This has happened before, enough times that it's a pattern.
MIL freezes us out over something insignificant. We have our mandatory period of penance in which she won't speak to us and plays dramatic emotional games with us. Then it gets so bad that we give in to whatever she wants, there's a detente, and she moves forward normally as if nothing has happened.
We're now in the last phase, except I can't move on.
At this point I think it would be helpful to review the timeline:
April 17. I send a text message that she doesn't like, asking her to include me on plans with my kids.
Radio silence from Fun Sink
April 23: "PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES!!!"
Radio silence from Fun Sink
May 10 Husband calls FIL to feel out the situation. FIL says he thinks the texts were "harsh," sides with Fun Sink. Tells husband to call Fun Sink.
May 11: Husband finally works up the courage to call Fun Sink. Tears. False accusations of family dysfunction in my family. Play happens evening of May 11; Fun Sink tries to act normal.
May 12: I get a friendly text about the trip to St. Louis. Fun Sink tries to get the girls over there for Friday night dinner, but it doesn't happen.
May 15: I meet with the rabbi; he gets a whole new view of Fun Sink.
May 17: Husband and I talk about St. Louis and I try to do the gracious thing and help my husband by agreeing to St. Louis. Husband calls parents to discuss plans for St. Louis. He fails to convey properly my act of selflessness and my feelings about all of it (or maybe they just chose not to see it; who can even know at this point?). Husband inexplicably tries to redirect inlaws to a different plan.
Feeling misunderstood, I sent a text trying to convey grace to inlaws and honesty about my true feelings:
"I felt like the St. Louis plan was sprung on me because [Husband] didn't mention the initial plan after discussing it with you all. I was sad about missing out on the time with the kids before they go to camp. I really miss them when they're gone, so finding out they would be gone for three days during those two weeks felt like a lot.
I thought it was a good solution to join you all in St. Louis. If that works for you all, I'd love to move forward with that plan. Just let us know! Thanks!"
Radio silence.
May 18: Husband meets with therapist Megan. Pointlessly.
More radio silence.
That brings us to...May 19. Day 2 of the field hockey tournament. They didn't show up on Day 1, which was a blessed relief.
So last night, May 19, we're at the field hockey tournament. I was laughing in the bleachers with my dad and some mom friends (including Julep, whose daughter is also playing in the tournament), when some sister drama broke out over a field hockey stick. I left to go fix the sister drama, and when I returned, Fun Sink and FIL were in the bleachers talking to my dad. I guess I wasn't expecting them to show up since they didn't the night before. I'm not going to sit in the bleachers with them like everything is normal, and I'm certainly not going to subject Daddy to an awkward situation. I got Daddy out and we watched the game from a closer location.
Aside: [Youngest] played a great game and scored her first ever goal! And this was only the second game she has ever played!
So, throughout the night, it was clear that Fun Sink was trying to make things normal. She was extra nice to Daddy—for once she didn't yell out loud, Tourette's style nonsequiturs about rabbis or Shabbat or other Jewish stuff, which she normally does, to let my dad know that she is definitely Jewish and weird about it. She was smiling; she was trying to be sweet the way she does; she was definitely on her best behavior. During [Middle's] game, she even made her one of characteristic comments about how big the other team's girls were. "They must be feeding those girls HORMONES or something!!!" I mean we can't all be 80 lb anorexic anemic vegans with schoolmarm haircuts like my SIL, but that is Fun Sink's gold standard for how a girl should be. I think it's incredibly rude to comment on the size of individuals or teams, especially 6th grade girls. Also, the other team was cute, blonde, and normal. And they're also the best team in town so they crushed us, and it was because they practice all the time and work hard. It had nothing to do with growth hormones.
The games went well, and I avoided Fun Sink as much as I possibly could. When I got home, there was a response to my heartfelt St. Louis text! A friendly (for her) response!
Fun Sink: "It will be a mini family vaca. [SIL] will join us. We will discuss details later. Thanks!
OK.
So everything is normal and we're all going to St. Louis.
No acknowledgement of my valid feelings on the matter. No acknowledgement of the past five weeks' silent treatment on her part. Everything is totally normal! We can forget all that unpleasantness I perpetrated with my unreasonable and demanding initial request to be included on communication, and the almost five weeks of emotional abuse that followed. Moving on! All that is ancient history! Now we're forging ahead with a fun family vaca to St. Louis! We never have to speak of all this unpleasantness (caused by me) ever again.
Since she's ready to move on, if I were to say "um. No. We're not finished here," I know how it would go, and I would be seen as the jerk who holds grudges and perpetuates drama and is actually the real problem here.
This family has been gaslighting me since '06.
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