'm here.

Husband: What were you going to say? You feel like what?

Fun Sink: [voice cracking] Nothing. It doesn't matter.

Husband: It it matters. I mean I feel like we ought to be able to talk about it because, obviously I love you; I love [Twinkle]; I want y'all to have a better relationship. She just wants to be included as part of the family. I know you want to be able to, like you, know, see the kids when you want to see them. I feel like we can talk about it. Maybe this isn't the best time because you're at school, but, you know, it puts me in an awkward position. I want you all to have a better relationship—

Fun Sink: I've tried—

Husband: She does appreciate—

Fun Sink: For fifteen years I've tried.

Husband: Well—

Fun Sink: [voice cracks with emotion] In her 3000 posts on Facebook and Instagram, there is not one of me or anything that I ever do for those kids, [more emotion] and I love those kids beyond anything you could imagine.

Husband: I know you do. She knows, she knows how much the kids love you, and she wants you to be with them. You know, I...I...I understand you saying that there's no public expression of appreciation, but I feel like I have thanked you on posts before. I feel like she thanks you in person when you do things for the kids.

Fun Sink: No she doesn't. She never thanks me for anything. Not for a gift, not for anything. 

Husband: Well I'm sorry. We'll try to figure out a way for you all to get through it.

Fun Sink: [Husband's Name] I've tried for fifteen years to make her a part of our family, and for her to understand what it's like to have an extended family, because I know she didn't grow up that way. And I know that she didn't want anything to do with [her father's] family. I get that.

Husband: Wait, what? Wait, wait, wait. Say that again. That she didn't want anything to do...she didn't want us to have anything to do with his family? Or she didn't want to?

Fun Sink: [her mother] did not want to have anything to do—

Hubsand: Oh [her mother] didn't—

Fun Sink: with [her father's] family. And that's the way [Twinkle] grew up, with that as a role model. And...

Husband: Yeah, I never knew that. 

Fun Sink: What do you mean you never knew that?

Husband: Like, [her mother] would go to [her father's] side of the family stuff. I mean I don't don't remember her ever saying...

Fun Sink: [sarcastically] Oh she and [my mother's sister in law] were real close.

Husband: I have no idea. I have no idea. But regardless I feel like, uh, you know, I know you feel like you've done your best to include her, and I know you've done things to include her, I...you know, I...I think there are times where she doesn't necessarily feel included. 

Fun Sink: Such as?

Husband: So, like, I think she would love to help set up for Passover. She has said to me many times, "Why doesn't...you know, why don't I get invited to set up for Passover? It's my thing. Like, I can help with the tables; I can help set up." And you always, you always say you don't need help, and you end up doing it, I guess with [cousin]. And you know, but sometimes [sister-in-law] comes over and helps set up, and I feel like that's one, that's just one example where I think it would be nice if she could, like, help you set up. I know you talk about how difficult it is to pull it off now. Like, let her help with that.

Fun Sink: You know, [dramatic pause] I understand your situation. That's all I can say. So...I don't want you to be in the middle of this, and...

Husband: Well, what does that—

Fun Sink: And I don't want hard feelings because... [sniffle] just...

Husband: Well what do you mean you understand my situation? Just that?

Fun Sink: That you're caught in the middle and I don't want to to be that way. [emotion]...But...

Husband: Well, let's just see what, you know, try to work through this stuff over time but, you I know, I...I...I...I don't know. I mean, I'm sorry that, uh, you don't feel appreciated, but, but I don't think that post was necessarily intended the way you might have taken it. I don't think she was trying to be mean about it, I think, I mean you're right. It could have been done in two sentences, maybe, but I think she was just trying to explain it. But...

Fun Sink: Well.

Husband: But, I understand and I, you know, I love you both, and I know how much you love the kids and so. And, I don't know. I don't want it to end up being this passive aggressive thing where if you're, if you do feel upset about something that you just keep it in and don't talk about it. It's better if we all just talk through it, or at least you and I talk, and I talk to Hunter if you all can't talk directly about it. 

