It is staggering to me that the last time I posted here, I had three kids under five years old. I now have a 15-year-old, a 12-year-old, and a 10-year-old. The baby and little kid phases have ended; the school age and teen phases are here. Life has changed so much. Things cooled down with my MIL and I was able to tolerate her for awhile, but the underlying problems were never resolved. Now it has all blown up and I'm in the same boat I was in when I had babies and she was excluding and belittling me. She doesn't respect me any more than she did then, and I've had enough.
As I read back on these long ago blog posts, my heart actually breaks for that young mom who was trying so hard to find her way. I was trying to be part of a new family, figuring things out with my husband and my babies, and learning how to be a mom. She was undermining me at every turn. I think maybe some of these problems seemed to go away because, as the kids grew, I didn't need her help as much. I was able to ignore the annoying things she did, but no one ever stood up to her and now we're here.
In recent months, a pattern emerged. She would go directly to my kids, texting them on their phone/Apple watches, to make plans with them, leaving me out completely. My kids would announce to me, "I'm going shopping with Fun Sink after school." I'm always thankful when she takes them shopping; that's not the issue at all. I just wanted to be looped in on the plans because, between sports and play practices, and the three-ring circus that is daily life with a husband and three kids, I just need to know where everybody is and what the plans are. I didn't think there would be a problem with this request, so I texted her. I knew she would hate receiving the text, but I was completely unprepared for the veritable shitstorm of drama caused by my simple and reasonable request to know my children's plans.
Here's the text exchange:
Me: Hey—it's really nice that you want to take [Eldest] shopping. I know you all will enjoy that. Can you generally just include me on these plans? It seems like a lot of times you go directly to the kids to make plans without letting me know. There are three kids and a lot of wheels in motion every day, so if something changes with one of them, I need you to communicate it to me. I'm their mother. I need to be in the loop abut what's going on, every time. When in doubt about whether or not to include me on my kids' plans, please err on the side of more communication. Thanks!
Fun Sink: This is what I sent her! "Is this ok with mom? If so [FIL] will pick you up at school and I'll meet you at the other mall as soon as I can. Sounds good!"
Me: Please just copy me on any texts where plans are being made so I'm in the loop. They love spending time with you, and asking them to ask me puts me in a tricky position if/when I have to say no. This could happen for lots of reasons. If you could just reach out to me directly and cut out the middle man in the process, I would appreciate it. It's as simple as copying me on a text so we're all on the same page.
Fun Sink: It won't happen again!io [sic]
What followed was four weeks of silence.
We knew there was trouble the following Thursday when we didn't get the weekly invitation to Friday night dinner. (No big loss there.) I stopped attending those regularly years ago, but she invites us every week. Sometimes by husband and the kids go; other times I'll throw him a bone and go, too. No invitation came; this was our first inclination that something was amiss.
The following Sunday we all got together at GMIL's for a little birthday party for her. Fun Sink did not speak to me. At all. The only interaction with her was when someone said one of my kids was pretty, and Fun Sink said, "Pretty is as pretty does! Pretty is as pretty DOES! PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES!", at me, increasing her volume each time she said it. So that was weird. Did she think I had done something "unpretty" by asking to know my children's whereabouts? Clearly she did.
More weeks went by. The silence was deafening, but also blissful. It was a social time for the city, so the following two Friday nights were ones where we had plans. The weekly dinner invitations didn't come, but we were busy anyway, and she knew that. She made a couple of attempts to see if the kids wanted to come over for dinner or other times. They can stay by themselves now, so...no thanks, Fun Sink. We're good.
This brings us to last Thursday. She actually did invite us to dinner! But the text went unanswered, because my husband called her instead. He needed to talk about the plans for [Youngest's] play that night, and also to address what had been going on. He called her to let her know about the tickets, location, logistics, and then he addressed the drama.
I can't even rehash this anymore because I am so incredibly exhausted by all of it, but, essentially, she immediately started crying. She said, "[Husband's name], I have tried...so...hard. SO. HARD. For FIFTEEN years..." (First of all, we've been married for sixteen years, so I guess she wasn't trying for one of them). She proceeded to weep, to let my husband know that she knows he's in a "terrible position," because "this is just how she is." She basically acted like I'm some evil Meghan Markle type who everyone knows is crazy and manipulative. (Second of all, everyone knows I'm a Catherine.) I am making his life miserable and taking him away from family, but she understands that he's "in a horrible position" and "in the middle." (Third of all, he's not actually in the middle. He's with me, his wife. Her bad behavior choices have put her at odds with us. That's different from him being in the middle.) Then, the kicker. She said, "This is all she has ever known. This is just how her family is. Her mother never wanted to go around her father's family."
I cannot begin to express to you how untrue, hurtful, and insulting this statement is to me.
I come from a HUGE extended family on both sides. Y'all know I have lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I was an only child so these huge extended families were like siblings to me. These people are literally where I learned how families worked. And here's what I learned: families want to be together. They enjoy each other's company. They get together on holidays and make certain foods: benedictine sandwiches and sausage balls on one side, and a long cocktail hour with much lingering around the appetizer table on the other side. I love every one of them. My mother loved my father's side of the family. My father's side loved my mother. My grandmother treated my mother and her sister in law like daughters. She would always say, "I always wanted daughters and I had to wait twenty-five extra years for them, but then God sent me two daughters to be wives to my sons." My grandmother lived with my parents in later years. When my mom died, her sister-in-law Mel was a HUGE support to Daddy and me. She called me every day. She prayed with me. (No longer doing the Jewish farce...I'm an active Christian now. Take that, Fun Sink.) A few months after my mom died, Mel threw a huge cousins slumber party for my kids and her grandkids, in memory of my mother. There were crafts, there were snacks, there were personalized beach towels, there was an elaborate game of Deal or No Deal (speaking of Meghan Markle), complete with really good prizes. She's planning another one for this summer.
My husband said, "What do you mean by that? Where did you hear that?"
Fun Sink said sarcastically, "Oh..yeah...[my mom] and Mel got along real great."
This is a lie that I cannot abide.
The real irony here is that, she has dismissed me as never wanting to be part of this family, while she has "tried. SO. HARD," because this is just "how my family is." When the actual opposite is true. I have only ever wanted to be accepted into this family. I have only ever wanted it to be like it is in my family...normal, happy, accepting. And she turned it all around, cried about it, and lied. This is a classic mean girl move. This is what 6th grade mean girls do. They do mean things and then turn it all around and say their victims are actually the perpetrators. This is classic Regina George. I always thought she was mean and controlling; I now think she's pathological and clinically insane.
There's so much more, but I need to kiss my babies goodnight.
Where it stands now, Fun Sink and FIL think they're taking my kids to St. Louis for three days in June. They never communicated this to me. They mentioned it to my husband weeks ago, but because no one in this INSANE FAMILY communicates, no one ever told me. So, imagine my surprise when, after three weeks of radio silence and passive aggressive freezing out, and actually sixteen years of exclusion, belittling, and emotional abuse, I'm informed that they're taking my kids to St. Louis.
To be continued...
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