Fun Sink: [crying] Well, I think that, uh, you know, it's probably me and I just need to go to a...counselor or somebody, because... [voice cracking with emotion]

Husband: I mean. I don't know. If you want to do something together, we can do like family therapy together if you want. I mean I don't think that's a bad idea; I think it could be helpful. You know, I think...I think, I know, I didn't realize in this situation that, that, that [Eldest] reached out to you and that you then told her to ask, um, [Twinkle] about it. I didn't understand the, like one of the things that [Twinkle] mentioned to me just because, since we're talking about it I kind of want your view on what actually happened, but when we were at Grandma's for her birthday, I think I was in the kitchen, and [Twinkle] afterwards was really upset and was crying at home, saying that you said "Pretty is as pretty does," multiple times and so, like, I don't know was that, like, a slight against her?

Fun Sink: Nooooooo.

Husband: So what?

Fun Sink: One of the kids was saying something, I don't even remember what they said, and I said, "Grandma always said, 'pretty is as pretty does.'"

Husband: Ohhhhhh. Ok. Yeah. Ok

Fun Sink: I was not—

Husband: See I mean that, that again. It's just a situation where people are taking things the way they might not have been been intended, so I don't know. I mean I'm. Look, I think it's helpful for us to talk and not keep things in side

Fun Sink: Honey. [bitter laughter] I have fifteen years worth of inside that you'll never know.

Husband: I'm sorry to hear that.

Fun Sink: [bitter laughter] Its...you know it's...I know you have to go so anyway.

Husband: What time is it? 

Fun Sink: Huh?

Husband: What times is it? Oh yeah. Yeah.

Fun Sink: Alright. We'll see you later.

Husband: Alright we'll see you tonight. Love you. Bye.

Twinke: Part VII—MIL Has Moved On! Back to Normal!

 This has happened before, enough times that it's a pattern. 

MIL freezes us out over something insignificant. We have our mandatory period of penance in which she won't speak to us and plays dramatic emotional games with us. Then it gets so bad that we give in to whatever she wants, there's a detente, and she moves forward normally as if nothing has happened.

We're now in the last phase, except I can't move on. 

At this point I think it would be helpful to review the timeline:

April 17. I send a text message that she doesn't like, asking her to include me on plans with my kids.

Radio silence from Fun Sink

April 23: "PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES!!!"

Radio silence from Fun Sink

May 10 Husband calls FIL to feel out the situation. FIL says he thinks the texts were "harsh," sides with Fun Sink. Tells husband to call Fun Sink.

May 11: Husband finally works up the courage to call Fun Sink. Tears. False accusations of family dysfunction in my family. Play happens evening of May 11; Fun Sink tries to act normal.

May 12: I get a friendly text about the trip to St. Louis. Fun Sink tries to get the girls over there for Friday night dinner, but it doesn't happen.

May 15: I meet with the rabbi; he gets a whole new view of Fun Sink.

May 17: Husband and I talk about St. Louis and I try to do the gracious thing and help my husband by agreeing to St. Louis. Husband calls parents to discuss plans for St. Louis. He fails to convey properly my act of selflessness and my feelings about all of it (or maybe they just chose not to see it; who can even know at this point?). Husband inexplicably tries to redirect inlaws to a different plan.

Feeling misunderstood, I sent a text trying to convey grace to inlaws and honesty about my true feelings:

"I felt like the St. Louis plan was sprung on me because [Husband] didn't mention the initial plan after discussing it with you all. I was sad about missing out on the time with the kids before they go to camp. I really miss them when they're gone, so finding out they would be gone for three days during those two weeks felt like a lot. 

I thought it was a good solution to join you all in St. Louis. If that works for you all, I'd love to move forward with that plan. Just let us know! Thanks!"

Radio silence.

May 18: Husband meets with therapist Megan. Pointlessly.

More radio silence.

That brings us to...May 19. Day 2 of the field hockey tournament. They didn't show up on Day 1, which was a blessed relief. 

So last night, May 19, we're at the field hockey tournament. I was laughing in the bleachers with my dad and some mom friends (including Julep, whose daughter is also playing in the tournament), when some sister drama broke out over a field hockey stick. I left to go fix the sister drama, and when I returned, Fun Sink and FIL were in the bleachers talking to my dad. I guess I wasn't expecting them to show up since they didn't the night before. I'm not going to sit in the bleachers with them like everything is normal, and I'm certainly not going to subject Daddy to an awkward situation. I got Daddy out and we watched the game from a closer location.

Aside: [Youngest] played a great game and scored her first ever goal! And this was only the second game she has ever played!

So, throughout the night, it was clear that Fun Sink was trying to make things normal. She was extra nice to Daddy—for once she didn't yell out loud, Tourette's style nonsequiturs about rabbis or Shabbat or other Jewish stuff, which she normally does, to let my dad know that she is definitely Jewish and weird about it. She was smiling; she was trying to be sweet the way she does; she was definitely on her best behavior. During [Middle's] game, she even made her one of characteristic comments about how big the other team's girls were. "They must be feeding those girls HORMONES or something!!!" I mean we can't all be 80 lb anorexic anemic vegans with schoolmarm haircuts like my SIL, but that is Fun Sink's gold standard for how a girl should be. I think it's incredibly rude to comment on the size of individuals or teams, especially 6th grade girls. Also, the other team was cute, blonde, and normal. And they're also the best team in town so they crushed us, and it was because they practice all the time and work hard. It had nothing to do with growth hormones.

The games went well, and I avoided Fun Sink as much as I possibly could. When I got home, there was a response to my heartfelt St. Louis text! A friendly (for her) response!

Fun Sink: "It will be a mini family vaca. [SIL] will join us. We will discuss details later. Thanks!

OK. 

So everything is normal and we're all going to St. Louis. 

No acknowledgement of my valid feelings on the matter. No acknowledgement of the past five weeks' silent treatment on her part. Everything is totally normal! We can forget all that unpleasantness I perpetrated with my unreasonable and demanding initial request to be included on communication, and the almost five weeks of emotional abuse that followed. Moving on! All that is ancient history! Now we're forging ahead with a fun family vaca to St. Louis! We never have to speak of all this unpleasantness (caused by me) ever again.

Since she's ready to move on, if I were to say "um. No. We're not finished here," I know how it would go, and I would be seen as the jerk who holds grudges and perpetuates drama and is actually the real problem here. 

This family has been gaslighting me since '06.

Twinkle: Part VI—Husband Explores Mommy Issues in Much-Needed Therapy Sesh

My husband is going to therapy today, to discuss the text message and the sh*tstorm that followed. I thought it might be a good idea if I came along. 

My husband used to have this therapist, Rick, who would let me join in on sessions. The sessions with Rick were related to my husband's work stress, but I went along sometimes and it was fine. The sessions mostly consisted of Rick talking about himself, about how rich and influential and high society his family was, but how he had eschewed all that for the life of a humble mental health worker. Covid happened, and my husband drifted away from Rick. We do overlap socially somewhat with Rick; he's nice, but it's kind of weird that he knows our business.

So...now my husband goes to Megan. This is a new development because he was feeling stressed with work this winter. I thought Megan might let me join a therapy session, like Rick did. Since my husband is a shit communicator and definitely won't be able to convey what is going on to her, I thought this might be a good idea, because we need help. 

Megan said no. 

Megan doesn't do joint therapy sessions. 

Megan only sees couples if the other half of the couple brings their own therapist along, and the other therapist has to be someone who works in her same practice.

Megan feels that allowing me to join today would be "unethical."

Megan believes that since she and [Husband] have already developed a therapy relationship, I might feel ganged up on.

And to that I say, WAKE THE FUCK UP, MEGAN.

My husband and I are on the same page on this issue. We're not at odds here. We both know his mom is a self-righteous bitch, and now Megan has revealed to us that she is one, too. Does Megan actually believe that she and my husband could make me feel any more ganged up on than I have felt in sixteen years of marriage? I assure you that whatever ganging up on feeling I would have experienced in that therapy session would have paled in comparison to my daily interactions of being ganged up on that I endure with my husband and his insane family. 

WHO DOES MEGAN THINK SHE IS? Between the two of us, Megan and I might have been able to begin to help [Husband] sort some of these issues out, but now it's going to take ten times as long because he won't adequately be able to communicate the problem. I don't care how much time Megan and [Husband] waste, because insurance pays for Megan, but we sort of need help today. Now. Three weeks ago. Last week. Yesterday. We need help.

Thanks for nothing, Megan. 

Twinkle: Part V—Trying Hard, Doing It Wrong, and Getting Zero Credit and All the Blame. Again

My husband and I talked last night. I was and still am just...stunned...at the way this plan for St. Louis was communicated and received. I was trying to swallow my pride, be the more gracious person, and help to repair the relationship going forward. (The very relationship that I did nothing to damage, other than send an ill-received text message about wanting to know my kids' plans.)

I decided to prove my good faith by sending another casual yet friendly text message, which attempted to convey my real attitude toward the whole thing. I could have mentioned a few points: that this all started with a text message in which I made a reasonable request; that the the three (now four) weeks of silence were uncalled for; that it was hurtful when MIL didn't speak to me at GMIL's house other than to yell "pretty is as pretty does" in my direction, that the lies my MIL told about my family and me as she cried to my husband about how hard she had tried were incredibly hurtful.

I mentioned NONE of that. In a good-faith, honest, and gracious effort at reconciliation, here is what I said:

Hi—I'm not sure that what [Husband] and I talked about regarding St. Louis was properly conveyed.

I felt like the St. Louis plan was sprung on me because [Husband] didn't mention the initial plan after discussing it with you all. I was sad about missing out on the time with the kids before they go to camp. I really miss them when they're gone, so finding out they would be gone for three days during those two weeks felt like a lot. 

I thought it was a good solution to join you all in St. Louis. If that works for you all, I'd love to move forward with that plan. Just let us know! Thanks!

I don't want to go to St. Louis, but I'll do it if we can move past this absolutely bonkers episode and have things be halfway normal. I hate this plan, but I love my husband. If he thinks this is a way forward, I'll do that for him. I don't even see it as giving in; I honestly see it as a lesson in humility and grace that I can learn from. I see it as a stumbling point in my marriage that can sanctify me to be more loving to difficult people that I am stuck with.

Also, I see that text messages may not be the best way to talk to these people. I tend to prefer texts simply because they often take my actions and words the wrong way, so at least if it's there in writing, I have some proof of what I said. 

I was actually scared to wake up and look at my phone this morning, for fear at what I had done wrong with this attempt to lighten the mood casually, and also capitulate to their demands, in a way I could live with. They haven't responded, which tells me I have erred. Gravely.

Twinkle: Part IV—I Am Tired. So Tired.

 So today my husband called his sister. He presented the Nashville plan. She agreed that it was a good idea, and she said it would be fine with her if this was the plan, but it wasn't something she wasn't going to stick her neck out for. I wasn't someone she was going to stick her neck out for. 

He reminded her that we had her back when she moved to Memphis. She said she knew, but she couldn't back us up on this one. It was too risky, and she and BIL didn't want to deal with the fallout with Fun Sink. So that hurt.

Tonight he was finally going to call his parents and talk about St. Louis. We talked about what he was going to say. I was firm that I didn't want them to go, but I asked my husband what his perfect solution would be. I asked him what solution he thought was best going forward. I really tried to listen to his perspective, and be open to his ideas.

He said he thought that if I agreed to let the kids go to St. Louis, it would open up a productive conversation that I want him to have with them about all the issues: communication, my family, my role in the family as a mother, etc. I decided to swallow my pride and be gracious. I decided to agree to let them go to St. Louis, but I wanted it to be presented from the lens of my perspective: that I'm sad when they go to camp, that three days out of those precious two weeks are a lot, that I made a reasonable request, was then frozen out for three weeks, that no one communicated the plan to me, but I was willing to do the gracious thing in the interest of going forward and moving the family past this.

This is not what he conveyed at all. Of course.

I really think the lack of communication is a HUGE part of this family's problem. It's not the only problem—Fun Sink is still a judgy bitch who assumes the worst of everyone, thinks she knows best, and has to control everything—but communication is a huge part of the puzzle.

The way he communicated it to them was not "this is Twinkle's perspective, but she's willing to compromise because she wants to be gracious and heal the family." Instead MIL was like "is there a problem with St. Louis?" And my husband was like, "Twinkle really doesn't want them to go; can we stay here instead and do a night in Nashville instead?" And then they reluctantly agreed to give in to my unreasonable demands, because they will do anything to promote family harmony. Anything. After all, she has tried so hard. SO. HARD. I'm the crazy person, issuing crazy demands again. They are the poor longsuffering martyrs who will do anything—anything—to appease their son's unreasonable wife.

Sigh. 

I am exhausted.

Twinkle: Part III—Recent SIL History

 Yesterday my husband finally talked to his sister. She was sympathetic; she gets annoyed with Fun Sink, too.

A few years ago, SIL's husband got a job here. They were going to move here. He was living with my inlaws while the kids finished the schoolyear in Connecticut. She came down on weekends to look for houses and schools. It all looked like it was going to work out...until my SIL's husband got a better job, in Memphis, where his family is from. 

So instead of them moving here and all of Fun Sink's dreams coming true, they moved to Memphis instead, essentially choosing his family over hers. It's a shame because I love my niece and nephew. My niece is the only person in this extended family who truly gets me and appreciates my whole fun and frivolous outlook on life. I would have loved to have her live here, but I'm so glad she's a little bit closer than she was when she lived in Connecticut.

I think it was a combination of the Memphis job being better, the terrible schools here (you basically have to go private in this town), the fact that my BIL's family is lovely, and I think that Fun Sink's controlling tendencies also played a role in it. 

After they announced that they were moving to Memphis instead, my BIL was still living with them. Fun Sink was terrible to him. She really damaged her relationship with him by the cruel way she treated him, and in doing so she hurt my SIL and damaged that relationship, too. She can't get out of her own way and just let people live their lives...and the irony is that maybe if she could, they would have actually wanted to live here.

During all this, my husband and I had my SIL's and BIL's backs. Our attitude was that they have to live their own lives and make the best decisions for their family. We were nice to them about it. We defended them to Fun Sink. We tried to minimize the drama for their sake to help Fun Sink move on.

So yesterday SIL's advice was...get this. She thinks I should offer to help plan the trip to St. Louis. I'm sure Fun Sink, who has never so much as let me set the table for a family meal would LOVE to let me help plan the fun grandparents' weekend in St. Louis. This would accomplish nothing; I don't want to help plan it. I don't want it to happen. All I want is for them to ask my permission for things like this, and I'd like to be treated like a human being, worthy of basic respect, going forward. 

My husband brought up to SIL how Fun Sink never lets me help set up for holidays when the rest of the family is invited to help. SIL said that maybe Fun Sink thinks I'm just offering to help because I think I have to but not because I really want to. I want to explore this more because I think this is a huge reflection on Fun Sink's own psychological makeup. And also...ever hear of assuming the best intentions from someone? But we'll have to unpack that another day because there is just not time for this digression right now.

After my husband and I talked about it, I suggested this plan for the grandparents weekend: two nights here, one day and/or night in Nashville. We can meet SIL in Nashville on both the front and back ends to get her kids here so she doesn't have to drive the whole way. It's a shorter drive for everyone. The family still gets to see each other. I get to feel like I have some say in the situation. I don't have to send my kids away for three days during the short window before they're going to leave for a long stay at camp. We'd present this to Fun Sink as a united front of parents who get to make decisions about their children's plans and lives. 

So while we were talking about it, I had my husband send a quick text proposing this plan to SIL and BIL. He laid out the details, I chimed in that we'd help get their kids to and from here so that their drive wasn't too long. 

No response.

We had our back when they moved to Memphis, but they want no part of having our back now.

Now you're all caught up. We'll see what happens today...

To be continued...

Twinkle: Part II—Mothers Day

So after my husband and Fun Sink talked, and she was able to cry and get in her talking points about how crazy I am and what a bad family I'm from, she felt that everything was back to normal. We saw her at the play. 

Oh. Another thing she said in the weeping phone call was that I have never thanked her. Never. Not once. Ever. This is also not true. I am PROFUSE in my thanks to her. I'm so profuse that she has a standard (annoying) response every time I say thank you: "our pleasure." The fact that she has a canned response to my thanks is proof that I say thank you A LOT. 

OK. So at the play I thanked her for being there. After the play I sent a few pictures to the family group chat and again thanked her for being there. She seems to think everything is normal now, so she then sent a big itinerary for St. Louis to my husband, my SIL, and me. (Again. Communication. My FIL and my SIL's husband weren't on there. Every adult affected by the trip should have been copied, too). No one answered her text; my SIL knows there's trouble; she wants no part of it. My husband knows I don't want them to go to St. Louis but is terrified to speak up. I'm certainly not going to be the one to transgress over text again by breaking the bad news.

This brings us to Mothers Day. I peaced out and went to a nice hotel with some school moms on Sat. night, which gave me an excuse to miss brunch with her on Sunday. The kids said she said, "Ask mommy when I can take you all shopping," which tells me she has missed the entire point of all of it.

She sent a very nice Mothers Day present to me. It is a really pretty piece of blue and white Chinese porcelain, exactly my taste. So weird. She has never cared about my taste before. I sent her a text to thank her, letting her know it is exactly my taste. She sent a nice text back about how when she saw it she thought of me, and she knows Mothers Day is a hard day because of my mom. (Yeah...and you're making it even harder, Fun Sink!) I think this is what her "trying SO HARD" looks like. And, I do like the gift. It's on my dining room table right now and it looks really pretty. But I also can't be bought off with Chinese porcelain. The nice gift doesn't change the fact that she lied about my family and tried to manipulate my husband with her tears over a text message that she didn't like. A text message in which I simply asked her to let me know what my kids' plans are.

I'm glossing over it here for the sake of time and of recording a completely ridiculous, convoluted story, but I have been emotionally just a wreck during all this. I cried the whole night of "pretty is as pretty does." I was shaking with anger when I heard about the phone call where she accused my mother of never wanting to go around my father's family, and saying I'm the same way. I have been so deeply hurt and upset by all of this. There is no going back to normal after what she said. 

My husband is busy with work, tired of the whole thing, terrified of her, and would like to avoid it. I can't move on. St. Louis cannot happen, because you can't just treat me like this and then announce to me that you're taking my kids on a trip. Also, for the hundredth time: NO ONE ASKED ME. My husband can't seem to tell her this, and I'm afraid she's going to start booking visits to attractions, and then it's going to be worse when we tell her it's not happening because she will have spent a bunch of money on it. Either that, or I'll have to suck it up again and just let her take my kids to St. Louis because no one can stand up to her. That's looking more and more likely, because no one will speak up. It can't be me, because I don't have enough (any) authority in the family, and she would just cry and twist it the way middle school mean girls do. It has to be my husband. 

I need help. I need reinforcements.

That was what led me to call the rabbi.

I met with him on Monday. I could have called my priest; I'm sure he would have had advice about loving her and praying for her (which I have also tried to do), but it was more fun to let the rabbi know how truly awful she is. They work closely with the whole Jewish Sunday School program. The rabbi is a young, recently married guy. He LOVES me and has been waiting for me to reach out to him for his rabbinical services since he moved here more than a year ago. So he was happy to meet with me, and it went well. He was like, "First of all, (intense eye contact), I believe you." Classic post-#MeToo moment. He had the classic response of my choices: either I can vent to him, he can help me with solutions, or he can refer me to a professional counselor. It was good to get his take on it, and I accomplished the real goal of letting him know what an actual monster she is. She would die if she knew. She would be mortified. But I was just seeking the much-needed counsel of a respected clergy member. 

Things are getting convoluted, so let's follow the timeline one more time.

April 17. I send a text message that she doesn't like, asking her to include me on plans with my kids.

Radio silence from Fun Sink

April 23: "PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES!!!"

Radio silence from Fun Sink

May 10 (I forgot this part): Husband calls FIL to feel out the situation. FIL says he thinks the texts were "harsh," sides with Fun Sink. Tells husband to call Fun Sink.

May 11: Husband finally works up the courage to call Fun Sink. Tears. False accusations of family dysfunction. Play happens evening of May 11.

May 12: I get a friendly text about the trip to St. Louis. Fun Sink tries to get the girls over there for Friday night dinner, but it doesn't happen.

May 15: I meet with the rabbi; he gets a whole new view of Fun Sink.

Allow me to reiterate that all this is over a text message.

Next time I'll fill y'all in on a little bit of SIL history in recent years, and relay how she fits into the ongoing saga...

To be continued...

Twinkle: Part I—It Has Been Years. And My MIL Is Still the Same

It is staggering to me that the last time I posted here, I had three kids under five years old. I now have a 15-year-old, a 12-year-old, and a 10-year-old. The baby and little kid phases have ended; the school age and teen phases are here. Life has changed so much. Things cooled down with my MIL and I was able to tolerate her for awhile, but the underlying problems were never resolved. Now it has all blown up and I'm in the same boat I was in when I had babies and she was excluding and belittling me. She doesn't respect me any more than she did then, and I've had enough.

As I read back on these long ago blog posts, my heart actually breaks for that young mom who was trying so hard to find her way. I was trying to be part of a new family, figuring things out with my husband and my babies, and learning how to be a mom. She was undermining me at every turn. I think maybe some of these problems seemed to go away because, as the kids grew, I didn't need her help as much. I was able to ignore the annoying things she did, but no one ever stood up to her and now we're here. 

In recent months, a pattern emerged. She would go directly to my kids, texting them on their phone/Apple watches, to make plans with them, leaving me out completely. My kids would announce to me, "I'm going shopping with Fun Sink after school." I'm always thankful when she takes them shopping; that's not the issue at all. I just wanted to be looped in on the plans because, between sports and play practices, and the three-ring circus that is daily life with a husband and three kids, I just need to know where everybody is and what the plans are. I didn't think there would be a problem with this request, so I texted her. I knew she would hate receiving the text, but I was completely unprepared for the veritable shitstorm of drama caused by my simple and reasonable request to know my children's plans.

Here's the text exchange:

Me: Hey—it's really nice that you want to take [Eldest] shopping. I know you all will enjoy that. Can you generally just include me on these plans? It seems like a lot of times you go directly to the kids to make plans without letting me know. There are three kids and a lot of wheels in motion every day, so if something changes with one of them, I need you to communicate it to me. I'm their mother. I need to be in the loop abut what's going on, every time. When in doubt about whether or not to include me on my kids' plans, please err on the side of more communication. Thanks!

Fun Sink: This is what I sent her! "Is this ok with mom? If so [FIL] will pick you up at school and I'll meet you at the other mall as soon as I can. Sounds good!"

Me: Please just copy me on any texts where plans are being made so I'm in the loop. They love spending time with you, and asking them to ask me puts me in a tricky position if/when I have to say no. This could happen for lots of reasons. If you could just reach out to me directly and cut out the middle man in the process, I would appreciate it. It's as simple as copying me on a text so we're all on the same page.

Fun Sink: It won't happen again!io [sic]

What followed was four weeks of silence. 

We knew there was trouble the following Thursday when we didn't get the weekly invitation to Friday night dinner. (No big loss there.) I stopped attending those regularly years ago, but she invites us every week. Sometimes by husband and the kids go; other times I'll throw him a bone and go, too. No invitation came; this was our first inclination that something was amiss.

The following Sunday we all got together at GMIL's for a little birthday party for her. Fun Sink did not speak to me. At all. The only interaction with her was when someone said one of my kids was pretty, and Fun Sink said, "Pretty is as pretty does! Pretty is as pretty DOES! PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES!", at me, increasing her volume each time she said it. So that was weird. Did she think I had done something "unpretty" by asking to know my children's whereabouts? Clearly she did.

More weeks went by. The silence was deafening, but also blissful. It was a social time for the city, so the following two Friday nights were ones where we had plans. The weekly dinner invitations didn't come, but we were busy anyway, and she knew that. She made a couple of attempts to see if the kids wanted to come over for dinner or other times. They can stay by themselves now, so...no thanks, Fun Sink. We're good. 

This brings us to last Thursday. She actually did invite us to dinner! But the text went unanswered, because my husband called her instead. He needed to talk about the plans for [Youngest's] play that night, and also to address what had been going on. He called her to let her know about the tickets, location, logistics, and then he addressed the drama. 

I can't even rehash this anymore because I am so incredibly exhausted by all of it, but, essentially, she immediately started crying. She said, "[Husband's name], I have tried...so...hard. SO. HARD. For FIFTEEN years..." (First of all, we've been married for sixteen years, so I guess she wasn't trying for one of them). She proceeded to weep, to let my husband know that she knows he's in a "terrible position," because "this is just how she is." She basically acted like I'm some evil Meghan Markle type who everyone knows is crazy and manipulative. (Second of all, everyone knows I'm a Catherine.) I am making his life miserable and taking him away from family, but she understands that he's "in a horrible position" and "in the middle." (Third of all, he's not actually in the middle. He's with me, his wife. Her bad behavior choices have put her at odds with us. That's different from him being in the middle.) Then, the kicker. She said, "This is all she has ever known. This is just how her family is. Her mother never wanted to go around her father's family."

I cannot begin to express to you how untrue, hurtful, and insulting this statement is to me. 

I come from a HUGE extended family on both sides. Y'all know I have lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I was an only child so these huge extended families were like siblings to me. These people are literally where I learned how families worked. And here's what I learned: families want to be together. They enjoy each other's company. They get together on holidays and make certain foods: benedictine sandwiches and sausage balls on one side, and a long cocktail hour with much lingering around the appetizer table on the other side. I love every one of them. My mother loved my father's side of the family. My father's side loved my mother. My grandmother treated my mother and her sister in law like daughters. She would always say, "I always wanted daughters and I had to wait twenty-five extra years for them, but then God sent me two daughters to be wives to my sons." My grandmother lived with my parents in later years. When my mom died, her sister-in-law Mel was a HUGE support to Daddy and me. She called me every day. She prayed with me. (No longer doing the Jewish farce...I'm an active Christian now. Take that, Fun Sink.) A few months after my mom died, Mel threw a huge cousins slumber party for my kids and her grandkids, in memory of my mother. There were crafts, there were snacks, there were personalized beach towels, there was an elaborate game of Deal or No Deal (speaking of Meghan Markle), complete with really good prizes. She's planning another one for this summer.

My husband said, "What do you mean by that? Where did you hear that?"

Fun Sink said sarcastically, "Oh..yeah...[my mom] and Mel got along real great."

This is a lie that I cannot abide.

The real irony here is that, she has dismissed me as never wanting to be part of this family, while she has "tried. SO. HARD," because this is just "how my family is." When the actual opposite is true. I have only ever wanted to be accepted into this family. I have only ever wanted it to be like it is in my family...normal, happy, accepting. And she turned it all around, cried about it, and lied. This is a classic mean girl move. This is what 6th grade mean girls do. They do mean things and then turn it all around and say their victims are actually the perpetrators. This is classic Regina George. I always thought she was mean and controlling; I now think she's pathological and clinically insane.

There's so much more, but I need to kiss my babies goodnight. 

Where it stands now, Fun Sink and FIL think they're taking my kids to St. Louis for three days in June. They never communicated this to me. They mentioned it to my husband weeks ago, but because no one in this INSANE FAMILY communicates, no one ever told me. So, imagine my surprise when, after three weeks of radio silence and passive aggressive freezing out, and actually sixteen years of exclusion, belittling, and emotional abuse, I'm informed that they're taking my kids to St. Louis.

To be continued...